A week without TV

It has been about a week or so since we have closed down our TV completely. It was one crazy night when Shubham ( otherwise a very calm and collected guy) had such a big tantrum. The TV was on and it was dinner time. All his attention was in watching TV, while dinner cooled down by the side. When we requested him to eat, he answered back in a very nasty way that made us think " how old is he, is he 19 already?". Well, well. 

Weeks and weeks of our frustration regarding boy's TV addiction came out. Dadhiram cut off the line and declared " This is the end of the TV in the house". Now, after a week without boys watching TV, I wonder how did it come to this? How had we allowed TV to rule us, to rule our children, to dominate our life. 

I know is the age of technology and TV has more or less become a part of childhood memories. But, TV is addictive. And the addiction is hard to control. The reason our children are addicted is because we are addicted to TV ourselves as parent. We love to sit back and watch and forget all our worries and relax for a while. Slowly, we start eating family dinners watching TV. Gradually, children start watching never ending cartoons. The otherwise loud and naughty children suddenly become quiet. They are entranced with what is going on in a screen. The world around us is forgotten. Of course, all is well while the TV is on. But a minute after is a disaster. Based on our experience, I found Shubham and Soham growing more violent as their TV addiction grew. Their appetite suffered. They faught more than ever. They threw things even chairs at times. Home was a horrible place to be. 

Now, after a week without TV, home is quieter. In a week's time, Shubham and Soham play together more. Soham has even started eating daal bhat by himself. Dinner time is more fun full of conversation and jokes passing around. They have invented couple of imaginary games themselves that we parents have not been able to understand. Past few day, both boys have devoted their time and energy drawing and coloring. Soham is finishing 1 sketchpad in 3 days time. But it has been totally worth it. 

I wonder, how long this will go on. But I hope this is the way, it will be for a while, at least. 

Glimpses of Bardia: random thoughts and experiences

As I am typing away on my laptop in this dingy hotel in Bardia, I am reflecting on the past couple of days that I spent here. While typing, I am thinking, why I could not write this earlier. The aim was to write everyday, little bit of my experiences, impressions. But here I am, trying to cram up 6 incredible days into one post. Let's see how it turns out to be. 

Travelling is about adventure, being flexible and creative to adapt according to situation. But within that sense of adventure and creativity, one needs a sense of "comfort" too. We have our own queer habits, tastes and ways of doing things. During travelling I feel that challenge is all about how we haven an adventure, along with having some sort of "comfort' with continuity of our habits and tastes. 

In my case, I have a "hot water" saga every time I travel. Over the years, I have maintained habit to drink couple of glasses of warm water every morning soon after I wake up. So, far Bardia has allowed me that comfort. Along with that, a very strong black tea with a slice of lemon every morning. I thought, the tea was complimentary to its guest. But to my surprise, I found out when I cleared my bill this evening that it costs 10 Rs. 10 Rs, seriously? 

And let me tell you a little bit about our owner of guest house. He speaks as if his words are too expensive. You know the way some people carry out their importance in their "shoulders" all the time. I know I am being bitchy over here. But our research team wondered how he manages the hotel without smile and without a bit of courtesy that is needed to deal with the guest. His attitude is always like " who cares". Well, well..............

Every day, we have been visiting schools and trying to understand about issues surrounding Girl's Education. Interesting perspectives are emerging about issues relating to practices or early marriages and increasing trend of elopement. 

Our day started around 9 every morning, with a sumptuous daal bhat in hotel Arghakhanchi, near by the guest house we were living. One lunch was enough for us to decide " we won't be eating here". While travelling, there is a curious desire in me that seeks to experience the place through the tongue. I have a feeling, each place has its own distinct tastes. Even the same दाल भात tastes different in different places. In hotel Arghakhanchi, we were also more drawn to साहुनी's smile and her way of asking after us. The meal was simple, without much ado, you know घरकाे जस्तै । That's why, we were drawn towards it. A young handsome boy of around 15 , originally from Dolpa would serve us meal with smile on his face. I felt food was too salty. But it had been a while I had taken second helping of लाैकाकाे तरकारी, फर्सीकाे तरकारी and also knew that even मुलाकाे साग can be served in hotel. In evening after dinner, our research team had reflection about the whole day on emerging patterns and trends. I felt the power of team work and combination of different perspectives. Today, on the last day, I felt all of us were loosened up a lot. We could be ourselves around each other. Tell each other a joke and are able to detect a "punch line". Joke is much an act of intimacy. I have never been able to laugh at a joke told by stranger. Neither do one stranger tell jokes to others. You tell a joke to somebody, when you feel that the other will listen, understand and will be able to laugh just when one feels the timing and the beat of the laughter. And this laughter when it comes together in unison, together in different tempos and volumes and style makes people into "one". This moment is the one when you feel the growth of friendship and intimacy that you will feel is worth taking further. And researcher's jokes are funnier than ever. Their jokes are not scripted and customized हम जाएगा Jokes. Researchers create jokes on their everyday observations, conversations that they had in the field. These jokes are filled with insights and understanding that helps us further to hone our analysis. 

