Adieu to 2020 ( unfiltered)

 2020, what a year you have been. You started with good promise, that I was going to follow. I had set up priorities for you. I had plans for you. But, all went in vain. 

First, 2020 was the year, I would have my Graduation. I regretted not registering for earlier in December 2019. I had my reasons, there were too many pending work. My fantasy was to finish them all by May 2020 and attend graduation ceremony with a bang in my Monash University, Australia It would have been a costly affair, but worth penny. During some of the darkest and challenging moments of my PhD journey, visualizing myself graduating in a gown with my loved ones had helped me to persevere. But none of that happened. AFter making all preparations and just about to apply for a visa ahead of time. Australia closed it borders, crashing that dream. It coincided with first lockdown by government of Nepal. And I did not know what to do with my self. I remember, first few weeks of lockdown was very challenging for me. I have never been a stay at home person. I love my home, I love my family but being at home 24 hrs without venturing outside, without meeting colleagues, friends interacting in seminars, workshops and coffee meet ups. And not to forget my favourite time of working alone by myself in cafes of Patan, accomplishing small writing tasks over cups of coffee and hot bowl of Jhol Momo...................I was having an existential crisis. I realized, it was within these little moments of connections with people, food and places that I really lived.  I also remember, wandering around streets of kathmandu, looking for trinkets that Soham asked for his inventions and never ending project ideas was challenging at times. But it was worth it, when I found exactly what he needed and he would thank me with sincerity. Going Shopping with teenager Shubham and discussing over " what his style is" and realizing that my fears of parenting teenagers are exaggerated. Me and Shubham despite our differences and arguments at home, valued our time outside bonding over a cup of coffee, momo and him patiently waiting on the foyer sometimes, while I indulging on my own shopping. He would wait patiently till I selected the right sweater and he would say thoughtfully " It is looking good on you Ama but I wonder whether another color would be more suitable to your profession". And in midst of all this, sometimes me and Dadhi plan to have little #metime finding that gap of a time in a day between our busy working lives. We would suddenly find ourselves talking about things that escaped us at home. We would eat and always took takeaway for the boys.

These little things, little  moments of happiness were gone. What we thought would be for a month or two, lasted a whole year, and even more likely to prolong. It still feels like an eternity when we can go back to some semblance of normality. Corona Virus as an epidemic was not just about people being sick. It robbed us the sense of freedom and solace we found outside our homes. It robbed us of the happiness we sought while travelling. Things, I realize will never be the same. We won't be hugging as freely. We won't be meeting each other as freely. We won't  be travelling as freely. And yet, reflecting on the journey of a year, I feel positive that we will evolve. 

I am an educator, I love to teach. The best part of this profession is having face to face meetings and interactions with the students. The thrill and excitement I feel in the classroom gave me energy to do other things. When we moved to virtual classroom, I missed that. My students missed that. Patan Campus Sociology Department was one of the first to initiate online classroom. I conducted the very first session on zoom for the whole department to discuss the Term paper guideline, which I had shared with students just before the lockdown started. Over the weeks, few students emerged as leaders creating a virtual community of students and teachers in viber. We also connected each other in google group platform for easy sharing of resources. Zoom those days offered unlimited meetings for the first time users, so, student created their own account and hosted meetings, recorded them and shared in google drive platform ( which I had created to support sharing resources). Earlier, my communication with students was limited in campus only, after class. I always encouraged them to reach out to me and I offered to stay a few more minutes to answer questions. But shy ones never approached me, busy ones with work had to leave immediately after work, rushing for their work.. Creating this virtual community enabled students now to communicate with faculty members, ask questions and even discuss things among themselves. This, I believed increased access in communication and also established new norms of communicating online. The very first batch of First Semester Sociology in online classes were one of the most creative and sincere students I taught. I still remember reading their well-written term papers and giving them feedback to make it better. Gradually TU embraced the online learning and shifted classes to teams, which continues now. This sudden shift to online classes brought somewhat a digital revolution in TU. Academics, who never used a computer for their own learning and teaching, had to learn and educate themselves. However, this digital revolution have somewhat been limited to delivering the same old style face to face lectures in virtual platform, which is a disaster as it does not engages the students. We seriously need to think about pedagogy of online classrooms. 

Similar shift is happening in school education. I cannot say for others but, the way Soham has embraced online classes is a sight to see. I don't know how he is within face to face classroom. But online classroom is his playing field. He asks questions to teachers, sometimes too many. He expresses his disagreement or differences. And he volunteers to make powerpoint presentations. He follows up on his teacher in whatsapp asking " where is homework" via voice bytes and messages. Shubham, I think is tolerating and coping. Recently both boys had their mid-term assessment via open book exam. Both were sincere and worked hard. 

