HAPPY NEW YEAR 2020 to all reading this blog. It's been a while I have written here. The pleasure of writing here is that I can write unfiltered, unedited version of my thoughts, feelings and emotions. Writing has always been important form of expression for me. I write to make sense of things, I write just for the pure pleasure of it.
WHEW, what a journey it has been. Living two decades of new millenium, it has been a life full of adventure, also full of anxiety, happiness and fulfillment. Looking back, I wouldn't change any of it. Not even the times, I faced challenge. It's a cliche but now, I understand the true meaning of it.
Born nearly at the beginning of 1980s, of previous millenium and coming of age as an adult in 2000 was a journey in itself. As a Nepali woman, I witnessed key poilitical changes and also social changes in terms of gender relations. It was my privelege to be born to parents, who always priorotirised my education and also encouraged me to be independent. I remember, starting my career as a teacher where I possibly taught nearly five years. This allowed me to pursue my Undergraduates in PK Campus, where only few friends were working. I remember PK days with fondness and sometimes I wish I could go back and live some of those moments when I was naive, I was too serious, I was sometimes too worried about my future. I was also very anxious about my own journey of being a woman in Nepali society. I clearly knew, I would not want to get married, as I had seen and witnessed, marriage at that point meant giving up one's dreams, aspirations and moulding oneself to model wife, daughter in law.
I did not see that image within me. First of all, being brought up in Boarding Residential school, as one of the few girls amongst boys, I had to learn to stand up for myself. I remember, how I would even wrestle with boys and I learnt if you do not fight back, you will forever be sidelined. I was a tomboy with short hair and also a body language that showed I was more of a boy than a girl. I still remember, once we were somewhere in Dang for a school camp. My friends shared with me that the local students had placed a bet about whether I was a girl or a boy. I heard, most people betted me as a girl.
So, I was not into having a marriage at all. I remember discussing among my PK friends that I don't want to be a wife but I want to be a mother. So, I will see if I can do that. I still remember what one of my friends said " I better keep men of my family, away from you". Looking back, I find it really funny.
So, early 2000, was my own way of making sense of lot of things about what I wanted in my life. And what I wanted was too much at that time. I wanted to have successful career, I wanted to pursue higher education, I wanted to be financially independent, I wanted to write, I wanted family. Among all these wants, I was obsessed in a way to pursue higher education abroad with scholarship. I still remember making trips to British Council and USEF to pore over the university pamphlets to find about the courses and scholarship. It was the age of cyber cafe, which was new business in town. I remember typing my application letters in floppy disk in office computers and using cyber cafe to send those.
It was possibly sometime towards end of 2001 that my father purchased desktop computer for me. I remember going out with my cousin Bhola Dai to order the computer. The computer order went like this : This much of RAM, this much of memory. I did not understand much of it, but that asseembled computer cost nearly 50,000 Rs and I promised my father that I would try to generate some money out of it. And I did start writing articles for kathmandu post, himalayan times and space time. It was a good pocket money, which came in handy when I left my teaching job to pursue Masters in Sociology in Kirtipur. The classes were held in the day, so it was impossible for me to continue working. It was also around the same time that I actively started to volunteer with organizations working with and working for disabled people. Later, I also got engaged in research in disability. It seems my first 10 decades of 2010 was formative one for me.
It was the decade, I pursued my Masters in Sociology, paved my way to becoming an academic and sociologist. It was also the decade I got married, had two children and also fulfilled my long-held dream to study abroad with scholarship. The beginning of that decade also came with lot of personal upheaval in my life. Beginning of that decade, I witnessed closely my mother's failing health and how I had to be there for her, not just physically to help her but also be more present in her life as a daughter. This required certain sacrifices from my part, I left my job as it was impossible to pursue higher education, take care of mother and also have a job all at the same time. Now, looking back, those first few years of the decade, when I took time off from teaching, allowed me to reassess lot of things in life. It was also a time, I got deeply into writing, poems in particular. I fell in "love", double quote because now I question it. But, that experience taught me a lot to rethink and reassess what kind of life partner, I wanted, if I ever married. It also gave me clarity about what I seek in a relationship. It's complicated but, I knew that I needed someone who is not a conventional husband, I needed a friend, who would value my feelings, respect my desire for freedom, who is supportive and non-judgemental. My decision to get married in 2005 was possibly about that, now I reflect. At the time of my marriage, it was also about putting rest to my parent's anxiety about me settling down. It was an intuitive decision, it was also about taking risks and jumping in and thinking about dealing with consequences later at that point. And I feel blessed to have found my partner who is everything that I hoped to find as a life partner.
Last four years of first decade was busy, being mother of two children in between and pursuing higher education in Australia and also seeking a permanent academic position within Tribhuvan University. Whew, what a journey. I am glad, I decided and take risk to have two children, instead of one only. It melts my heart to see the beautiful bond they share, the way they talk to each other. The way they have their back, when any one of them feel, I am being bit demanding on the other one. It took a lot of sleepless nights, anxieties and stress of them falling sick one after another, balancing motherhood at the peak of my career. It was only because everyone contributed. My mother took care of them, fed them. My father was there, even with the very fact that he was there helped. And most importantly, my partner proved to be more of a mother than I was. His skills in physical and emotional care are astounding. And I know, now my sons know as well that their father is rare, he is involved. He listens to them, he talks to them, He is there for them, no matter what and they know it.