Our each morning, started with a journey with Akbar Dai. He drove us around Bardia. Each time we get into the zeep, melodious hindi classic songs greets us. It was in this zeep, I remembered many romantic songs that I craved for in my lovelorn days ए मेरा प्रेमपत्र पढकर, मुझे नींद नअाए , काेयल बाेली दुनिया डाेली । I feel songs are markers of our emotional state and it also carries deep emotions and flashes of remembrance. I have always wondered, why people enjoy listening to old songs more than the new ones. It is probably because the old songs carry our memories within them. With songs, I often get visions and memories of the last time that I was listening to this songs and certain feelings that awoke within me. It was these songs that helped us to pass the bumpy roads around Bardia. Along with that, we had fascinating conversations among ourselves of course. 

On the second last day of our visit, we set off to Rupaidiya Bazar from Bhaisahi, Bardia. Both of my co-researchers had already visited Bazar before. But they decided to go there again and I am thankful to them for sensing my need for "experiencing the place through shopping". Indeed, you never know the place and its people until you shop. Shopping opens up new vistas of human communication. It is not just a transaction of cash and goods. It is barter of words in between which you get a better glimpse of human culture and emotions. 

Rupaidia Bazar is such a place where first you may enter saying " I won't buy anything". By the time you return, you have emptied your pockets. Women will understand it better of course. Shopping is like a treasure hunt for women. We are in search for something unique and pecualiar. We wish to get something that reminds of this place. We are in search of that "special deal", a "a great sale" a "bargain". We are equally in search of "elusive", "authenticity" "unique" and "ethnic" .

Nepali people like us who are in search of "cross border" shopping experience are main customers of Rupaidiha market. Once you enter the place, you will see Indians waving the Indian Rupees and asking whether you need the change. But the security checking by female Indian Personnel was humiliating. It is one thing to do security checking, we understand it of course that it is their job. But to interrogate in a most humiliating way was disturbing. I hate this whole concept of "borders", the dividing line, the concept of nation and state. It was the same air on the both side, but once we entered the gate, we felt different. What is it that makes us different, an outsider. How is this feeling of being an "outsider" is constructed, I wonder often. 

Indian shopkeeper can easily tell customers from Nepali to Indian. Our way of speaking offhanded Hindi ( learnt from countless doses of bollywood romantic movies) does not give us the native accent. They smirk, they smile at our feeble attempt to show off our attempt to pass off as native.  Shopkeepers are well practiced. In front of us लाल becomes राताे, अच्छा becomes राम्राे, महंगा becomes महंगाे.  They give us two prices ( in IC and NC) as soon as we ask इसका कितना हे? I ended up buying two saree, a blouse piece in one cloth shop, in which we entered just to wander around. I founded to hoodie jackets for Shubham Soham. I bought it in a whim, in desperation of a mother who is anxious to find anything to take back home for her kids. I wonder whether these two hoodies ( in tacky colors and curious prints) will show their true colors in one wash.  हे भगवान् I hope I will have some dignity that they will last well until the end of this season. I hope they do not turn out into one of my "shopping spreee" nightmares. I have oodles of stories of shopping gone wrong specially in things I buy when I see the big sign of " SALE", yes in capital letters. The sign is enough for me to go in and start buying things I do not even need. 

Fortunately, Rupaidiya allowed me to buy small treasures for my nears and dears. I have a gift for everyone in my family and my two best friends. Thanks to Rupaidiya Experience my research Team. 

Oh, its nearly 11.30 at night. Need to catch up some sleep. We have a early flight from Nepalgunj to Kathmandu. I guess, I should end this blog here now. I did not start this post with a plan. So my experience is not uniformed and organized. And I like it that way. Let the people who read this make sense of it. 

Random Notes of Bardia

This morning, I made myself a promise. I will write, yes, write everyday. In midst of all kinds of writing that I have to do, I will write for myself. I will write for pleasure. 

The thought came to my mind, when I hurriedly walked from my home, bidding goodbye to my children. It was merely 6.15 am. They would not wake this hour normally. But, they knew Ama was going away. So, they woke up, with a rush. And said goodbye. And Soham came over and said we wanted car when I was back. Shubham came over near me and said, " Buwa has promised us a gift, if we will be good boys for this whole year". Perhaps, a whole year is too much. Perhaps, what actually their father meant was whole week. No, no, actually, it will be blessing if we could pass a whole day without any tantrums and fights between them. But, that is impossible of course. They are just children, they don't really care about these promises. What they know, however is that they will get gifts anyway. 

So, here I come again back to writing. Yes, with a backback on my back and a big bag dangling in my arms, I thought while walking, " I will write everyday". So, this is kind of experiment that I am doing with myself to see how much I can write and how long. 

So, here I am sitting on this dodgy, cheap hotel in Bardia ( I need to save some bucks, of course) and writing away like crazy.  And I feel, may be I should stop right here, for today. 