Talking about my boys, it may not have been easy for them, with just a year of returning from Australia, from different education system and culture and adjusting to this new normal was not easy. Me and Dadhi have tried to ensure that their transition has been smooth, but they have had upheavals. Only consolation is a hope that, they have become more emotionally resilent. Earlier, one way I could make things better for them was with food, specially bakery items, scavenging in kathmandu to find out the best bakeries. I discovered 12 baskets in Nakku Dobato. They loved the muffines, breads and donuts. But with pandemic, we minimized bringing cooked food from outside. Then, I started baking with limited amenities, innovating and figuring out how to bake without a oven. As a mother, cooking healthy and tasty meals for my boys is one of the ways, I express my love and care. Since then, we have made momos, pizza, bread, scones, donuts, sel roti, cakes and many other delicacies at home. During this pandemic, I have become nearly perfect at making sel roti, figuring out the perfect combination of the batter, reflecting each time on the past mistake I have made. I have made masyoura, I have even made titaura of lapsi and amala. I didn't realize I had it in me to become a home maker like this, embracing the art of cooking, pickling and preserving. As a busy working women, I mostly relied on getting these things from outside as it saved my time and effort. I also embraced these as a strategy to look forward to each day as new with a promise to make and create something. 

With pandemic, most of us working from home, creating a safe, peacefully and supportive environment at home is of utmost important. As family violence is rising worldwide, we all need to reflect how we are contributing to creation of this home environment. Things are not always easy for me, with engagement in teaching, writing publications and undertaking research works for different organizations. I tend to get stressed sometimes and I have not always managed it well. One of the way I dealt with these turbulations was sharing and venting with friends over coffee, having lost that I finally have connected with an online community. 

Earlier this year, I had this crazy idea of group of women writers and research together hanging out every Sunday over cup of coffee, writing and guff stuffing in between. Gradually that group translated into a online platform. We started doing weekly reading discussions. Each discussions started with weekly check-ins sharing about our challenges and accomplishments. We appeared together in online discussions and seminars. And we even zoom bombed few of the Manels with ingenious names. We supported each other and cheered each other during our presentations and seminars. We lament, discuss and support each other via our messenger group. This same year, I had a major fall out with one of the feminist writers. I don't want to go over the details. I am not perfect, I have my own biases. While I tried to reflect on that and meet halfway ( which was not necessary in first place, as I self distanced with her and simply had reached out to her in relation to one professional engagement). She took that opportunity to slam me continuously in messenger starting early morning to mid-afternoon. While I continued to say, look if I hurt you I am sorry. But, she kept on attacking me. While I respect what she writes and contributes, this has made me realize I will be more careful translating appreciation into a meaningful friendship. 

Friendship for me, has always been and will always have about each other. I realize I thrive best when I can support and receive support and motivation in return. Friendship for me is not space where I incessantly hear and talk about what's wrong with other people. It is a space for me to find solace and to give same in return for the highs and lows of life. And most importantly, I connect best with people who want to grow both inwardly and also in their career.  

In addition to all this, inspired by my friend Pranika and her knitting experience, I started crocheting again, picking up the needle after nearly 15 years. I prefer crochet over the knitting needles. I find crocheting less intimidating and more flexible.During college years, inspired by industrious Anjana Chalise ( who studied home science and is now business owner at Silican Valley), I started knitting. Anjana would turn her torn jeans into bag, knitting bags out of Jute thread and still managed to look fashionable. I tried that, but results were disastrous. After one or two specimen of knitting, I stopped, as life got busier. Then, while I was in fieldwork in Nepal, my boys learnt knitting with help of our neighbour Wendy, who watched over them after school while Dadhi was working in Australia. I restarted a bit, but never had much time and stamina to continue as demands of PhD and taking care of boys was challenging. Little time I had in between, I would rather take a nap, or just watch a show in Netflix without wanting to move a muscle in my body.

Things changed this year. I realized at some point, I need to find a diversion away from social media, from my never ending research and writing engagements and from demands of being a mom. One fine day I travelled to Bhotahity and bought a big bag of wool of different colors.  Boys started helping turning these loops of thread into a ball of wool. Even buwa, would help out to turn into balls. Sometimes, while basking in sun, I would see all my boys ( buwa, Dadhi, Shubham and Soham) each making a balls out of the wool, it was a sight to see these men working with wool. I chuckled and smiled with pride and now I regret not capturing that moment in camera but the image is struck in my memory forever. As I knit, I reflected, our life as a journey is similar to that of a wool. You start with a shapeless thread, you add a simple single stitch and then you keep on adding and find the momentum in which it grows itself. It is about trusting the process that it will grow, it will move and turn something into better. But not always. 

