A Happy Teacher's Day

I first thought I will write a simple "happy teachers day" status in facebook. As I started writing, I realized that I wanted to write more. So, here is the blog.

I just finished reading Dipesk Ghimire's article on "Guru Purnima" . Found in this link http://setopati.com/blog/31574/. He talks about the memories of his teachers and they are not happy memories. And each of us who are an adult at this age do not have happy memories of their teachers. I barely remember few teachers with fondness. We are the generation of violated children who took beatings, name callings and high level of psychological abuse in the name of "teaching" from our teachers. And sad thing to say, it continues to this day in many schools in Nepal. When are we going to change this? How can a child celebrate " Guru Purnima" with a memory of the beatings of cane in her hand. How can a child bow down to teachers in the day of Guru Purnima with memories of insult and disgrace he faced from that teacher. There is equally high level of sexual abuse experienced by particularly girl students from male teachers in Nepali schools.

I feel like I am living in the world of two contrasts. My childhood is so different to the childhood my two sons are experiencing currently. They are studying in Clayton North Primary School in Australia. My younger son Soham started his Foundation level from beginning of this year. He hardly knows how to write proper sentences. He does not know a lot of words that regular 6 year old currently studying in some of the schools in Kathmandu. Had Soham been in grade 1 studying in school in Kathmandu, I can say with certainty that reading and writing skills may have been better. I struggled a while to take stock of this fact. I was frustrated in the beginning. But the most interesting development I have seen in Soham is his deep love of learning. He is in charge of own learning. A child of that age has a "learning goal". He tries to reflect himself how much he knows and what he needs to learn next. The  emphasis on academic skills ( reading and writing) is there. But they are not considered the whole tenets of learning.

Just a week before, Soham received his first report card. The teacher carefully describes his personality. She writes about the development he has made in social skills. Soham has been encouraged to speak in front of his class many times speaking about his own project. Sometimes, he builds a musical instrument. He loves to read books and he reads at least 4 new books everyday at home. And he does not want to stop. And there in lies the secret of Australian Educational system. children are encouraged to develop their own interest. Each child is seen as an unique individual with different level of learning. And they are encouraged and nurtured to learn more.

 

Happy 6th Birthday Soham

Dear Soham

It's your sixth birthday. This time, you can read some of the words that I will be writing. 

I do not know how to start this blog. I remember you have changed so much, grown so much from last year to this year. Last year around this time, I was so worried about you. When we first came to Australia last year, you joined family day care everyday for 5 days. You were not every happy then. You wished to go to school with Dada. 

This year, finally you are doing it. Isn't it great. Also it has been a lot of relief to Ama and Buwa that you and Dada go to same school. You have same timings and you have same holiday. That is simply wonderful. 

Last year, you were struggling with limited English you had. Now, this year I have to be fearful of you forgetting Nepali. I like the way you say "So?" to some of my questions. It is funny and cute at the same time. There was a time when you were calling me "Man............", I told you I was "Woman", then you asked me whether it is okay to call me "dude". I said, I am happy being just "Ama". 

You are learning so many different words everyday. Your teacher says, you are learning very well. You by now know all your rocket words, alien words and star words, isn't that simply great. 

In music, it has been revolution of sorts. You went through all phases of music. Last year, you were  hooked to "Dhoom Machale" song by Hritik Roshan. And you were dancing non stop to same song more than 50 times a day. I had by then regarded Hritik as baby sitter, oh, how well he took care of you in those times, keeping you out of trouble and mischief, making you dance non-stop. Then, suddenly, this dhoom phase was over. Then, you turned into Namah Sivaya song. This one and half hour of chanting of Om Namah Sivay was welcome change in the beginning. But I came to a point when I was questioning whether I will remain atheist for too long if you continue like that. 

Then, without warning, once Dada introduced you to this song called " So stressed out" and then...............started the whole phase of you and Dada humming Stressed out non stop. The way I remember these days you are buffering between some weird Michael Jackson and Bon Jovi Songs, thank god for youtube and that little tab in youtube that allows you to do voice search. And doesn't that voice search sometimes act crazy giving you some totally weird funny results. 