यसकारण म दुवै थर लेख्छु

नीति अर्याल खनाल

धेरैलाइ याे नाम लामाे लाग्छ, कहिलेकाहिं म अाफैलाइ पनि ।


अझै पनि विभागकाे मिटिंगहरूमा माइनुट लेख्ने सरहरूले "नीति अर्याल" मात्र लेख्नुहुन्छ, म हस्ताक्षर गर्ने बेला खनाल थप्छु ।

कहिलेकाहिं मेराे श्रीमानकाे चिनारूहरूबीचकाे बसाइमा मेराे नाम  "नीति खनाल " मात्र हुनपुग्छ, म फेरि बीचमा अर्याल थप्छु ।

याे क्रम चलिरहेछ लगभग एक दशक देखि ।  धेरैपछि अाज एउटा घटनाले मलाइ मेराे नामकाे बारेमा साेच्न र विमर्श गर्ने माैका दिएकाे छ । त्यसकाे लागि एक बेनाम व्यक्तिलाइ धन्यवाद दिन चाहन्छु जसले मलाइ प्रश्न गरे । प्रश्नलाइ स्वीकारेर  जवाफ लेखें । जब प्रश्नसँगै केहि अाराेप थपिए, याे धेरै समयदेखि नचलेकाे मेराे ब्लग चलायमान भयाे । धन्यवाद है तपाइलाइ

अचानक टि्वटरमा कसैले मलाइ प्रश्न गर्नुभयाे ः किन तपाइ दुइटा थर लेख्नु हुन्छ?
मैले जवाफ फर्काएँ ः अर्याल बुवाअामाबाट प्राप्त थर हाे अनि खनाल विवाहपछि अपनाइएकाे । मैले भनें याे मेराे व्यक्तिगत निर्णय हाे । करिब एक दशकअघि जब धेरै मेरा साथीहरू थर परिवर्तन गर्दै थिए, मैले मेराे पुरानाे थर हटाइन, त्यसैमा अर्काे नयाँ थपे । अहिले साेच्छु,  यदि विवाहपछि पनि अाफ्नाे नाम कायम गरिराख्ने महिलाहरूसंग मेराे संगत भएकाे भए , म शायद त्यसै गर्न सक्थे या नगर्न पनि सक्थें, म यसै भन्न सक्दिन । तर त्यतिखेर नारीवादी परिचय बनाएका केहि महिलाहरूले दुइटै थर लेखिरहेकाे थिए । मैले पनि त्यसै गरें ।

जब मान्छेकाे नाम बन्छ, परिवर्तन गर्न गाराे हुन्छ । नीति अर्याल बाट नीति अर्याल खनाल हुन सजिलाे थिएन । तर जब त्याे नाम लेखिंदै गयाे, तब त्याे नामप्रति मेराे अपनत्व बढ्दै गयाे । जब काेहि मेराे नामप्रति प्रश्न उठाउँछ, ममाथि प्रश्न उठाएकाे जस्ताे लाग्छ । अब म अर्याल खनाल नै भएर चिनिन चाहन्छु र मलाइ त्यसमा न कुनै हिनताबाेध छ, न गर्व नै ।

याे हिनता र गर्वकाे कुरा किन जाेडिएकाे भने, मेराे नामसँग मेराे नारीवादी छवि जाेडियाे, मेराे पेशा जाेडियाे । यहि विषयमा कुराकानी गर्ने क्रममा ट्वीटरमा यस्ताे टिप्पणी अायाे

Personal choice? I am just shocked to know a university lecturer/professor has such personal choice.
व्यक्तिगत राेजाइ? म त अचम्ममा परेँ कि विश्वविद्यालयमा पढाउने लेक्चर/प्राध्यापकले यस्ताे व्यक्तिगत राेजाइ राख्छन् ।

फेरि बीच बीचमा नारीवादी भएकाे, नारीवादी गफ दिएर मान्छे उचाल्ने र जीन्दगीमा नउतार्ने व्यक्ति भनेर अाराेप पनि लगाइयाे ।

नारीवाद जति मेराे पढाउने विषय हाे, त्यति मैले बाँच्ने सिद्दान्त पनि हाे । तर कति बाँचे र कसरी बाँचे भन्ने कुरामा मेराे स्वमुल्यांकन हाेला । मेरा निकटका व्यक्तिहरूकाे मुल्यांकन हाेला । सार्वजनिक वृत्तमा लेखेकाे र बाेलेकाे अाधारमा पनि केहि मुल्यांकन हाेला  । र यी हरेक मुल्यांकन सापेक्षित कुरा हुन्, व्यक्ति विशेष फरक, भाेगाइ विशेष फरक ।

