Motherhood: guilt and dreams

From morning To night

I rush through life

That is a chaos

Created on my own choice

I know my precious one

You want me

Just to be with you

Hold your hand

Cradle you into sleep

Just to be with you

And marvel at your

Gestures that you learn everyday

The first instance you smiled

The first words you uttered

The first step you took

You want me

To play with you

And be like you

Innocent, full of marvel

And wonder at the world

But somehow I am caught up

In this web of responsibilities and obligations

Everything has become a “task”

To get over with

To complete

To finish

Sometimes even caring for you

Becomes a mere activity

But today my dear

I leave everything

I close my computer

Turn off my phone

And just take that walk

I have wanted to take since long

I will walk with you outside the door

Holding your little hands

I will let you take me

where you want

I will be beside you

To see things that you discover

and point out in the way

I might forget camera

But I will remember

Your pure, selfless smile

In my heart

And keep it there

To keep me sane enough

To rejoin the crazy hectic world again

Seminars in Nepal: Mr. Know Alls, Ramblers and Super Experts

This article was published on Republica daily, available at following link

http://archives.myrepublica.com/portal/index.php?action=news_details&news_id=30808

Seminars in Nepal: Mr. Know Alls, Ramblers and Super Experts

For an ‘academic’ or rather someone who pretends to be one, participation in seminars and conferences is a regular occurrence in my life. A successful conference is one that contributes to knowledge and initiates constructive debate on a subject area. And of course, quality of the lunch counts too, after all who would have patience to listen and talk in an empty stomach. In this article, I wish to discuss some regular scenes and characters we regularly see in seminars in Nepal.

In Nepal, we do not have frequent number of academic seminars as we would like. Most of them are usually organized by NGO wallas, this invites a mixture of people from all different sorts of backgrounds and involvement. I would like to focus more on presenter and audience interaction that happens during the seminars and conferences.

One of the important factors for presenter to attend academic conference is to get an opportunity to present one’s work among a larger group of audience with diverse academic experience and interest. One expects to get some form of feedback, suggestions and ideas and possibly get to know people who are doing something similar.

The most distressing thing for presenter is to be asked question by an audience who hardly paid attention during presentation. These audience often ask repetitive question which have already been spoken by the presenter. I have often witnessed presenters being drilled with harsh criticisms and comments, which are often personal. Audience should be able to comment in an objective way focusing on the content of presentation. Due to these problems, presenters are often forced to present in defensive note. Based on observation of some of conferences I attended, I identify three different groups of audience based on the nature of interaction with the presenter.

Almost all of us have encountered Mr. Know all (in Nepal it is hard to find Mrs. Know all as very few women audiences speak during interaction session) whose main aim is to show just how smart they are. They have opinion on everything, which is not bad thing actually as long as it is based on some form of research and life experiences. Sometimes Mr. Know Alls are bent to embarrass the presenters by making remarks about the inadequacy of presenter’s work. They often comment that the presenter has not covered certain aspect which they think is important. Mr. Know Alls, fail to see that each research has its own limitations and has a certain way of inquiring into subject matter. Often these people comment that presenter’s data is too small and again fail to recall that the presenter said it was qualitative research. These Mr. Know Alls also fail to see that however broader the presenter’s research may be, due to time limitation of the presentation, presenters can hardly cover everything that they are investigating. Thus, it would be more effective if Mr. Know Alls contemplate on what they know first based on their research and life experience, then only venture to ask questions.

Another regular characters of Nepali seminars are Babblers. They stand up, give their introduction and begin to babble for next 5-10 minutes. The presenter and other people the moderator on the panel make a futile attempt to redirect this Babbler but without success. A lengthy monologue ends and presenter is forced to ask the Babbler again ‘what is it that you asked?’ Which of course is about to prompt the Babbler to speak for next few minutes with an intellectual smirk in his face. Fortunately, one of the panelists come to rescue and asks one ready made question on behalf of our Babbler. So, these Babblers are keen for limelight, they want to show they can speak but hardly they make a plan about what and why they are speaking for. Babblers sometimes bring interesting twist to conference but often they embarrass other people and themselves by such behavior. It would be great if Babblers formulate a clear question they wish to ask and re-check if it is anywhere relevant to presenter’s work.

