Motherhood: guilt and dreams

From morning To night

I rush through life

That is a chaos

Created on my own choice

I know my precious one

You want me

Just to be with you

Hold your hand

Cradle you into sleep

Just to be with you

And marvel at your

Gestures that you learn everyday

The first instance you smiled

The first words you uttered

The first step you took

You want me

To play with you

And be like you

Innocent, full of marvel

And wonder at the world

But somehow I am caught up

In this web of responsibilities and obligations

Everything has become a “task”

To get over with

To complete

To finish

Sometimes even caring for you

Becomes a mere activity

But today my dear

I leave everything

I close my computer

Turn off my phone

And just take that walk

I have wanted to take since long

I will walk with you outside the door

Holding your little hands

I will let you take me

where you want

I will be beside you

To see things that you discover

and point out in the way

I might forget camera

But I will remember

Your pure, selfless smile

In my heart

And keep it there

To keep me sane enough

To rejoin the crazy hectic world again

Seminars in Nepal: Mr. Know Alls, Ramblers and Super Experts

This article was published on Republica daily, available at following link

http://archives.myrepublica.com/portal/index.php?action=news_details&news_id=30808

Seminars in Nepal: Mr. Know Alls, Ramblers and Super Experts

For an ‘academic’ or rather someone who pretends to be one, participation in seminars and conferences is a regular occurrence in my life. A successful conference is one that contributes to knowledge and initiates constructive debate on a subject area. And of course, quality of the lunch counts too, after all who would have patience to listen and talk in an empty stomach. In this article, I wish to discuss some regular scenes and characters we regularly see in seminars in Nepal.

In Nepal, we do not have frequent number of academic seminars as we would like. Most of them are usually organized by NGO wallas, this invites a mixture of people from all different sorts of backgrounds and involvement. I would like to focus more on presenter and audience interaction that happens during the seminars and conferences.

One of the important factors for presenter to attend academic conference is to get an opportunity to present one’s work among a larger group of audience with diverse academic experience and interest. One expects to get some form of feedback, suggestions and ideas and possibly get to know people who are doing something similar.

The most distressing thing for presenter is to be asked question by an audience who hardly paid attention during presentation. These audience often ask repetitive question which have already been spoken by the presenter. I have often witnessed presenters being drilled with harsh criticisms and comments, which are often personal. Audience should be able to comment in an objective way focusing on the content of presentation. Due to these problems, presenters are often forced to present in defensive note. Based on observation of some of conferences I attended, I identify three different groups of audience based on the nature of interaction with the presenter.

Almost all of us have encountered Mr. Know all (in Nepal it is hard to find Mrs. Know all as very few women audiences speak during interaction session) whose main aim is to show just how smart they are. They have opinion on everything, which is not bad thing actually as long as it is based on some form of research and life experiences. Sometimes Mr. Know Alls are bent to embarrass the presenters by making remarks about the inadequacy of presenter’s work. They often comment that the presenter has not covered certain aspect which they think is important. Mr. Know Alls, fail to see that each research has its own limitations and has a certain way of inquiring into subject matter. Often these people comment that presenter’s data is too small and again fail to recall that the presenter said it was qualitative research. These Mr. Know Alls also fail to see that however broader the presenter’s research may be, due to time limitation of the presentation, presenters can hardly cover everything that they are investigating. Thus, it would be more effective if Mr. Know Alls contemplate on what they know first based on their research and life experience, then only venture to ask questions.

Another regular characters of Nepali seminars are Babblers. They stand up, give their introduction and begin to babble for next 5-10 minutes. The presenter and other people the moderator on the panel make a futile attempt to redirect this Babbler but without success. A lengthy monologue ends and presenter is forced to ask the Babbler again ‘what is it that you asked?’ Which of course is about to prompt the Babbler to speak for next few minutes with an intellectual smirk in his face. Fortunately, one of the panelists come to rescue and asks one ready made question on behalf of our Babbler. So, these Babblers are keen for limelight, they want to show they can speak but hardly they make a plan about what and why they are speaking for. Babblers sometimes bring interesting twist to conference but often they embarrass other people and themselves by such behavior. It would be great if Babblers formulate a clear question they wish to ask and re-check if it is anywhere relevant to presenter’s work.