लैंगीक समानताकाे कुरा गर्ने तर " म  नारीवादी हाेइन है" भनेर स्पष्टीकरण दिनेहरूलाइ साेध्न मनलाग्छ मलाइ "तपाइले बुझेकाे नारीवाद के हाे?"  मेराे नारीवादी परिचय पनि त्यहि असन्तुिष्टीबाट जन्मेकाे हाे । र म धक फुकाएर भन्छु म नारीवादी हाे ।  मैले अाफुलाइ अहिलेसम्म नारीवादीकाे रूपमा सफल भएकाे, भयंकर ठुलाे काम गरेकाे जस्ताे लाग्दैन । शायद कहिल्यै लाग्ने छैन पनि । र म जुन पेशामा छु, त्याे सहजै देखिने क्षेत्र हैन पनि । फेरि म  सँधै धेरै केहि गर्न सकिन भनेर पछुताइरहने मान्छे हाे । र त्यहि पछुताउने बानीले अलि अलि सकेकाे गर्ने, नसके लेख्ने, लेख्न नसके बाेल्ने, त्याे पनि नसके, "हेर मैले सकिन, तिमी गरन" भनेर कसैलाइ अनुराेध गर्ने मान्छे हाे ।

म पढाउने मान्छे । नेपालमा पढाउने बाेलिले हाे । म सकेसम्म अाफ्नाे बाेलीमा निर्धारित पाठ्क्रम, समाजकाे बुझाइ, विद्यार्थीकाे अनुभव र अाफ्नाे अनुभव मिसाएर पढाउँछु । सबैकाे प्रिय लेक्चरर हाेइन, तर म झुर पनि छैन । जुन दिन झुर पढाउन थाल्नेछु, त्याे दिनदेखि अरू केहि काम गर्नेछु । अध्ययन अनुसन्धान वृत्ति पाएकाे बेला अनुसन्धान गरेकाे छु, साना तिना । पत्र पत्रिकामा समय मिलेसम्म लेख्छु ।

जहाँसम्म नारीवादी गफ र मान्छे उचाल्ने कुरा छ, शायद याे कुरा मेराे सामाजिक संजालमा सक्रियतासँग जाेडिएकाे हाेला । हाे म फेसबुकमा नारीवादी लेख श्येर गर्छु, कुनै विषयमा बहस गर्छु, ट्वीटरमा अाक्कल झुक्कल लेख्छु फुर्सतमा । सामाजिक संजालमा अरूकाे चियाेचर्चाे गर्नभन्दा विचार विमर्श गर्न मन पराउँछु । हाे याे गफ नै हाे । तर याे गफकाे शक्तीलाइ कम अाँक्न मिल्दैन । विश्वमा अहिले सामाजिक अान्दाेलन सामाजिक संजालकाे माध्यमबाट चलिरहेका छन् । नेपालमा नारीवादीहरूले सामाजिक संजालकै माध्यमबाट  पनि अान्दाेलन गर्न जरूरी देख्छु म । किनभने अहिले महिलाहरूकाे याैनिकताकाे साँघुराे अनि पुर्वाग्रहि विचारहरू  अनलाइन मिडिया र सामाजिक संजालबाट फैलिरहेकाे छ । अबकाे पछिल्ला पुस्ताका नारीवादीहरूले सामाजिक संजालमा सक्रियता नबढाइ सुख्खै छैन । कसैले त्यसलाइ गफ भन्लान् , म अान्दाेलनकाे पाटाे मान्छु । केहि समयअघि चाैकठ नामकाे नारीवादी समुहले सामाजिक संजालकै माध्यमबाट  नेपाली महिलाकाे नागरिकताकाे मुद्दालाइ  अान्दाेलनकाे रूप दिएकाे छ ।

तर एक टिप्पणीकर्ताकाे विचारमा मैले नारीवादी गफ धेरै दिएँ, तर जीवनमा उतारिन । हुन सक्छ । पढाएका सिदान्त सबै उतारिन हाेला । म Radical/ अामुल नारीवाद पढाउँछु तर म विवाहित छु ।  पढाएकाे सबै कुरा कहाँ हुन सकिन्छ र ।

जाे महिललाले विवाहपछि अाफ्नाे थर परिवर्तन गरेनन, अाफ्नाे स्वअस्तित्व कायम राखे,  उहाँहरूप्रति मेराे सम्मान छ। जसले पुर्ण रूपमा अाफ्नाे थर परिवर्तन गरे र पनि नारीवादी संघर्षमा हाेमिए, के उनीहरूलाइ नारीवादी नमान्ने त ? के नेपालकाे महिला शिक्षामा अतुलनीय याेगदान दिने अंगुरबाबा जाेशीकाे (जाेशी उहाँकाे श्रीमानकाे थर हाे ) कार्यलाइ कम अांकलन गर्ने त । नेपालमा महिला अान्दाेलनमा लागेका थुप्रै महिलाहरूले दुवै थर लेख्छन् (लिष्ट लामै छ, लेख्न थाल्याे भने)  , के उनीहरू याेगदानलाइ कम मान्ने त?