Another brand of audience we can see is Super Expert. Normally, expert means having expertise in particular area and subject. However, this Super Expert we often encounter in conferences professes and pretends to be expert in almost everything that is even slightly related to their area. They have exclude image of authority and diffuse a certain air of intellectuality. They regards it their duty to inform, dissect and suggest anyone who happens to be presenting. Their targeted victims are usually fresh graduates and wannabes researcher. Super expert’s major objective of participating in seminar and conference is to assert their importance and contribution in their field. It would be great if Super Expert reflect on their own past when they presented in a seminar with their trembling heart and fluttering hands.

There may be more than these three groups of audiences that I have encountered till date. I am not saying that these kinds of audience are altogether wrong in their approach. What I am intending to show is that the audience should give a minimum level of credibility to presenter for his/her efforts. The inquiry should be directed in such a way that would help both audience and presenter to broaden their knowledge in particular area they are interested in. The discussion session will be more fruitful if an audience asks in such a way that enables presenters to clarify his subject area more broadly, which might have been left out in presentation. With this discussion, I am bracing myself up for my next presentation and curious about what other kinds of audience I would encounter in future.

Parenting experience in Nepal

Note: this article was published on Kathmandu post dated 13th November 2011, available in following link http://epaper.ekantipur.com/ktpost/showtext.aspx?boxid=1324484&parentid=14462&issuedate=13112011

When kids become sick: Dhup batti, Abipattikar churna and Azithromycin

-Dadhiram Khanal and Neeti Aryal Khanal

Ask any parent about their worst experience. Child’s sickness: that will be their definite answer. Didn’t we believe during those early happy days of a new parent, that dealing with dirty nappies/diapers and wailing at midnight is only for couple of years? After that, we were supposed to be as carefree as before. But soon enough we know that children, sick at any age are handful. So, extend your deadlines, postpone your weekend plans and forget your favorite TV shows. Your mobile is suddenly in control of little hands, and you are in no position to protest or negotiate. Don’t be surprised if your colleague calls you in not so pleasant voice and ask about numerous missed calls and blank messages. Don’t let weird ringtones and peculiar profile settings deter you either.

The issues that we are discussing in this article may not be representative for all Nepali parents. But chance meeting and sharing with parents in waiting rooms in hospital confirms that many middle class working parents undergo similar dilemmas and experiences.

First of all, when a child becomes sick, the first thing we usually do is search for reasons. Ask any doctor, one of the definite answers will be germs or virus. Many of previous generation of our parents strongly believe on influence of food habits and perhaps some of them even believe in concept of “evil eye”, ankha lagne. Thus, modern ajabholika Nepali parents like us have a unique way of looking at and dealing with children’s sickness. Here, we share the whole emotional drama of parent’s lives surrounding children’s sickness.

Investigation for reasons starts every time our five year old son starts coughing or sneezing. Was that the fistful of chocolate he ate coaxing his hajurama? Or was it the whole bottle of cold water he insisted in drinking claiming that he was too thirsty for warm water? Or was it because he was playing outside in cold evening without his cap? So it goes on. After the end of this mini-research, we start rehearsing an agreed version of “what went wrong” to retell it to the inquiring neighbors, relatives and pediatrician we may soon visit. But often, we are too troubled by the little one’s misery and discomfort that we do not know what to say.

The most recurring debate surrounding children’s treatment is over the merit of Ayurvedic vs Allopathic medicine. In our home, it occurs in divergent intensity depending on the level of the sickness. Our son’s hajurbuwa strongly believes in the power of the herbs and he himself is somewhat a self taught kabiraj. Often, visiting relatives swear by his self prepared concoction, Pachak to cure any tummy problem of kids and adults. Even our mother says that “kabiraj” medicine though working slowly always goes to the root of the problem whereas doctor’s medicine does not. So, mild sicknesses are often convincingly cured by some churna, bati and ras.