Let me remember the highlights of this year with you. There was this phase of Nagging. Me and Shubham called it "Nyang Nyang", looks like it is gone for a while. 

Why I am writing all these stuffs for you is because I want to remember the way you were. And I also hope that you can see yourself the way you were. Because my son, time seems to be going so quickly these days. There was a time when I hoped you would grow up too soon. Now when I watch you being six year old in a blink of an eye, I wished time went bit slowly for me to enjoy your cuteness and funny questions. And you love me so much and you express so much of your love to me. You repeatedly tell me " I love you so much". Hug and kiss me so many times a day. And occasionally you tell me when I take you for a treat in Macdonald" you are such a good mom". 

What more can a mom ask for. Nothing more. You and Dada are the whole world to me and Buwa. Ouch, I am sorry, I feel like I left Buwa out of this. But you and Buwa share a special bond with each other. When you were little, Buwa was more of a mother to you than I was. He did everything that mother does to take care of a baby. And perhaps that is why, you have a soft and kind nature. But sometimes, I have to find them out. What I mean about it, you know right. 

Happy 10th Birthday Shubham

Dear Shubham
Happy 10th Birthday

Since last few years, I have started to write blog on your and Bhai's birthday. I am writing this today while you are in my office space 8th Floor in Menzies building, Monash University. You and Bhai are making some paper craft looking at youtube, while I am crazily writing for my next big deadline. 

Its not exactly an ideal birthday celebration, may be. But, we are celebrating this evening. Four of us sitting together, celebrating your presence in our lives. We will also call grandma and grandpa in Nepal and get their blessings. We will celebrate this with quietly, as we did last year. Hopefully, we can celebrate with big bang next year. 

From today, your age has become two numbers from one. This means you are growing up. Last year has been a roller coaster ride for us. Your birthday in Australia last year happened soon after we came back from Earthquake in Nepal. Handun Aunty had baked you a nice cake and we had a great time. Buwa was not with us. This year, Buwa is with us and we all can celebrate this together as a family. 

The reason I am writing this blog every year is because I want to document about your life. Your ninth year was eventful. Do you remember the "my choice" phase in your life last year? That was amazing time. Your favourate response to everything used to be " its my choice". I like that you know you have a "choice", but I also hope that you understand now that we also have a responsibility. Specially when we are in family, we all cannot do whatever we want in the time we want. But if we talk openly about what we are feeling, then we can always find the way to do things that we want. So, I just want to tell you that always always tell me what you are thinking, what you are feeling. And also share with  me about the problems you have. I may not be able to make them go away at once but I can always listen and perhaps we can find a way to solve them. 

The phase of "my choice" has somehow passed. You have been most amazing brother one could ever have. I still remember what Sheryn said when I went to pick you up from after school care. She said " I have never seen big brother like Shubham". She is absolutely right. The way you take care of Soham, the way you explain things to him, the way you remember him is so wonderful. You are helping him to read his book everyday. And he loves you million times over. He cares about you so much. And while I am writing this, he is actually making a card for you on his own. Isn't that so beautiful. 

With Buwa this year, you did so many different things together. First thing, you were his driving companion. Remember all those early mornings and late evenings you went with Buwa in Monash to help him practice. Buwa says and we all know, one of the reasons why Buwa drives so well now is because of your support. You know so much about the car, that is simply adorable. You are the engineer of our family. When we need to fix anything, you are our guy. Remember how you took leadership to fix the bunk bed. That was so admirable. Remember you fixed our new TV and DVD set looking at the figure drawn by our neighbours. We hope you will learn new things and keep on your passion on these things. 

You are amazing Son any parent could be proud of. You are very kind to everyone. You are patient. You  listen to people. You love your family. We pray that you continue to be the kind of person you are. We love you a lot dearest Shubham. Happy 10th Birthday

International Women's Day 2016

On the Eve before International Women's Day, I reflect on my own identity of being a woman. I salute to all mothers, grandmothers and great great grandmothers who planted tiny seeds of rebellions that culminated into a movement that is still ongoing. My respects to them that I could live in the time when educating daughters was no more unusual. I came of age in time when working outside home was more "normal" than staying back home. Not to forget though the double burden of juggling home and professional world. Women of my generation's biggest challenge has been to balance two contrasting roles with little structural change and shift in gender ideology. I hope that things will improve for better as men of new generation will adjust to these new changes in marriage, family and childcare patterns.