नारीवादका विभिन्न वाद छन् , नारीवादीका भिन्न भिन्न रूप अनि जीवन जिउने तरिका । एउटा नारीवादीले अर्काे नारीवादीलाइ "मेराे वाद ठीक, तिम्राे बेठिक" भन्ने स्थिती हुन्छ भने त्यसले अान्दाेलनलाइ कमजाेर तुल्याउँछ । हाे बहस जरूरी छ, स्व अस्तित्वकाे,  तर त्यत्तिकै खाँचाे छ सह अस्तित्वकाे पनि । तर मेराे मतलब सह अस्तित्व केवल दुइटा थर लेखेर हुन्छ भन्ने बिल्कुल हाेइन । मेराे सवालमा चाहिं अचम्मसँग त्याे मिल्न पुगेकाे छ । म विवाहपछि बाँधिएकाे भन्दा धेरै हदसम्म स्वतन्त्र भएकाे छु । यसमा मेराे जीवनसाथीकाे माया र साथकाे ठुलाे भुमिका छ । तर  याे ब्लग पढ्ने भावी पुस्ताका महिलालाइ म के भन्न चाहन्छु भने, विवाह भएपछि थर परिवर्तन गरिरहनु अावश्यक छैन । तर यदि थप्न चाहनुहुन्छ भने तपाइकाे इच्छाकाे कुरा हाे ।

अन्तमा, जाँदा जाँदै

मैले नारीवादीकाे रूपमा ठाेस काम गर्न बाँकी नै छ। तर मलाइ पुरा विश्वास छ म नीति अर्याल खनाल भएरै याे काम गर्ने सक्छु । 

Small pleasures

Don't make me feel guiltyfor the small pleasuresI seek in my lifeA small bite of a cheesecakeA cup of strong coffeeReading a great bookWatching a romantic flick

I do not mind missing few stations in this train of life. How far can one do? How far one can achieve? How far one needs to run, run and run and yet be on the same place. Let me be, the way I am, where I am. I have worked hard enough to be wherever it is. And I do not mind, If I am stuck here for a while

Am I a superwoman?

" you are supermom"

"you are super woman"

" you balance everything perfectly"

"how do you manage to find time to do everything"

Its been a while that I have been asked these questions. And I truly thank all those who have complemented me on my supposed ability to "balance everything". Today, I wish to share with you what I think about all these questions and the reality that I am living with. 

I am married. I have two sons. I work in University. I love reading, beyond text books and academic article that I teach. I love writing. I love being in social media, expressing my opinions and views. I love cooking. I love travelling. I love meeting and having coffee with interesting people. 

First things first, I do not believe in notion of anything "super". So, I am not 'supermom" and "superwoman" period. I am actually not even a "good mother" according to social standards of Nepali motherhood. There has been times, when I do not always cook healthy meals for my children, though I try. There has been time, when I have been absent from important event of my children's lives: their birthdays, their parent's day, results day. I always do not tell them stories before they go to bed. I sometimes even forget to kiss them goodnight. There has been times when I drag my kids along ( particularly Shubham, older one) to social functions and official meetings because there was no other option. He would sit whole day, scribbling in his notebook. He was happy at times, but he wanted meeting to end too quickly. I would glance towards him few feet away, anxious how he is feeling. And at the same time, feeling deep sense of guilt for not being able to concentrate fully in the meeting. 

Yes, Guilt is the most frequent emotion I experience these days. Guilt for not being a good mother. Guilt for not being a professional. So, many of you who have said I have balance in my life, is terribly wrong. My life is terribly lop sided. And I am okay with it. I see myself as a clown with a ball game. You know the one who throws many balls in the air and catches them one by one. In my case, I throw many balls in the air, but I catch only few at one time, I sometimes deliberately drop few balls, because I understand my limitations. Sometimes, the balls that I so much wanted to catch go missing because I was not fast enough, I was not swift enough because you see I had to catch another more important ball. So, I do not balance everything perfectly. I just do what I can. 

While writing all this, I sound like a martyr, which I am not. While writing these lines, it would be cruel if I do not acknowledge how blessed and lucky I am. First of all, I am highly supported by my parents. They help look after my sons. My mother takes most of the responsibility in kitchen. I have a helper, I need her. Without her, my life will be crazy. My husband is immensely supportive. He is the best father I have ever seen. We share the task. If I cook, he feeds. If he baths children, I give them oil massage. 

Had I been working a "9 to 5" job, which I cannot tolerate, things would  have been easier perhaps. I would go to office, do whatever needs to be done and be back home and do all household tasks.But being in academia has its own perks and downside. Perks is that, working hours are flexible  except the lectures. I can prepare for lectures anywhere I want, even at home. I can do research, I can write. But downside of this is,if you are ambitious in academia, if you are not satisfied just to "teach" but to do more, its a big headache. It means, you apply for fellowships, you do research, you write actively, you appear in media, you maintain networks, you meet people, you have social obligations, social events and lectures to attend. It often means, you do most of your work at home. "Home" no more becomes a place to come and rest: but a place where you work extra hours.