Sometimes, you are caught unaware when kids fall seriously ill often at the most hectic week at your work, as it happens with us now and then. We visit our trusted Pediatrician, who really listens. He seldom snatches his pad for hasty prescription of antibiotics within two minutes of consultation. But in serious illness, one has to give in to antibiotics despite all that apprehensive feeling of a parent on its supposedly negative effects. We have often heard few parents’ emotional turmoil over wrong diagnosis, sometimes at cost of child’s health. Often, parents consult multiple doctors all in good faith but are terribly confused with divergent diagnosis.

So, going back to our household drama, hajurama just doesn’t trust on power of kabiraj and doctor saab alone. For her dear naati, she is willing to go an extra mile and hail over all gods and goddesses she knows. Thus, usually the treatment starts with chants of mantra along with lighting Nepali paper incense, Bateko dhup and moving it over the body of the sick child. Definitely reminds us of some shamanic rituals of yesteryears, isn’t it? Earlier as new parents, we regarded it as useless superstitious gesture. But with time, we have learnt to accept and respect her efforts. Firstly, it makes her feel better that she is doing something worthwhile for recovery of her grandchild. Secondly, even our son is emotionally strengthened by his hajurama’s selfless efforts. Thirdly, may be somewhere out there god is really listening to us. Then grandpa joins in with his recommendation of some churna, bati and ras. But in times of prolonging sickness, hajurbuwa gives in to doctor sab’s Azithromycin. But definitely, he would soon start his ayurvedic practice after this bout of illness is over. His concern is on building immunity power of his nati. Soon the daily dosage of lip smacking Chyawanparash and not so yummy Abipattikar churna will start under hajurbuwa’s careful supervision.

And then, after about a week of sleepless nights and mobileless days, we go back to our normal selves. Of course, there will be chocolates, cold water and lot of playing without the cap on, all behind our back. After few months, there will be a cough here and a sneeze there. Then we know it would be time to roll up our sleeves, give up our mobiles and get ready for another roller coaster ride that parenting entails.

Disclaimer: The medicines discussed in the article are used as example only and in no way should be understood as prescribed medicines.

As parents of two children, the writers love to discuss different issues relating to parenting in Nepal. They can be reached at apednepal@gmail.com.

Love in fiction and reality

Wrong were those romantic

Films and stories

Where love is all about

Flowers, chocolates and stars

In real life,

“love “ is rarely the same

It changes its definition everyday

With you my dear

Love is all about

How we look at each other

In silence and understand

Exactly how the other is feeling

With you my dear

Love is all about

The way sometimes

We don’t walk together

Yet we know that we are

Moving towards same destination

With you my dear

Love is all about

Forgetting to give me

Flowers in my birthday

But standing beside me

Always in my trials and success

With you my dear

Love is all about

Nourishing our feelings

Through our children

Teaching them values of

Loyalty, trust and faith

With you my dear

Love is all about

Writing this poem

While cooking curry

And burning it

And you eating it

With a wicked smile.

Motherhood vs. Career

Note: this article was published on kathmandu post available on following link http://epaper.ekantipur.com/ktpost/showtext.aspx?boxid=13136921&parentid=12342&issuedate=2962011

Eons ago, my father asked me a very interesting but a contradictory question. He asked whether I wanted to get married or have a successful career. Like a typical Nepali father, he was concerned that should I be career oriented, I may pass a certain age and thus will not be so ‘saleable’ for ‘good’ marriage. And should I get married early, I may not be able to develop career. So, this long discussion turned into a page of a diary and later into an article. I wrote about marriage vs. career dilemma, truly reflecting my own particular situation at that time. I had talked about how getting married before building a career was disastrous for women like us who wanted to ‘be something’ and to create a different story than our mothers ‘housewife’ history. My remedy for the situation was simple enough reflecting my naivety and inexperience of unmarried state. I thought “putting a first step in career and getting married to man who encourages pursuing our career” was the perfect solution. And I was lucky for actually doing that. Now after six years of marriage and five years of motherhood, I feel the need to shift the debate of ‘marriage vs. career’ to that of ‘motherhood vs. career’.

