Motherhood vs. Career

Note: this article was published on kathmandu post available on following link http://epaper.ekantipur.com/ktpost/showtext.aspx?boxid=13136921&parentid=12342&issuedate=2962011

Eons ago, my father asked me a very interesting but a contradictory question. He asked whether I wanted to get married or have a successful career. Like a typical Nepali father, he was concerned that should I be career oriented, I may pass a certain age and thus will not be so ‘saleable’ for ‘good’ marriage. And should I get married early, I may not be able to develop career. So, this long discussion turned into a page of a diary and later into an article. I wrote about marriage vs. career dilemma, truly reflecting my own particular situation at that time. I had talked about how getting married before building a career was disastrous for women like us who wanted to ‘be something’ and to create a different story than our mothers ‘housewife’ history. My remedy for the situation was simple enough reflecting my naivety and inexperience of unmarried state. I thought “putting a first step in career and getting married to man who encourages pursuing our career” was the perfect solution. And I was lucky for actually doing that. Now after six years of marriage and five years of motherhood, I feel the need to shift the debate of ‘marriage vs. career’ to that of ‘motherhood vs. career’.

By career, I am of course not talking about any regular job. Career is something that we love to do, even for free. It is something that truly reflects our interest and skills. Speaking truly, from vantage point of this supposedly privileged Bahun woman with higher education, I dare say unlike my male counterparts working is regarded as option for women. That is another reason; I prefer the word career rather than the job. So, this article is based on my own experience and also other several friends and colleagues of mine whom I admire for being able to perform this tightrope act of juggling in between motherhood and career in challenging situations.

Still in Nepal, marriage and motherhood is considered a natural life course for women. So, called ‘modern Nepali woman’ has to juggle in between her public and private lives like a pro. Women are expected to get married, have children and perfectly manage all that with their even more demanding career. If we be too career oriented and put off motherhood, there is constant bickering and whispers behind our back speculating our reproductive ability. And again, there is this whole business of ‘biological clock’ that is constantly ticking on the back of our mind warning date expiry of our ‘eggs’. Taking all these things in consideration, many women become mothers just when they are about to ‘be somewhere’ in the long ladder of career. Then, starts this challenge: maintaining very difficult balance between our motherhood and career.

First thing first, the most important factor for a woman to continue her career is maternity leave.
Unfortunately, only government offices and few private job providers have facility of maternity leave in Nepal. If our office have this facility, great. If it does not, then it is simply ‘ stay back home’ for couple of months or even years battling this constant anxiety of ‘being back’ into the public world. It takes a long time for a new mother to find another job and it is most likely that she will have to make lot of compromises. There is also a prevalent social ideal which puts us in doubt about our decision of ‘being back’. Women who decide to be back in job market before their children reach the first year are usually taunted with being too selfish and career oriented to leave tiny dudhe baccha behind . Obviously we do not need people telling us how difficult it is for new mothers to leave their infants to join work. Every time one’s breast becomes heavy with milk, you feel guilty all over again for being ‘selfish’. But there is little choice. It is either have courage to manage career with motherhood, or just be left behind.

This issue is also a major problem for new mothers; especially those who are breastfeeding and wish to continue to do so even when they are working. Breastmilk is undoubtedly the most important food for infants below six months. When I had my first baby five years ago, I did not know I could continue to breastfeed my child even I was away for work. It was only last year after I had my second child that I came to know about express breastfeeding. When I resumed my work after two months, I practiced express breastfeeding till six months. Though, it was obviously challenging and difficult. However, it helped me battle my ‘guilt’ over leaving my child so early for work.

The second challenge is finding the right caretaker for the infants. Most of the so called ‘child care centers’ only take children below eighteen months. Even if few do, their credibility and quality is doubtable. Many new mothers I know hire a live in household worker, which has its own challenges and complications. Many of us truly take advantage of our mothers and mothers in law’s ‘housewife status’ which brings range of different conflicting demands and situations. One of my friend use to commute every day to and fro Kirtipur to Baneshwor to leave her infant daughter to her mother and then commute back to her office in New road. I have often heard my friends concerns over the differences they have had with their mothers and mothers in law on methods and practices of caring infants. One of my friends always worried about her mother-in-law’s inability to feed her infant daughter properly.

The third challenge for working mother is inhospitable working environment which fails to understand the fact that women, especially new mothers have duty and responsibility beyond office hours. Many of my friends who work in banking sectors face greater challenges to manage their motherhood due to long working hours, often more than 11 hours a day. It is perhaps due to this culture that new mothers feel so guilty every time they pick up a phone to ring for absence due to sudden illness of an infant who needs immediate medical attention. Women often have doubts over their mothering skills when infants fall sick, which may happen often enough. So frequent absences also poses a danger of being tagged as incompetent and unprofessional.

Mothers who are especially working in areas which demand lot of extra office hours constantly battle their feeling of ‘not being good mother’. In our society, the ideology of intensive motherhood is very much strong. Most of us believe that mothers are the best caretaker of her children, which is undoubtedly true in most situations. So, in times of pressing deadlines, mandatory meetings and extra office hours, we tend to feel guilty when we are not there when our children need us most. The feeling hits hard especially when your kids are not feeling well. Sometimes we are not able to attend functions and celebrations at school and among relatives. And when our kids ask ‘why you were not there mama, so and so’s mothers were there’. Then at that time, we just wish that we were not so career oriented.

So, managing motherhood and career is challenging yet very rewarding too. After all, our present determines our children’s future. So, we need to battle off our guilt by understanding that the ‘quality time’ we spend with our children is far more important than the quantity of the time. We need to seek support from our husband, relatives and neighbors. We should always be aware about our limitations so that we do not take career decisions that are impossible for us to manage along with our motherhood.

Most important of all, we need to increase our skill in multitasking. I am writing all this while my little one (11months) is attempting to slam his fist over the laptop and lo! Just now a peculiar yet very familiar smell hit my nostrils. So, I better end this article here. Hope you understand!