I do this because, I am ambitious. I have always wanted to do more and be more. This very ambition is the reason that I am what today, which is not much. I wish to do more, be more. You see, this very reason spoils the fun out of my life. There has been times, when I cannot enjoy a good book, because I feel I should be reading something serious instead. It has been a while since I went to cinema hall, probably years to watch the latest Bollywood flick. But it does not mean, I do not enjoy these things. I do, a lot actually. 

Sometimes, I watch all latest movies whole night. I somehow read the books I wish to read during I commute in crowded micro buses and tempos. I often read newspaper while I eat, seriously. 

I love to write. But most of the time, I suffer from guilt of not being able to write. I equally suffer from not being able to write well. Words play in my mind and heart in odd hours of day and night, when I do not have luxury to grab pen, paper or laptop. by the time, I do, then the precious thoughts are gone. And when I have time to write, I do not and cannot write either, because when it is too much.I just feel " मरि लानु के छ र " and just forget everything I need to do and just chill out doing nothing, absolutely nothing. And it is one of those times, I feel happiest. 

This hurry, this frenzy of doing everything, managing everything, being "perfect" is the culprit. 

I have immense respect to those who stay at home out of choice or due to circumstances. But I strongly believe that if one wishes to do something, one can do it: not exactly on the same way, not exactly on the timeframe we wanted it. But one can do it, things you wish to do can happen. 

Like other day, one of my friend commented that she has not read a book in a while. I can understand it can be hard if you are a mother of little children. But I see reading more as a choice rather than matter of time. I have not slept many nights in order to finish the book. But I do not feel that much drowsy next day because I loved it. Book lovers sleep a little but find time to read. Book lovers watch less TV but find time to read. Book lovers go out less often but find time to read. Its all about a choice. Same is with writing. Writing is an affliction, its an addiction. If one loves writing, one writes anyway. One cannot live without expressing what you see, think and feel: because that's the way to be. 

Thank you all those who think that I balance everything. I hope you understand now, that I am not perfect in everything. I am hardly a perfect mother, I am hardly a perfect professional, I hardly write that regularly, I am not that much into facebook but once I am on it: I write instead of gawking and drooling at someone else pictures. So, you see I am just good at making choices: what I wish to do and what I do not wish to do. 

Like for instance, all the while writing this post ( after feeding two kids and sending them swiftly to bed): I had a choice to do couple of things. I could have watched TV, watched heart wrenching romantic flick that I have saved it in my computer, I could have read dozens of unread books in my shelves, I could talk with my husband ( who happens to be equally busy in his assignment) or I could just sleep. 

Thank you for reading :) 

Sunday morning with Soham

My Sunday Morning with Soham is going on like this 

Shubham left for school, Soham watches TV until then
Once his "dada" is off, he comes to my room with armful of crayons, colors and several sketch books and coloring books where I am supposedly "working".
He spreads them on the bed and asks me every 2 minutes " What shall I draw now"
I say " computer", " Cup", "Bottle"
His answer is No to all of them
Finally he has an idea, he starts drawing his own hand. 
And I am like , "okay, perfect peace for next 5 minutes"
Oh, what a delusion
Exactly in a minute he wails " rub it off, rub it off"
He has a streak of perfectionism in him and he quiet did not like the way his hand looks in the sketchbook
It looks preety awesome to me. I see several possibilities in it. Him coloring it, cutting it, pasting it: all the while allowing me enough time to complete this email I was writing. 
But No, Then, I give it, I rub it off
But then, he wants me to stay with him and draw his hand. 
I do that and he is satisfied with it. 
Then, he is quiet for a while, enjoying his work. 
After a while he comes to me to show his picture "how is it", he asks
I say, as usual "beautiful" but he wants me to complete it
He has actually drawn a head of a pig, I draw the body. 
Meanwhile, he treats books and copies like blocks and creates a structure out of them. 

Then, he arranges my clothes and scatters them all over. The more I say, "don't", he will do more. So, for the sake of my sanity, I just remain quiet. 

It has been about 2 minutes, there is an eerie silence around the room, that it almost feels unnatural. I look around, and OMG he has his hand all over my bag that I nearly had an heart attack. 

On Father's day

Its been a while, I have been wanting to write about my father. And what could be a perfect day than today: on father's day itself. 

When I think of my father, silence comes most of all. Because you see, he does not talk a lot. He has made himself clear, he is not a man of words. He is man of few words. He speaks little. That means, his words are not light. When he speaks, everybody listens.  Because they are so rare, his words are valued. They are not light trivial words. They are valuable, like gems. 

Since my childhood, I have grown up hearing these rarest words of his. I must have been about 12 years old or so. One morning, I saw him getting ready for his office. Lo, I see that he has hole in his socks. Looks like his other pair of decent socks was in wash or not yet dry. But I was preety sure, he had other pairs of socks, somewhere. Then, I asked him, why are you wearing this socks, you should take it off and wear something better. Then, he said, something very important which I will forever remember in my life. He said, " it does not matter what you wear, but who you are". Then, he further said, " no body is asking me why you are wearing socks with holes. 