By career, I am of course not talking about any regular job. Career is something that we love to do, even for free. It is something that truly reflects our interest and skills. Speaking truly, from vantage point of this supposedly privileged Bahun woman with higher education, I dare say unlike my male counterparts working is regarded as option for women. That is another reason; I prefer the word career rather than the job. So, this article is based on my own experience and also other several friends and colleagues of mine whom I admire for being able to perform this tightrope act of juggling in between motherhood and career in challenging situations.

Still in Nepal, marriage and motherhood is considered a natural life course for women. So, called ‘modern Nepali woman’ has to juggle in between her public and private lives like a pro. Women are expected to get married, have children and perfectly manage all that with their even more demanding career. If we be too career oriented and put off motherhood, there is constant bickering and whispers behind our back speculating our reproductive ability. And again, there is this whole business of ‘biological clock’ that is constantly ticking on the back of our mind warning date expiry of our ‘eggs’. Taking all these things in consideration, many women become mothers just when they are about to ‘be somewhere’ in the long ladder of career. Then, starts this challenge: maintaining very difficult balance between our motherhood and career.

First thing first, the most important factor for a woman to continue her career is maternity leave.
Unfortunately, only government offices and few private job providers have facility of maternity leave in Nepal. If our office have this facility, great. If it does not, then it is simply ‘ stay back home’ for couple of months or even years battling this constant anxiety of ‘being back’ into the public world. It takes a long time for a new mother to find another job and it is most likely that she will have to make lot of compromises. There is also a prevalent social ideal which puts us in doubt about our decision of ‘being back’. Women who decide to be back in job market before their children reach the first year are usually taunted with being too selfish and career oriented to leave tiny dudhe baccha behind . Obviously we do not need people telling us how difficult it is for new mothers to leave their infants to join work. Every time one’s breast becomes heavy with milk, you feel guilty all over again for being ‘selfish’. But there is little choice. It is either have courage to manage career with motherhood, or just be left behind.

This issue is also a major problem for new mothers; especially those who are breastfeeding and wish to continue to do so even when they are working. Breastmilk is undoubtedly the most important food for infants below six months. When I had my first baby five years ago, I did not know I could continue to breastfeed my child even I was away for work. It was only last year after I had my second child that I came to know about express breastfeeding. When I resumed my work after two months, I practiced express breastfeeding till six months. Though, it was obviously challenging and difficult. However, it helped me battle my ‘guilt’ over leaving my child so early for work.

The second challenge is finding the right caretaker for the infants. Most of the so called ‘child care centers’ only take children below eighteen months. Even if few do, their credibility and quality is doubtable. Many new mothers I know hire a live in household worker, which has its own challenges and complications. Many of us truly take advantage of our mothers and mothers in law’s ‘housewife status’ which brings range of different conflicting demands and situations. One of my friend use to commute every day to and fro Kirtipur to Baneshwor to leave her infant daughter to her mother and then commute back to her office in New road. I have often heard my friends concerns over the differences they have had with their mothers and mothers in law on methods and practices of caring infants. One of my friends always worried about her mother-in-law’s inability to feed her infant daughter properly.

The third challenge for working mother is inhospitable working environment which fails to understand the fact that women, especially new mothers have duty and responsibility beyond office hours. Many of my friends who work in banking sectors face greater challenges to manage their motherhood due to long working hours, often more than 11 hours a day. It is perhaps due to this culture that new mothers feel so guilty every time they pick up a phone to ring for absence due to sudden illness of an infant who needs immediate medical attention. Women often have doubts over their mothering skills when infants fall sick, which may happen often enough. So frequent absences also poses a danger of being tagged as incompetent and unprofessional.

