On my 30 something Birthday

Its my birthday today. And honestly, I do not remember which year I am in this year. Seriously, I have stopped bothering counting my ages after I hit my 30s. On the 30th birthday, I had a sudden attack of panic. Where I am going? What have I done so far? Have I become what I wanted to become? I also checked whether wrinkles are already there? I checked thoroughly for any signs of white hair. I found one or two. 30s were the hardest year for me. I felt I have not done enough. I was not sure where I was heading towards in my life. Then, soon after I had my second pregnancy. It was a hell of a roller coaster ride: becoming a mother and at the same time trying to find my niche in the world. 

Couple of years later, I am now more settled. I am relaxed. And I am feeling young again. Its been a while I have felt I should stop fret about being in my 30s. I feel its great being just the age that I am in. And looking back, on personal life, I feel that I have experienced many things which I was looking forward to experience in my dreamy years of 20s. I had never thought about marriage seriously though I am romantic at heart. I always wanted to be mother and raise great children. Though, I am doubtful whether I really fit into the conventional notion of "mother', but one thing I know, " I am trying my best". 

So, in my 30 something years, I have gradually become "didi" of many more people than earlier experience of being called "bahini". There was a time when conductors used to call me "bahini", later they started calling me " didi". Now, they call me "aunty" too. Sometimes, I am amused at surprised glances when I say I am mother of two children. See, I am fishing for some kind of emotional gratification here. Every body wants to look and feel young. It sounds a cliche but I have begun to realize, it is more about feeling young at heart. Past couple of years, I have discovered my "inner child" again. And I am at peace with myself. I am more accepting towards growing old. I am welcoming towards the wrinkles. I am looking forward to couple of grey hairs. 

I feel like this perhaps because I am blessed with loving people around me. Loving husband who is so accommodating to my mood swings and crazy whims. Two beautiful sons whom I feel someday will grow up into wonderful men. Amazing parents who have always understood that I would not fit into the conventional box of "obedient daughter" . 

Its, wonderful being 30 something. Its wonderful to feel that you have now fulfilled all social expectations of becoming a woman in society: getting married and having children. Now, I feel, I can be something on my own. Looks like, my rebellious years of womanhood has just started. And I am happy that I am moving towards it. However, there are still couple of long held dreams, that I need to pursue. Few steps towards them have been undertaken. Few dreams have been put in a hold for a while. But for few dreams: I am working on small dozes, one step at a time. 

Happy Birthday to me...........

It had been long since I had heard about famous Nepali Film Kabaddi. Actually, we had planned to go to cinema hall together with whole family. But somehow that never became possible. And I missed its screening in few events. 

So, finally when I saw that Nepal Bharat Library was screening Kabaddi for its Cinemandu series on 5th July friday, I was determined to go anyhow. Shubham usually had Tabla classes every friday evening. But luckily this friday, he did not have Tabla class to attend. 

I picked up Shubham from his school bus in new road. That was not his regular stop. The driver took the bus far ahead to the other side. I had to run puffing here and there to catch up. Thank god, I did not have an accident. By the time, Shubham and I entered the library, the hall was nearly full. Fortunately we got the seat and Shubham started eating, hungry that we was after whole day of school. 

First, a short film " Bansuli" was screened. I loved it. It was set in backdrop of Jumla. Shbham was little bit disturbed by few scenes. I do not know why, perhaps he is too sensitive. Even a minor verbal debacle makes him uncomfortable. 

Then, Kabaddi started. It was just great, from beginning to end, not a single dull moment. Its amazing to see new age of heroism in Nepali cinema. Its great to see a man as a hero who is just so ordinary that you feel he is your own brother or father. The setting of Cinema in Mustang makes it even more alluring. For those, who have not been able to reach there yet, feel like packing your bag and start off a journey. All characters are natural, there is no acting about it. Humour is crisp and smooth. All in all, I feel Kabaddi is our own story. Director Ram Bahadur Gurung has done a great job. Actors Dayahang Rai, Nischal Basnet and Rishma Gurung.

Later, it was privilege to  hear Nischal Basnet and Ram Bahadur Gurungji during interaction. Ramji was albeit shy and would pass most of the questions to Nischal who answered them with clarity and intelligence. I however, could not share my observation about the film. Shubham had been nudging me long time to speak up. I observed that though character of Maiya ( Rishma Gurung) is very bold, I felt that directors could have expanded her possibility for more agency. She is just given a role of a girl between two guys. 

I was amazed by honest and candid observation of Nischal. He was accepting towards the comment and he said may be in future, they will be making films with such considerations. what touched me was not the answer but acceptance towards the view point expressed. In Nepal, I am so accustomed to be being challenged and questioned about "comments" that I sometimes rarely regard it important to speak. 

I hope the team brings forward another wonderful film for a particular group of people in Nepal who have been thinking since long that " Nepali films are not worth watching". Kabaddi challenges this belief and pulls us towards cinema halls and multiplexes, with the box of pop corn to laugh with our own very unique sense of Nepali humour. 

Looks like, better days of Nepali cinema are coming. And I very much look forward to it.