Those were simple words, but those words had such a great philosophy in them. The philosophy that he not only preached but practiced. My father has always stood up for what he believed in. Even at times, those beliefs had put him in difficulty, severed the family ties, severed the professional relationships. But he has not given up in his ideas. Being a civil servant with rampant corruption around him, he always  was honest in his job. At times, I even wondered why is he holding his ideas so strongly. These feelings were acute when he told us that we could not afford few things. 

While my other friend's fathers felt it better to give pocket money rather than allowing their daughters to work, my father encouraged me to work harder. Even while I was in school, he had put me up in music classes for at 3 days in a week. Some of my friends used to wonder how I manage to do my homework and other stuffs in between. Yes, three days in a week, I used to walk more than an hour to reach the music class at senior classical singer Nararaj Dhakal: walking all the way from Swoyambhu to Chetrapati. Then, again back at home same way walking for an hour. quickly I would eat and leave school. After being back from school, my father would keep close tab on my tv schedules, homework and also regular music practice. Now, reflecting all this, I see that why in my life, I have never stick to do on thing at one time. I have my legs and hands in too many things at once and somehow I manage to do it. Even while writing this blog, I have 10 other windows opening. 

My father has his faults. I won't say he is the best father in the world, he is not. And I am preety sure that I am not the best daughter in the world. My father will tell anyone clearly about that, if any one has doubts. Half of my life, I have tried my best though to fulfill the role of good daughter. And I feel I have been able to do that so far: I studied hard, got a job, got married with nice guy, have two kids, again got a job, got a scholarship for further study in between this and again came back. But still i feel, may be still something is missing. Something is still not satisfying for my father. Yes, yes, I got it. I talk too much. there in lies our biggest difference. He does not talk, I talk a lot. He regales in silence, I feel suffocated. He finds words trivial, I see value on them. But perhaps, one of these days, I will be able to find a middle path between us. Something that we could agree on. Something we could just talk about. 

On my 30 something Birthday

Its my birthday today. And honestly, I do not remember which year I am in this year. Seriously, I have stopped bothering counting my ages after I hit my 30s. On the 30th birthday, I had a sudden attack of panic. Where I am going? What have I done so far? Have I become what I wanted to become? I also checked whether wrinkles are already there? I checked thoroughly for any signs of white hair. I found one or two. 30s were the hardest year for me. I felt I have not done enough. I was not sure where I was heading towards in my life. Then, soon after I had my second pregnancy. It was a hell of a roller coaster ride: becoming a mother and at the same time trying to find my niche in the world. 

Couple of years later, I am now more settled. I am relaxed. And I am feeling young again. Its been a while I have felt I should stop fret about being in my 30s. I feel its great being just the age that I am in. And looking back, on personal life, I feel that I have experienced many things which I was looking forward to experience in my dreamy years of 20s. I had never thought about marriage seriously though I am romantic at heart. I always wanted to be mother and raise great children. Though, I am doubtful whether I really fit into the conventional notion of "mother', but one thing I know, " I am trying my best". 

So, in my 30 something years, I have gradually become "didi" of many more people than earlier experience of being called "bahini". There was a time when conductors used to call me "bahini", later they started calling me " didi". Now, they call me "aunty" too. Sometimes, I am amused at surprised glances when I say I am mother of two children. See, I am fishing for some kind of emotional gratification here. Every body wants to look and feel young. It sounds a cliche but I have begun to realize, it is more about feeling young at heart. Past couple of years, I have discovered my "inner child" again. And I am at peace with myself. I am more accepting towards growing old. I am welcoming towards the wrinkles. I am looking forward to couple of grey hairs. 

I feel like this perhaps because I am blessed with loving people around me. Loving husband who is so accommodating to my mood swings and crazy whims. Two beautiful sons whom I feel someday will grow up into wonderful men. Amazing parents who have always understood that I would not fit into the conventional box of "obedient daughter" . 

Its, wonderful being 30 something. Its wonderful to feel that you have now fulfilled all social expectations of becoming a woman in society: getting married and having children. Now, I feel, I can be something on my own. Looks like, my rebellious years of womanhood has just started. And I am happy that I am moving towards it. However, there are still couple of long held dreams, that I need to pursue. Few steps towards them have been undertaken. Few dreams have been put in a hold for a while. But for few dreams: I am working on small dozes, one step at a time. 

Happy Birthday to me...........

It had been long since I had heard about famous Nepali Film Kabaddi. Actually, we had planned to go to cinema hall together with whole family. But somehow that never became possible. And I missed its screening in few events. 

So, finally when I saw that Nepal Bharat Library was screening Kabaddi for its Cinemandu series on 5th July friday, I was determined to go anyhow. Shubham usually had Tabla classes every friday evening. But luckily this friday, he did not have Tabla class to attend. 

I picked up Shubham from his school bus in new road. That was not his regular stop. The driver took the bus far ahead to the other side. I had to run puffing here and there to catch up. Thank god, I did not have an accident. By the time, Shubham and I entered the library, the hall was nearly full. Fortunately we got the seat and Shubham started eating, hungry that we was after whole day of school. 