Mothers who are especially working in areas which demand lot of extra office hours constantly battle their feeling of ‘not being good mother’. In our society, the ideology of intensive motherhood is very much strong. Most of us believe that mothers are the best caretaker of her children, which is undoubtedly true in most situations. So, in times of pressing deadlines, mandatory meetings and extra office hours, we tend to feel guilty when we are not there when our children need us most. The feeling hits hard especially when your kids are not feeling well. Sometimes we are not able to attend functions and celebrations at school and among relatives. And when our kids ask ‘why you were not there mama, so and so’s mothers were there’. Then at that time, we just wish that we were not so career oriented.

So, managing motherhood and career is challenging yet very rewarding too. After all, our present determines our children’s future. So, we need to battle off our guilt by understanding that the ‘quality time’ we spend with our children is far more important than the quantity of the time. We need to seek support from our husband, relatives and neighbors. We should always be aware about our limitations so that we do not take career decisions that are impossible for us to manage along with our motherhood.

Most important of all, we need to increase our skill in multitasking. I am writing all this while my little one (11months) is attempting to slam his fist over the laptop and lo! Just now a peculiar yet very familiar smell hit my nostrils. So, I better end this article here. Hope you understand!

Unmasking the sexual offenders hiding behind the cloak of social work

I have been pregnant with ideas, but unable to give birth. It feels so amazing that I haven't been able to write up anything. Thoughts have come and gone. Ideas, brilliant at first, exciting and exhilarating have gone unrecorded. That is why perhaps, I feel my heart so heavy with burden. I have begun to snap and shout with slightest provocation. Now that I realize, what an important therapy writing is for me. Thus, here I go, start again..............just following the strands of my thoughts.

I want to talk about hypocrisy, specially that of sexual offenders wearing a cloak of 'respectability'. I also want to explore reasons why girls/women who experience it feel compelled to be silent. I also want to know about people who are witnesses, who have observed such tendencies but still say nothing.

I want to talk about a certain class of sexual offenders, who are self-proclaimed and publicly recognized social workers, political leaders and other so called 'respectable people' of society. These people take undue advantage of the trust that people put under them. It enrages my heart to see these people being awarded, being applauded, being hailed as a leader while these people are always under the cloak of 'respectability' carrying their sins underneath.

Why can't we speak? Why don't we break silence? It is because most of the time, society blames the victim. People say, ' how can girl be abused without provocation?", ' she must have done something', ' it must have been her fault'.

How can we change this attitude? How can we unmask these hidden crimes? I want to call over all the people who read this blog to share about the incident that they have themselves experienced or have heard someone experiencing. I wish we could start the campaign of unmasking these so called social leader's guilts so that in future, they would be more aware before they think about taking advantage people who trust them.

I applaud specially one blind girl I know who openly spoke about the sexual abuse she faced from the so called renowned social worker. He had established an integrated school in Baglung and was commended for his service. He had been sexaully abusing the blind girl students under his care. Later, with the activism of Women's Committe of Nepal asssociation of the Blind, of which I was a volunteer was able to file a case against him. Neera Adhikari, my dear friend played a great role in motivating me to be involved. Later this involvement led me to write my Master's thesis on Sexual violence against disabled women, which gradually kindled my interest to be actively involved in issues relating to disabled women.