Another brand of audience we can see is Super Expert. Normally, expert means having expertise in particular area and subject. However, this Super Expert we often encounter in conferences professes and pretends to be expert in almost everything that is even slightly related to their area. They have exclude image of authority and diffuse a certain air of intellectuality. They regards it their duty to inform, dissect and suggest anyone who happens to be presenting. Their targeted victims are usually fresh graduates and wannabes researcher. Super expert’s major objective of participating in seminar and conference is to assert their importance and contribution in their field. It would be great if Super Expert reflect on their own past when they presented in a seminar with their trembling heart and fluttering hands.

There may be more than these three groups of audiences that I have encountered till date. I am not saying that these kinds of audience are altogether wrong in their approach. What I am intending to show is that the audience should give a minimum level of credibility to presenter for his/her efforts. The inquiry should be directed in such a way that would help both audience and presenter to broaden their knowledge in particular area they are interested in. The discussion session will be more fruitful if an audience asks in such a way that enables presenters to clarify his subject area more broadly, which might have been left out in presentation. With this discussion, I am bracing myself up for my next presentation and curious about what other kinds of audience I would encounter in future.

Parenting experience in Nepal

Note: this article was published on Kathmandu post dated 13th November 2011, available in following link http://epaper.ekantipur.com/ktpost/showtext.aspx?boxid=1324484&parentid=14462&issuedate=13112011

When kids become sick: Dhup batti, Abipattikar churna and Azithromycin

-Dadhiram Khanal and Neeti Aryal Khanal

Ask any parent about their worst experience. Child’s sickness: that will be their definite answer. Didn’t we believe during those early happy days of a new parent, that dealing with dirty nappies/diapers and wailing at midnight is only for couple of years? After that, we were supposed to be as carefree as before. But soon enough we know that children, sick at any age are handful. So, extend your deadlines, postpone your weekend plans and forget your favorite TV shows. Your mobile is suddenly in control of little hands, and you are in no position to protest or negotiate. Don’t be surprised if your colleague calls you in not so pleasant voice and ask about numerous missed calls and blank messages. Don’t let weird ringtones and peculiar profile settings deter you either.

The issues that we are discussing in this article may not be representative for all Nepali parents. But chance meeting and sharing with parents in waiting rooms in hospital confirms that many middle class working parents undergo similar dilemmas and experiences.

First of all, when a child becomes sick, the first thing we usually do is search for reasons. Ask any doctor, one of the definite answers will be germs or virus. Many of previous generation of our parents strongly believe on influence of food habits and perhaps some of them even believe in concept of “evil eye”, ankha lagne. Thus, modern ajabholika Nepali parents like us have a unique way of looking at and dealing with children’s sickness. Here, we share the whole emotional drama of parent’s lives surrounding children’s sickness.

Investigation for reasons starts every time our five year old son starts coughing or sneezing. Was that the fistful of chocolate he ate coaxing his hajurama? Or was it the whole bottle of cold water he insisted in drinking claiming that he was too thirsty for warm water? Or was it because he was playing outside in cold evening without his cap? So it goes on. After the end of this mini-research, we start rehearsing an agreed version of “what went wrong” to retell it to the inquiring neighbors, relatives and pediatrician we may soon visit. But often, we are too troubled by the little one’s misery and discomfort that we do not know what to say.

The most recurring debate surrounding children’s treatment is over the merit of Ayurvedic vs Allopathic medicine. In our home, it occurs in divergent intensity depending on the level of the sickness. Our son’s hajurbuwa strongly believes in the power of the herbs and he himself is somewhat a self taught kabiraj. Often, visiting relatives swear by his self prepared concoction, Pachak to cure any tummy problem of kids and adults. Even our mother says that “kabiraj” medicine though working slowly always goes to the root of the problem whereas doctor’s medicine does not. So, mild sicknesses are often convincingly cured by some churna, bati and ras.

Sometimes, you are caught unaware when kids fall seriously ill often at the most hectic week at your work, as it happens with us now and then. We visit our trusted Pediatrician, who really listens. He seldom snatches his pad for hasty prescription of antibiotics within two minutes of consultation. But in serious illness, one has to give in to antibiotics despite all that apprehensive feeling of a parent on its supposedly negative effects. We have often heard few parents’ emotional turmoil over wrong diagnosis, sometimes at cost of child’s health. Often, parents consult multiple doctors all in good faith but are terribly confused with divergent diagnosis.