Reflecting on my own personal journey, I cannot help but feel proud of the journey I made. But this was not accidental. My parents were major influence. They knew the importance of good education in today's world. My father injected a strong sense of "ambition" and importance of financial independence. He also emphasized on doing more and importance of hard work and of course self discipline. He would tell me, "life is not going to be easy, it will get more complex", I understood it early somehow that the domesticity was not for me. Even my mother who was uneducated herself despite being born as daughter of respected Sanskrit Scholar and priest of his time. She feared, I would end up like her. She would furiously urge me to study, do better, be best even. After several decades, writing this note, in the computer of Australia's one of the best Universities, I cannot help but pay homage to their love and persistence which I often found irritating and problematic in my younger days. I pay respects to my teachers, good ones and bad ones. They all had a role to play. I am thankful to my two friends specially Laxmi and Hajuri who somehow felt "I will go a long way". And part of me that continues to keep going is also because I wish to be worthy of the dreams that they saw for me. And not to forget my beautiful family of my husband and two sons. Somehow they have been keeping up with these roller coaster rides that I have gotten myself into. Hopefully, in few years or so, our family lives will be less unsettling and more normal. That's a hope. In between these hopes is a tiny dream also to raise my son as feminists. Through small self experiments and coaching of other fellow mothers, I am trying gradually to make my sons understand the challenges of this world. I hope they will grow up to be feminist men who would lead by setting themselves as an example.

However World is still far from equal, as recently released World Economic Forum Report, it will take another 118 years before women could be treated equally at the rate of progress. Does this mean that only our great granddaughters will be able to live in the just and equal world. Do we just wait for this to happen or we try our best to make it happen. This necessitates that we work harder. I want to see the world as a equal place to live in, in my own life time.

Confession of an Ambitious Mom and the new parenting experiment

I am mother of two wonderful boys Shubham and Soham. They are the light of my life. Me and Dadhi are not perfect parents. We neither pose to be one. We have our own flaws. Sometimes, we cannot always keep promises to our children. But we try to do what is good for them, their present and future. 

This morning, while waiting for the meeting that was running too late, I  posted couple of videos of my children performing in Public. First video was the spiritual mantra chanting in Birthday of my dearest friend Radhika's Twins Kris and Kristy. Another was a singing bowl performance by my younger son Soham. Next was the performance by Shubham in Tabla. With each like after like that is flooding in my facebook, I reflect on our parenting journey and wish to share you something. 

We are not writing this from a perspective of liberated parents who have achieved the height of success in parenting. We do not suffer from such delusions. Me and Dadhi talk into late nights about the issues and challenges of raising two sturdy not so patient and obedient boys who want to have fun. And there is where Me and Dadhi want to achieve something impossible but doable: create the balance between the fun and learning. Or may be redefining the whole idea about "fun" itself. 

I shudder if my children understand the idea of fun as watching non stop youtube videos or playing non stop games unsupervised in Ipad. That is why, we try our best to make time for them to explore the places around them. If we cannot go anywhere, we visit the library and they play with water foundation non stop. And sometimes we curl together in Sofa to enjoy the cartoon together. I usually watch most of the DVDs together so that we can talk and reflect about it later. 

I received lot of comments about our children's Talent. In our society, we have indoctrinated beliefs about natural talent. Yes, the source of talent could be natural. For instance someone is born with a very beautiful voice. But the natural talent itself does not take you anywhere. Good artists are born out of continued practice and persistence. Shubham Soham's performances ( they are still learning, and I hope they understand that they will learn forever) are result of regular practice. We hope that Shubham Soham learn value of hard work. 