Now, 2010-2020 was an interesting decade, I find it unbelievable that decade has gone. In the beginning of decade 2011, I found permanent position within Tribhuvan University. It was comforting in many ways as by that time, I knew that 9-5 administrative work is not me. I did not see myself sitting behind the desk whole day. I wanted to teach, I always have. My passion from teaching grew from my teaching experience in school for nearly 5 years. I wish there were good prospects for me to continue to teach in primary school, I have such fond memories of teaching young children. Many of them are now young professionals and have started their families. And what I value is they remember me, they call me out, when they see me in the street. No pleasure in the world beats the feeling when your students remember you as a good teacher, who loved them, cared about them and enabled them to learn.
So, I also learnt, I wanted to do research and write actively. So, entering academia formally made sense to me. It was also the decade, I invested my time and energy to prepare my PhD applications for scholarship abroad. The highlight of that was visiting Columbia University as a Visting Fellow in 2012, where I delivered my first public lecture based on my research on women with disability. I also took a course on oral history. I still remember, walking in streets of Jackson heights, pottering around libraries of Columbia. The most memorable part of the US trip was to meet my dear friend Denise Marika, who is no more with us. Denise has been such a big influence in my life. Staying with her in Boston, visiting grounds of Harvard University are the memories, I cherish forever. This was also the time, I was enjoying my motherhood at its best. Shubham from the very moment on that Soham was born, became the model big brother. And Soham emulated him, for him everything that Shubham did was the ideal and he still tries to keep up. I enjoyed and I still do, reading for them and with them every day. Both boys had books when they were merely few months. I would start reading, pointing the pictures. Now, they both have love of books and love of words. I know, they would trade it for ipad anyday. But, still when they go to bed, they need to snuggle with the book on their hand. Shubham would not sleep unless he reads few pages. And with Soham, reading in bed with him is highlight of my day. It is a time that I truly relax and let go of all stress and frustrations. We read and through reading, we talk to each other, share our thoughts, share our feeling. My children are normal, they are not exceptional academic whiz kids and I am glad of that. They have hobbies, They are very keen on making things, particularly Soham is in phase of creating things from his hand. Last month was all about his passion in making bow and arrow, and whole household was involved as he was talking non stop about it and he wanted certain things that required great deal of research :)
By end of 2014, I received scholarship to pursue Phd. I will elaborate the whole PhD saga perhaps in another post. It was a lifetime, an experience in intself, it had its highs and lows. It nearly cost my sanity, it made me feel guilty about not taking care of boys that well. Lot of emotional turmoil was there. But, I am glad, I have done that and I survived that. Comparing with some of my friends experience, who managed to do multiple publications, I could not do that. I knew, I could have done that, but considering that impostor syndrome was full on, and also being available parent for first few years of PhD made it tough. But, I need to prioritize publication now, publish or perish will be my Mantra Now.
The last five years ( 2015-2019), my family has lived in two different countries. We are back to Nepal after living four years in Australia. Boys studied there, in a very different education system and it has been quiet a transition for them to get used to education system in Nepal. It has been tough for them and I feel for them. And I can only hope that this will make them more adaptible and resilient individuals. As a parent, I believe we cannot shield our children from the challenges, we can only support them and enable them to fare with them better. Having formative years of education in Australia has been vaulable for them. They are critical thinkers, they are creative. They are expressive and yes, they have opinions and they express them. They would even critically analyze my own behavior as a parent and tell me at times when I am at odd or when I make mistakes. On immediate level, it is not a nice feeling to have. Most of us want this obidient subversient children who would follow our words. Well, my sons are not like that at all. But, they are kids and they need right direction. And my partner is better at steering in right direction, mostly in terms of their everyday routine and behaviour :) this is another blog post on its own about the parenting differences between us
So, here it is, an adieu to the year 2019. Acknowledging the last two decades of my life. And yes, happy and content just to be here. Immediate few years would be about enjoying the fruits of labour, thinking what next, and being more connected to my sons, being more available. They do not need that much of a physical intensive care anymore. They need more of somoene to talk to and I hope both of us as parents would be the first people they would talk to about anything. I will need to work more on that. On career front, I will keep doing what I am doing : thinking out of the box, investing more time and energy in teaching WELL, not just routine teaching, bringing new initiatives and ideas and most importantly, connecting with students. This connection has always meant a lot for my female students and I will continue that. This does not mean, I am not available for male students, but I guess, being Nepali women academic, male students still value senior male academics than women academics. I will write more about this in my upcoming paper.
It's 2nd of January 2020 4 am. I woke up at 3 am and could not go back to sleep. And I thought I better finish that blog that has been on my mind since early this week.