I have seen and heard series of instances of sexual harrassment occuring within the walls of a certain institution that I knew. One of these incidents provoked one youth and he nearly took offender's life. But the offender being self proclaimed social leader and social worker, dubbed himself as 'Mahatma Gandhi' ( remember that Mahatma Gandhi was killed by his own follower). This analogy worked great with him. I do not applaud the youth's action on physically hurting the offender. What we should have done collectively was to seek legal means. But Nepal being Nepal, we all know how justice is in hands of the rich and respected. Soon after that, there was a lot of buzz and rumours about the cause of incident, but nothing happened. The people affected, the peope who witnessed, the people who knew just remained silent. I know this silence may go on forever. It distresses me everytime I have to say 'namaste' to him for the sake of social etiquette. The only thing I have been able to do about this incident is write a poem about it: I present it here, all over again..........

http://poemsofneeti.blogspot.com/2008/03/actor-and-director-no-need-to-put-on.html

Myth of beauty

'Plain Jane'
ordinary looking girls
have to walk an extra mile
Need to smile more
Be more kinder
More compromising

While the world tell us
and asks us to believe
that beauty lies within
and not in skin
Still, we know the reality
that
While others have beauty
We need to develop
a 'character'
We need 'talent'

Then one in among of us
like Susan Boyle
Stands up to perform
While being ridiculed
Then, a silence follows soon after

Story that ended without an ending

A story

Never written

Never completed

Ended without an ending

Lingering effects

Sub effects

Constant searches

In faces

In feelings

In a mask

Sometimes

featuring in between dreams

fading in obscurity

but yet something potent

a dream of 'impossible'

is what makes it alive

Boundaries of friendship

This is dedicated to one deviant soul, the way I see her. Despite your flaws, despite my flaws. Despite the gaps, despite the spaces, despite the 'edicts' of society, we are still friends.

Friendship
is always defined
in such a glossy terms
'friend in a need'
Inspiring
Motivating
But friends,
like us are far from perfect
They are not always nice
Sometimes sarcastic
Hurtful
We judge them
They judge us
Through lenses of cynicism
codes of morality
rulers of social norms and values

There are some friends
who never ever
reach the core
there is something
always on the way
Not enough meetings
Not similar personalities
Boundaries
lot of cross over

Friendship also has lot of layers
We say it takes time
to grow, to blossom
to mellow
and perhaps to die

We categorize friendship
'best'
'hi hellos'
'occasional'
And there are few 'instant' ones
In a moment, in a way
On a way to travel
Then, gone !
We never keep in touch
We never talk
But it is there
Perhaps it is the 'illusion'
of the moment
That keeps on cherishing
Wanting to make few more memories

Some friendships
are stories of broken bond
Forgotten times
and wishes
and sad memories
which we never revisit and
reclaim
We never dare to say sorry
or I was wrong
But we prod along
High and mighty
judging them from superior airs
Some defiant brave soul
When they break the taboo
When they do not conform
I pay tribute to one
special deviant soul
Who dared,
I remember you as a defiant
Whom I admire
Whom I dare 'not to be'
I want you to know
That though there have been gaps
and paces
and spaces
and now boundaries
I wish, we had been friends
I still hope, we are

Who is the real teacher

This poem is dedicated to my son Shubham. He reverses the way I see parenting. I see that the children are great teachers. They take us back to childhood and urge us to shed off our self importance and ego. They truly teach us importance of love. They teach us how to love without a reason, without expectation

I am confused
who teaches whom?
On one hand, I stand
with 'worldly wisdom'
with the 'harsh' realities
of this violent world
On the other hand
is my son
Still pure
Untainted
Free
Innocent
Full of trust
Love
Devoid of scepticism
Without pretence
Without 'ego'

I pretend to be teacher
To teach him
What is bad?
And what is good
I answer his endless
Questions of 'what is that'
He never asks 'why'
Coz, his world is still free of logic
And reason
It’s all about emotions
Instinct
Sixth Sense
He is still close
To divine
Close to earth
He is still grounded

So, who will teach whom
I wonder
Who is the real teacher?
Me, being so disillusioned
By the world
Me, so lacking trust
Me, so full of 'ego'
And self importance
Or you still pure
Untarnished
Unblemished by the cruel ways of world.