First, a short film " Bansuli" was screened. I loved it. It was set in backdrop of Jumla. Shbham was little bit disturbed by few scenes. I do not know why, perhaps he is too sensitive. Even a minor verbal debacle makes him uncomfortable. 

Then, Kabaddi started. It was just great, from beginning to end, not a single dull moment. Its amazing to see new age of heroism in Nepali cinema. Its great to see a man as a hero who is just so ordinary that you feel he is your own brother or father. The setting of Cinema in Mustang makes it even more alluring. For those, who have not been able to reach there yet, feel like packing your bag and start off a journey. All characters are natural, there is no acting about it. Humour is crisp and smooth. All in all, I feel Kabaddi is our own story. Director Ram Bahadur Gurung has done a great job. Actors Dayahang Rai, Nischal Basnet and Rishma Gurung.

Later, it was privilege to  hear Nischal Basnet and Ram Bahadur Gurungji during interaction. Ramji was albeit shy and would pass most of the questions to Nischal who answered them with clarity and intelligence. I however, could not share my observation about the film. Shubham had been nudging me long time to speak up. I observed that though character of Maiya ( Rishma Gurung) is very bold, I felt that directors could have expanded her possibility for more agency. She is just given a role of a girl between two guys. 

I was amazed by honest and candid observation of Nischal. He was accepting towards the comment and he said may be in future, they will be making films with such considerations. what touched me was not the answer but acceptance towards the view point expressed. In Nepal, I am so accustomed to be being challenged and questioned about "comments" that I sometimes rarely regard it important to speak. 

I hope the team brings forward another wonderful film for a particular group of people in Nepal who have been thinking since long that " Nepali films are not worth watching". Kabaddi challenges this belief and pulls us towards cinema halls and multiplexes, with the box of pop corn to laugh with our own very unique sense of Nepali humour. 

Looks like, better days of Nepali cinema are coming. And I very much look forward to it. 

Chiltlang: Photo Story

At Godam, preparing to leave to Chitlang

It takes about one and half hours ride in zeep from Godam to chitlang

I was sitting in front seat with him. He had interesting story to tell about history of Chitlang

He said that Lamichhane ( Brahmin) were given gift land ( Birta) to be settled in Chitlang as the local Newars living there needed a priest. He is descendants of those Brahmin

The zeep won't start, looks like something is wrong with it

Driver is still trying, but No, it won't work

Other drivers and owner of the zeep come over and try to fix it

Still fixing, I am now worried how long it would take

Finally, we are about to go, Hurray, off to Chitlang

View from the Zeep window

Greenary everywhere around the road promises the great natural  beauty of Chitlang

Huts on the way

After this my mobile shut down. So, no pictures for a while. I reached Chitlang around 6 pm. I had khaja of Chiura Tarkari. By then, my other team members were back from their kulekhani Trip. We had a chat and looked over Goat Cheese Factory. After that, we had some drinks and had a chat. 

My friends who had come earlier had met an amazing woman. She was a  woman from Phillipines. But she was stranded in Chitllang because her Nepali husband left her. She had two kids. But she does not have any paper for the children that provides them their identity. For the sake of welfare of children, she decided to stay in Nepal. Whole community is supporting her. But her Nepali husband has already married someone else and living with her in Kathmandu. My friends were amazed that she was so fluent speaking in Nepali, English and even Newari. She is working as agricultural labourer in Chitlang. Amazing how one's life is change and transformed by so called love. 

In the evening, we had singing and dancing session. That's when I realized that next time when I am going on a trip. I should prepare a list of songs. Either record them or perhaps memorize them. One of our friends, Bikash surprised us with his memory of Nepali folk songs. 

Before the evening ended, people started telling jokes they knew. Some were weird, some were hilarious, some I didn't get it at all. But again, next time, I am going to read some jokes ahead of time.............for sure 

The scene early morning in Chitlang

It was about 5.30 in morning. This man said he just came from Illam with Goats. He was showing me where the goat farm was

I was mesmerized with greenery and fresh air

Dr. Lamichhane. Chitlang is his home district. So, he offered to show me around. We are walking towards Sat Dhara ( 7 taps)

Photo session Time

Sat Dhara ( Seven Taps) 

On the shrine

Paddy fields

Two neighbors catch up after long time

Absolutely, but I hope they have free public toilets for the tourists

Doko ( hand woven bamboo basket)

Ful ma Bhawara 

A cup of tea from local people

Friends walking around

Dr. Lamichhane meets another friend of his

our team mates buys organic Garlic

My hiking shoes

lady with 

Lady with witty jokes, wonderful laughter and beautiful smile

oh, where to keep this cowliflower

Organic cauliflower and farmer

world cup fever and Bikashji

looking for more souvenir

It was little bit chilly in the morning

yes, see once over here too

local souvenir

women wanted to know whether we had empty seats, but we did not

A policeman nearby police station

Our driver: he had some opinions about women travelers which irked me at times

So, all in all, great fun. Chitlang is amazing place to stay and visit.