So, going back to our household drama, hajurama just doesn’t trust on power of kabiraj and doctor saab alone. For her dear naati, she is willing to go an extra mile and hail over all gods and goddesses she knows. Thus, usually the treatment starts with chants of mantra along with lighting Nepali paper incense, Bateko dhup and moving it over the body of the sick child. Definitely reminds us of some shamanic rituals of yesteryears, isn’t it? Earlier as new parents, we regarded it as useless superstitious gesture. But with time, we have learnt to accept and respect her efforts. Firstly, it makes her feel better that she is doing something worthwhile for recovery of her grandchild. Secondly, even our son is emotionally strengthened by his hajurama’s selfless efforts. Thirdly, may be somewhere out there god is really listening to us. Then grandpa joins in with his recommendation of some churna, bati and ras. But in times of prolonging sickness, hajurbuwa gives in to doctor sab’s Azithromycin. But definitely, he would soon start his ayurvedic practice after this bout of illness is over. His concern is on building immunity power of his nati. Soon the daily dosage of lip smacking Chyawanparash and not so yummy Abipattikar churna will start under hajurbuwa’s careful supervision.

And then, after about a week of sleepless nights and mobileless days, we go back to our normal selves. Of course, there will be chocolates, cold water and lot of playing without the cap on, all behind our back. After few months, there will be a cough here and a sneeze there. Then we know it would be time to roll up our sleeves, give up our mobiles and get ready for another roller coaster ride that parenting entails.

Disclaimer: The medicines discussed in the article are used as example only and in no way should be understood as prescribed medicines.

As parents of two children, the writers love to discuss different issues relating to parenting in Nepal. They can be reached at apednepal@gmail.com.

Love in fiction and reality

Wrong were those romantic

Films and stories

Where love is all about

Flowers, chocolates and stars

In real life,

“love “ is rarely the same

It changes its definition everyday

With you my dear

Love is all about

How we look at each other

In silence and understand

Exactly how the other is feeling

With you my dear

Love is all about

The way sometimes

We don’t walk together

Yet we know that we are

Moving towards same destination

With you my dear

Love is all about

Forgetting to give me

Flowers in my birthday

But standing beside me

Always in my trials and success

With you my dear

Love is all about

Nourishing our feelings

Through our children

Teaching them values of

Loyalty, trust and faith

With you my dear

Love is all about

Writing this poem

While cooking curry

And burning it

And you eating it

With a wicked smile.

Motherhood vs. Career

Note: this article was published on kathmandu post available on following link http://epaper.ekantipur.com/ktpost/showtext.aspx?boxid=13136921&parentid=12342&issuedate=2962011

Eons ago, my father asked me a very interesting but a contradictory question. He asked whether I wanted to get married or have a successful career. Like a typical Nepali father, he was concerned that should I be career oriented, I may pass a certain age and thus will not be so ‘saleable’ for ‘good’ marriage. And should I get married early, I may not be able to develop career. So, this long discussion turned into a page of a diary and later into an article. I wrote about marriage vs. career dilemma, truly reflecting my own particular situation at that time. I had talked about how getting married before building a career was disastrous for women like us who wanted to ‘be something’ and to create a different story than our mothers ‘housewife’ history. My remedy for the situation was simple enough reflecting my naivety and inexperience of unmarried state. I thought “putting a first step in career and getting married to man who encourages pursuing our career” was the perfect solution. And I was lucky for actually doing that. Now after six years of marriage and five years of motherhood, I feel the need to shift the debate of ‘marriage vs. career’ to that of ‘motherhood vs. career’.

By career, I am of course not talking about any regular job. Career is something that we love to do, even for free. It is something that truly reflects our interest and skills. Speaking truly, from vantage point of this supposedly privileged Bahun woman with higher education, I dare say unlike my male counterparts working is regarded as option for women. That is another reason; I prefer the word career rather than the job. So, this article is based on my own experience and also other several friends and colleagues of mine whom I admire for being able to perform this tightrope act of juggling in between motherhood and career in challenging situations.