We try to use MOTIVATION to make them practice. It would be inconceivable that children would practice on their own. They will not. We have to create a situation and context for them to practice. I have often heard parents lament at their children "gardai gardaina". Shubham Soham's motivation  to practice was a reward that we will promise ( simple not so big things like buying a toy, taking out for Pizza, not so frequent visit to simple things like going to Macdonald) . I know in the outset, it feels like we are pushing our kids too hard. But within that comes a valuable lesson for the lifetime. Nothing comes easy. They will learn to value to hard work. And also they will have sense of achievement : they were rewarded because of their hard work. 

The reason we are encouraging Shubham Soham to learn music is because it is a universal language. They may not pursue their career in music later on, or they could. I suspect Soham will be a movie actor with so much drama he creates everyday. I hope with Music Shubham Soham will learn about inner peace that comes with music. I myself grew up in that environment. I learned to play harmonium since age of 4. I also learned singing classical Indian Raga. There was a time my friends were bewildered when I had music classes every morning ( about 45 minutes walk from home) before school. I somehow used to manage to reach school in time ( which was 30 minutes walk from home).  That was my learning on time management, which is still one of my challenges. 

Lately, Shubham and Soham have been saving their money for buying Ipad. Though, I could very well buy them one right away. But, We have developed a plan for it. Now, Shubham Soham's biggest goal at the moment is to have their own Ipad. And for that, they know they have to work hard. They are collecting their own money for this purpose. They have accumulated some AUD $ from gift money in festivals, from kind uncles who rewarded them for performance and very kind Aunty Radhika who specially increased their fund asking me to open an account for them. Now, Dadhi and I have started a rewarding system for their problematic behaviours like constant fighting with each other, Soham's constant sulking and fussing. They earn their rewards in ($) every week for their good conduct which will help them to increase their Ipad fund. Reviewing the progress, I will definitely add the remaining amount if their progress is very satisfying. 

With this new reward system, I feel now I have to speak less. I do not have to ask them to do things repeatedly. It was frustrating situation both for me and them. Now, the behaviour chart motivates them to behave well. They know it will be for their own good, if they behave well. They understand that if they have good behaviour they will be rewarded. I know it seems as if we are teaching them obvious. Does it mean that they will stop behaving good when there is no reward. As Bimal Dai  ( who introduced the system to me  explained to me patiently: These good behaviour that was rewarded in the long run, becomes their habit, which I realize is true. 

However, one word of caution about this system is that you have to be the role model. Parents are too critical about their own children, constantly criticizing their bad behaviour. But they do not check their behaviour themselves.  If we want that our children have certain characteristics , first we have to cultivate in ourselves. Children will simply copy. I am in more trouble now, keeping in check my anger, my frustrations, my sloppiness, lack of tidiness, my mobile behaviour, my homework, my reading that I realize that this behaviour chart is more for me than Shubham Soham. Let it be so. 

New Blog Post 2016

I realized like a Deja Vu, that I just need to write a new brand new blog post. Today, its funny that I have done everything except what I am supposed to do. I know there are such days in PhD student's life. But...............I just hope they do not turn into an excuse.

I realize today, you should be tired of facebook, look at it too often to be apathetic towards opening it. The best way to look at facebook is devleop a strong antipathy towards it. Today, I tried doing that. I loathed people posting yummy foods. I despised the posts that had hint of romance. And I hated the post with "instant philosophy". The rate of philosophical shares in facebook makes me wonder whether people are so much ready for instant emancipation, full release of the Karma.

Looking back at 2015, I was dewy eyed PhD student with full of fears and anxiety. At beginning of 2016, I am more confident. I have become brash. I now claim the space around my university and walk with a little bit of gaiety and confidence. I holler friends in the hallway and do not care if someone stares me back. Perhaps, I could call this an achievement of surviving first year of PhD

Well, technically I am still in soup. Confirmation is just a month away and my study desk is messier with countless sticky notes and reminders. The pace is bit sluggish. Sometimes I work like a mad hatter on a run. Sometimes I want to free my mind from any critical engagement.

Whatever this stage is, It is nice and sweet. The feeling of " you are nearly there, but not still there". Somewhat in the middle and its nice. Hope 2016 will be kind to me. God bless all those who are going through the same thing.