Mistakes happen, threads get entangled, it is your decision whether to cut them off entirely or really work on them one by one finding each entanglement and untangle them with patience. which one you choose, depends on your mood and also the time you have. with the mistakes, you sometimes rectify immediately and mend it. Sometimes, you go too far with it, and you think, do you undo it all the way to back or just bear with it and move ahead. Or do you start a fresh project, with lessons from the past mistakes. Knitting now has become a place of zen and peace. I knit while I sit in the sun talking with buwa and boys. I knit watching the Korean drama in Netflix, another discovery, another place of comfort during this pandemic. And yes, this is a prompt now for me to write about K-Drama now :) 

K-drama are clean, they move slowly, in each episode you get to know the character a bit more with back story. Romance never develops in first episode, you see glimmer of that sometime in the middle like episode 5 and 6 and it builds on. And Korean drama is always about food. At one point or the another, hero or heroine will tell to each other " eat up, food is getting cold", just like we Nepalese do. By now, I have learnt almost all tropes the drama use, I just smile and continue watching. As I do not watch these to deconstruct and tear apart. K-drama is like a comforting presence while I knit, a perfect companion. 

Now, seems like post has become quiet long, I initially thought, I would just write a quick FB post on what a shitty year 2020 has been. It's a cliche but I realize, it has come with a lesson. It has made all of us to set our priorities straight, focus more on our health, both physical and even more mental: not just us in individual level but our families and people around us. 

2021, I do not know what you will bring. Hoping, it will be a sens of hope. I know being a citizen of Nepal, access to vaccine is far fetched. But we cannot give up hope. As, hope is the only rope that keeps us holding during turbulent times. 

Happy New Year to readers who read this patiently till now. Drop a note to share that you were here and share how 2020 has been for you. Take care and stay safe

Dream to reality

One dream of mine is about to be realized. I will not share now, what this is. But want to share, how it came about, what was the process, and what I need to do to realize it fully.

First, I recognized within myself that I needed to do it. I acknowledged the importance of it. I knew, doing it helps my career, and is connected to another bigger dream that I am envisioning for myself after a year or two.

Personal dream takes a collective effort. I realized that. I got connected with people, who had similar dream like mine. I talked with them, I emailed them. I shared that I am interested in. I put in the works for it. And then, they too accepted that they accept my dream as a part of the collective dream that we all are envisioning.

Now, yes, the dream was accepted. It's not a reality yet. Now, I need to turn it into reality. Baby steps have started, but I recognize, this will not be enough, as other commitments, responsibilities and my own slavery to certain temptations are holding me back. Next few months, I have to strategically find quality and allocated time for me to dedicate to that dream to become reality. This would be about saying NO to lot of people, events, temptations. And it is going to be hard. IT will be also about talking, sharing, brainstorming with like minded people, which is always effortless for me. Most importantly, it will be about reminding myself everyday that for now, this dream is a priority and all other commitments will have to be managed accordingly.

And all this planning, for a dream, that is actually so so small. But yet, it overwhelms me, I wonder, whether I can do it. Even if I know, I can do it, I wonder whether it will be perfect. And I know, based on the experience of realizing my previous dream successfully that this voice will not stop, it will keep on going on my head. And I will just be a witness to this kind of talking. I will not give in to it, I will just let it be, and do my thing.

So, dreamers out there, just wanted to share that if you have a dream, acknowledge it. And connect it with your day to day activity. Allocate regular, ( if not everyday) time for it. WORK ON IT. That's the only way.

The life lived in two decades of Millenium

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2020 to all reading this blog. It's been a while I have written here. The pleasure of writing here is that I can write unfiltered, unedited version of my thoughts, feelings and emotions. Writing has always been important form of expression for me. I write to make sense of things, I write just for the pure pleasure of it. 

WHEW, what a journey it has been. Living two decades of new millenium, it has been a life full of adventure, also full of anxiety, happiness and fulfillment. Looking back, I wouldn't change any of it. Not even the times, I faced challenge. It's a cliche but now, I understand the true meaning of it. 