Still in Nepal, marriage and motherhood is considered a natural life course for women. So, called ‘modern Nepali woman’ has to juggle in between her public and private lives like a pro. Women are expected to get married, have children and perfectly manage all that with their even more demanding career. If we be too career oriented and put off motherhood, there is constant bickering and whispers behind our back speculating our reproductive ability. And again, there is this whole business of ‘biological clock’ that is constantly ticking on the back of our mind warning date expiry of our ‘eggs’. Taking all these things in consideration, many women become mothers just when they are about to ‘be somewhere’ in the long ladder of career. Then, starts this challenge: maintaining very difficult balance between our motherhood and career.

First thing first, the most important factor for a woman to continue her career is maternity leave.
Unfortunately, only government offices and few private job providers have facility of maternity leave in Nepal. If our office have this facility, great. If it does not, then it is simply ‘ stay back home’ for couple of months or even years battling this constant anxiety of ‘being back’ into the public world. It takes a long time for a new mother to find another job and it is most likely that she will have to make lot of compromises. There is also a prevalent social ideal which puts us in doubt about our decision of ‘being back’. Women who decide to be back in job market before their children reach the first year are usually taunted with being too selfish and career oriented to leave tiny dudhe baccha behind . Obviously we do not need people telling us how difficult it is for new mothers to leave their infants to join work. Every time one’s breast becomes heavy with milk, you feel guilty all over again for being ‘selfish’. But there is little choice. It is either have courage to manage career with motherhood, or just be left behind.

This issue is also a major problem for new mothers; especially those who are breastfeeding and wish to continue to do so even when they are working. Breastmilk is undoubtedly the most important food for infants below six months. When I had my first baby five years ago, I did not know I could continue to breastfeed my child even I was away for work. It was only last year after I had my second child that I came to know about express breastfeeding. When I resumed my work after two months, I practiced express breastfeeding till six months. Though, it was obviously challenging and difficult. However, it helped me battle my ‘guilt’ over leaving my child so early for work.

The second challenge is finding the right caretaker for the infants. Most of the so called ‘child care centers’ only take children below eighteen months. Even if few do, their credibility and quality is doubtable. Many new mothers I know hire a live in household worker, which has its own challenges and complications. Many of us truly take advantage of our mothers and mothers in law’s ‘housewife status’ which brings range of different conflicting demands and situations. One of my friend use to commute every day to and fro Kirtipur to Baneshwor to leave her infant daughter to her mother and then commute back to her office in New road. I have often heard my friends concerns over the differences they have had with their mothers and mothers in law on methods and practices of caring infants. One of my friends always worried about her mother-in-law’s inability to feed her infant daughter properly.

The third challenge for working mother is inhospitable working environment which fails to understand the fact that women, especially new mothers have duty and responsibility beyond office hours. Many of my friends who work in banking sectors face greater challenges to manage their motherhood due to long working hours, often more than 11 hours a day. It is perhaps due to this culture that new mothers feel so guilty every time they pick up a phone to ring for absence due to sudden illness of an infant who needs immediate medical attention. Women often have doubts over their mothering skills when infants fall sick, which may happen often enough. So frequent absences also poses a danger of being tagged as incompetent and unprofessional.

Mothers who are especially working in areas which demand lot of extra office hours constantly battle their feeling of ‘not being good mother’. In our society, the ideology of intensive motherhood is very much strong. Most of us believe that mothers are the best caretaker of her children, which is undoubtedly true in most situations. So, in times of pressing deadlines, mandatory meetings and extra office hours, we tend to feel guilty when we are not there when our children need us most. The feeling hits hard especially when your kids are not feeling well. Sometimes we are not able to attend functions and celebrations at school and among relatives. And when our kids ask ‘why you were not there mama, so and so’s mothers were there’. Then at that time, we just wish that we were not so career oriented.

So, managing motherhood and career is challenging yet very rewarding too. After all, our present determines our children’s future. So, we need to battle off our guilt by understanding that the ‘quality time’ we spend with our children is far more important than the quantity of the time. We need to seek support from our husband, relatives and neighbors. We should always be aware about our limitations so that we do not take career decisions that are impossible for us to manage along with our motherhood.

Most important of all, we need to increase our skill in multitasking. I am writing all this while my little one (11months) is attempting to slam his fist over the laptop and lo! Just now a peculiar yet very familiar smell hit my nostrils. So, I better end this article here. Hope you understand!