When you smile
It comes within
It is not stuck in between lips
Just to show
You do not expect anything in return
when you hug me
You still live in happy world of imagination
Where elephants fly
Lions speak
Full of Chocolates
And Fairies
Sometimes, demons lurk in between
There are 'bad men' too
You know that
But you believe that good always wins

Perhaps we both come halfway
And teach each other
You will learn some harsh realities
I know
But yet never forget the
World of dreams and imagination
You teach me how to smile
straight from heart
To shed off my ‘ego’
And most important of all
To love without expectation

On our fourth anniversary

It is for you . I am lucky to have you in my life. I can only explain, what i feel but still I can't pin point, what exactly it is.


With you
there were no promise of stars
It was different from romantic
novels
i read
You were not the dashing hero
that I dreamt of
You were hidden somewhere
yet always visible
but we never noticed each other

Must be destiny
now, that
we are together
We have no poems for each other
Like an ordinary couple
we are not seen putting arms on each other
we do not blush
We do not proclaim love
we are unorthodox couple

People have asked us
whether ours is
arranged or love marriage
Answers are never easy
As it is something in between
Perhaps relationship
brought through divine matchmaker

We did not love instantly
It is something more complicated
than this much hyped
'love' that we feel for each other.
Apart from love
we are more worried about
peace
our country
We have a common mission
and goal
Instead of musing on our
love for each other
We rather discuss
What to write next
We inspire each other
to do something positive
To contribute


Thus, we are hopeless
change makers
Constantly striving to learn
To change ourselves
to better ourselves
and thus
aiding each other in this process

Bounded in this difficult
institution called marriage
We often act conventional
husband and wife
and pretend that we conform
But what matters most
is that inner friendship we have
The trust
The sense of responsibility
Understanding
Is that what they call 'love'
Perhaps,
I am not sure
But, does it matter
whatever it is called?

Is motherhood a choice for Nepali women?

For Nepali women, motherhood is both a source of agency and subjugation. It is a source of agency because as it is only through status of a mother, specially that of son, a Nepali women can enjoy a higher status in her family and society. I am speaking from vantage point of middle class upper caste women like myself, based on my personal experience and observations. This may not be true for every other Nepali women.

How far Nepali women have a choice when to become mothers or be mothers at all? There is very little choice. It is because motherhood is so much seen as an ultimate fulfillment of femininity. Every women is somehow considered a natural mother. It is regarded as an ultimate goal for every woman. Looking at motherhood as an individual like myself, it is full of contradictions. The first contradiction on general belief of motherhood is that it is natural. It is regarded that every woman when given birth to child, acquires the art and craft of motherhood. However, motherhood is learnt by social behavior, norms, values and also the generational knowledge handed over by previous generation. Reflecting on my own journey towards motherhood I see that it is a life long course which I have partly learnt through my mother's lessons, friends counsel, neighbour's heresay, mass-media, literature and to some extent my own lived and embodied experience. Thus, I claim that I am not a natural mother, I have learnt to become a mother.

Another contradictions which I have faced constantly due to my life choices is belief in 'intensive motherhood'. Intensive motherhood ideology preaches that only mothers are the best persons to look after their children. It believes that mothers should be available to children all the time especially in their early years. The lack of that will consequently lead to serious psychological effects on child. This is a sensitive topic for me to dwell on. My decision to come to Melbourne for further studies led me to leave my 18 months old son in my parent's care. Several times, I have been branded as 'over ambitious' and 'career oriented' and sometimes even cruel. I was caught in between my ambition and motherhood. I knew that opportunity does not knock the door twice. I was in crossroads of my career which was again mediated by my motherhood. After I became mother, I chose to work only when I could. Thus, I saw myself being stagnant in my career for couple of years. Thus, I either had to choose this or be prepared to be stagnant for some other years to come.