Born nearly at the beginning of 1980s,  of previous millenium and coming of age as an adult in 2000 was a journey in itself. As a Nepali woman, I witnessed key poilitical changes and also social changes in terms of gender relations. It was my privelege to be born to parents, who always priorotirised my education and also encouraged me to be independent. I remember, starting my career as a teacher where I possibly taught nearly five years. This allowed me to pursue my Undergraduates in PK Campus, where only few friends were working. I remember PK days with fondness and sometimes I wish I could go back and live some of those moments when I was naive, I was too serious, I was sometimes too worried about my future. I was also very anxious about my own journey of being a woman in Nepali society. I clearly knew, I would not want to get married, as I had seen and witnessed, marriage at that point meant giving up one's dreams, aspirations and moulding oneself to model wife, daughter in law. 

I did not see that image within me. First of all, being brought up in Boarding Residential school, as one of the few girls amongst boys, I had to learn to stand up for myself. I remember, how I would even wrestle with boys and I learnt if you do not fight back, you will forever be sidelined. I was a tomboy with short hair and also a body language that showed I was more of a boy than a girl. I still remember, once we were somewhere in Dang for a school camp. My friends shared with me that the local students had placed a bet about whether I was a girl or a boy. I heard, most people betted me as a girl. 

So, I was not into having a marriage at all. I remember discussing among my PK friends that I don't want to be a wife but I want to be a mother. So, I will see if I can do that. I still remember what one of my friends said " I better keep men of my family, away from you". Looking back, I find it really funny. 

So, early 2000, was my own way of making sense of lot of things about what I wanted in my life. And what I wanted was too much at that time. I wanted to have successful career, I wanted to pursue higher education, I wanted to be financially independent, I wanted to write, I wanted family. Among all these wants, I was obsessed in a way to pursue higher education abroad with scholarship. I still remember making trips to British Council and USEF to pore over the university pamphlets to find about the courses and scholarship. It was the age of cyber cafe, which was new business in town. I remember typing my application letters in floppy disk in office computers and using cyber cafe to send those. 

It was possibly sometime towards end of 2001 that my father purchased desktop computer for me. I remember going out with my cousin Bhola Dai to order the computer. The computer order went like this : This much of RAM, this much of memory.  I did not understand much of it, but that asseembled computer cost nearly 50,000 Rs and I promised my father that I would try to generate some money out of it. And I did start writing articles for kathmandu post, himalayan times and space time. It was a good pocket money, which came in handy when I left my teaching job to pursue Masters in Sociology in  Kirtipur. The classes were held in the day, so it was impossible for me to continue working. It was also around the same time that I actively started to volunteer with organizations working with and working for disabled people. Later, I also got engaged in research in disability. It seems my first 10 decades of 2010 was formative one for me. 

It was the decade, I pursued my Masters in Sociology, paved my way to becoming an academic and sociologist. It was also the decade I got married, had two children and also fulfilled my long-held dream to study abroad with scholarship. The beginning of that decade also came with lot of personal upheaval in my life. Beginning of that decade, I witnessed closely my mother's failing health and how I had to be there for her, not just physically to help her but also be more present in her life as a daughter. This required certain sacrifices from my part, I left my job as it was impossible to pursue higher education, take care of mother and also have a job all at the same time. Now, looking back, those first few years of the decade, when I took time off from teaching, allowed me to reassess lot of things in life. It was also a time, I got deeply into writing, poems in particular. I fell in "love", double quote because now I question it. But, that experience taught me a lot to rethink and reassess what kind of life partner, I wanted, if I ever married. It also gave me clarity about what I seek in a relationship. It's complicated but, I knew that I needed someone who is not a conventional husband, I needed a friend, who would value my feelings, respect my desire for freedom, who is supportive and non-judgemental. My decision to get married in 2005 was possibly about that, now I reflect. At the time of my marriage, it was also about putting rest to my parent's anxiety about me settling down. It was an intuitive decision, it was also about taking risks and jumping in and thinking about dealing with consequences later at that point. And I feel blessed to have found my partner who is everything that I hoped to find as a life partner. 

Last four years of first decade was busy, being mother of two children in between and pursuing higher education in Australia and also seeking a permanent academic position within Tribhuvan University. Whew, what a journey. I am glad, I decided and take risk to have two children, instead of one only. It melts my heart to see the beautiful bond they share, the way they talk to each other. The way they have their back, when any one of them feel, I am being bit demanding on the other one. It took a lot of sleepless nights, anxieties and stress of them falling sick one after another, balancing motherhood at the peak of my career. It was only because everyone contributed. My mother took care of them, fed them. My father was there, even with the very fact that he was there helped. And most importantly, my partner proved to be more of a mother than I was. His skills in physical and emotional care are astounding. And I know, now my sons know as well that their father is rare, he is involved. He listens to them, he talks to them, He is there for them, no matter what and they know it. 

Now, 2010-2020 was an interesting decade, I find it unbelievable that decade has gone. In the beginning of decade 2011, I found permanent position within Tribhuvan University. It was comforting in many ways as by that time, I knew that 9-5 administrative work is not me. I did not see myself sitting behind the desk whole day. I wanted to teach, I always have. My passion from teaching grew from my teaching experience in school for nearly 5 years. I wish there were good prospects for me to continue to teach in primary school, I have such fond memories of teaching young children. Many of them are now young professionals and have started their families. And what I value is they remember me, they call me out, when they see me in the street. No pleasure in the world beats the feeling when your students remember you as a good teacher, who loved them, cared about them and enabled them to learn. 

So, I also learnt, I wanted to do research and write actively. So, entering academia formally made sense to me. It was also the decade, I invested my time and energy to prepare my PhD applications for scholarship abroad. The highlight of that was visiting Columbia University as a Visting Fellow in 2012, where I delivered my first public lecture based on my research on women with disability. I also took a course on oral history. I still remember, walking in streets of Jackson heights, pottering around libraries of Columbia. The most memorable part of the US trip was to meet my dear friend Denise Marika, who is no more with us. Denise has been such a big influence in my life. Staying with her in Boston, visiting grounds of Harvard University are the memories, I cherish forever. This was also the time, I was enjoying my motherhood at its best. Shubham from the very moment on that Soham was born, became the model big brother. And Soham emulated him, for him everything that Shubham did was the ideal and he still tries to keep up. I enjoyed and I still do, reading for them and with them every day. Both boys had books when they were merely few months. I would start reading, pointing the pictures. Now, they both have love of books and love of words. I know, they would trade it for ipad anyday. But, still when they go to bed, they need to snuggle with the book on their hand. Shubham would not sleep unless he reads few pages. And with Soham, reading in bed with him is highlight of my day. It is a time that I truly relax and let go of all stress and frustrations. We read and through reading, we talk to each other, share our thoughts, share our feeling. My children are normal, they are not exceptional academic whiz kids and I am glad of that. They have hobbies, They are very keen on making things, particularly Soham is in phase of creating things from his hand. Last month was all about his passion in making bow and arrow, and whole household was involved as he was talking non stop about it and he wanted certain things that required great deal of research :) 

By end of 2014, I received scholarship to pursue Phd. I will elaborate the whole PhD saga perhaps in another post. It was a lifetime, an experience in intself, it had its highs and lows. It nearly cost my sanity, it made me feel guilty about not taking care of boys that well. Lot of emotional turmoil was there. But, I am glad, I have done that and I survived that. Comparing with some of my friends experience, who managed to do multiple publications, I could not do that. I knew, I could have done that, but considering that  impostor syndrome was full on, and also being available parent for first few years of PhD made it tough. But, I need to prioritize publication now, publish or perish will be my Mantra Now. 

The last five years ( 2015-2019), my family has lived in two different countries. We are back to Nepal after living four years in Australia. Boys studied there, in a very different education system and it has been quiet a transition for them to get used to education system in Nepal. It has been tough for them and I feel for them. And I can only hope that this will make them more adaptible and resilient individuals. As a parent, I believe we cannot shield our children from the challenges, we can only support them and enable them to fare with them better. Having formative years of education in Australia has been vaulable for them. They are critical thinkers, they are creative. They are expressive and yes, they have opinions and they express them. They would even critically analyze my own behavior as a parent and tell me at times when I am at odd or when I make mistakes. On immediate level, it is not a nice feeling to have. Most of us want this obidient subversient children who would follow our words. Well, my sons are not like that at all. But, they are kids and they need right direction. And my partner is better at steering in right direction, mostly in terms of their everyday routine and behaviour :) this is another blog post on its own about the parenting differences between us

So, here it is, an adieu to the year 2019. Acknowledging the last two decades of my life. And yes, happy and content just to be here. Immediate few years would be about enjoying the fruits of labour, thinking what next, and being more connected to my sons, being more available. They do not need that much of a physical intensive care anymore. They need more of somoene to talk to and I hope both of us as parents would be the first people they would talk to about anything. I will need to work more on that. On career front, I will keep doing what I am doing : thinking out of the box, investing more time and energy in teaching WELL, not just routine teaching, bringing new initiatives and ideas and most importantly, connecting with students. This connection has always meant a lot for my female students and I will continue that. This does not mean, I am not available for male students, but I guess, being Nepali women academic,  male students still value senior male academics than women academics. I will write more about this in my upcoming paper.  

It's 2nd of January 2020 4 am. I woke up at 3 am and could not go back to sleep. And I thought I better finish that blog that has been on my mind since early this week.