Another big factor in motherhood of Nepali women is son vs daughter debate. Recently I had got hold of Chinese calendar which gives a list of best year and month to conceive daughter or son. Some of my friends had used it and become successful to bear son, they never tried it for a daughter. I sometimes hear that ' It is women themselves who want to bear son'. I say, they do because we have to look at how women with daughters only are treated. I remember one of my friend whose first born was daughter. Her husband was only son in the family. She was afraid that her husband will be marrying another woman if she does not bear him son. That is why, Nepali women, even so called educated career oriented women sometimes opt to have a son rather than daughter. However, there is some other debate going on which argues that ' daughter are much better than son, as son leave their home anyway these days' . One of the main reason for son preference in Nepal is our tendency to see them as our insurance for old days. The present trend shows that this belief is gradually crumbling down. I wish that Nepal abolishes its heir system in which only sons can inherit parental property. It is an irony that parents work hard to earn property which ultimately passes over to their sons. It will take a long time when ultimately Nepal could have a will system of inheritance.

Thus, there is a long way to go for Nepali women in having agency in their motherhood. It is still debated whether one needs to become mother at all to be fulfilled. There are women like Mother Teresa who choose to remain barren but became mother of millions of improvised children. It is

Maoist women's future

Everybody has a opinion about what is happening in Nepal and why. It is such a complex issue to argue and talk about. Thus, I do not have any distinct opinion or argument in it. At this time, I am thinking about my participants and their future. I interviewed 10 Maoist women about their motherhood experiences. Most of them were in cantonment. They were engaged in 'people's war' in several ways ranging from issues of domestic violence to ideological commitments towards class less society. I see Maoist women's integration in Nepali society most problematic of all. They have defied the social norms and codes of Nepali society by being engaged in armed struggle. Contrary to men, who have always been seen as warriors and dissents in Nepali political history. What will happen to these women? Would they go back to carrying arms again? What about their children, will they turn into another generation of rebels? Will these women women be ever accepted as wives, dauthers and dauthers-in-law in our society?

Me and my mother

Sometimes, I just wonder how I have let life slip through my fingers. Am I indulging myself too much. Should I be more duty conscious? Should I be more responsible. But again, these are such ambiguous terms. Especially these all lamentations come, when I see my role as a mother. I am a mother, who is so different from my own mother. My mother, whose sole purpose in life was to look after her husband and children. sometimes she tells me, ' oh, life is so easy for you girls today. You no longer have to do chores like we used to. You don't have strict mother-in-law like me'.

When I compare my life with my mother, I see times have indeed changed. She is one driving force behind this change. Everytime when I wanted to enter the kitchen to cook something or just fool around, she would say' I could not study, I have nothing else to do apart from this. You have to study, so that you will not end up like me'. She always encouraged me to be something. Apart from other mothers of my friends, she never was interested for finding good husband for me. but rather she beleived that I should be financially independent. My father was a patriarch in true sense. He controlled me, but in such a way that I reach my goals. I make the best of what I could do. I still remember, almost a decade ago, he called me for a serious meeting. I was about to graduate then. He asked ' what do you want in you life. If you want to marry and have kids and be housewife, now is the time for that. But, if you want to study more and make a career, you could do that. But you have to be ready to accept that you may not find a good husband. As you know that in Nepal, men don't want to get married with women who are more educated or career oriented than them'. I said, what my father wanted me to say and knew that I would say:' I choose career'.

Thus, now, I am in this lop sided balance of motherhood and career, which is not vs but somehow complements each other. It is a difficult balance that many women choose or forced to choose. Just few weeks ago, I read buchi emecheta's ' Joys of motherhood'. The first book I ever read that discussed about the daily lives of black women. The central character in the book had to become mother to be accepted as a woman. But again, sometimes her motherhood became a chain that she could not break free from. At the end, struggling through out her life for her children, she dies. But none of her children are able to look after her in her most difficult old age. She dies, alone. But then, her sons perform the most expensive funeral ever. What is the point?

The blog post, does not make sense even to me. It is a series of uncordinated ideas, which has been happening a lot while I write thesis. I come to blog, when I just want to write and not being cared about providing a good argument. It is my friend, who would listen, even if i have the most silliest thing to say. I am happy for discovering this outlet