Is motherhood a choice for Nepali women?

For Nepali women, motherhood is both a source of agency and subjugation. It is a source of agency because as it is only through status of a mother, specially that of son, a Nepali women can enjoy a higher status in her family and society. I am speaking from vantage point of middle class upper caste women like myself, based on my personal experience and observations. This may not be true for every other Nepali women.

How far Nepali women have a choice when to become mothers or be mothers at all? There is very little choice. It is because motherhood is so much seen as an ultimate fulfillment of femininity. Every women is somehow considered a natural mother. It is regarded as an ultimate goal for every woman. Looking at motherhood as an individual like myself, it is full of contradictions. The first contradiction on general belief of motherhood is that it is natural. It is regarded that every woman when given birth to child, acquires the art and craft of motherhood. However, motherhood is learnt by social behavior, norms, values and also the generational knowledge handed over by previous generation. Reflecting on my own journey towards motherhood I see that it is a life long course which I have partly learnt through my mother's lessons, friends counsel, neighbour's heresay, mass-media, literature and to some extent my own lived and embodied experience. Thus, I claim that I am not a natural mother, I have learnt to become a mother.

Another contradictions which I have faced constantly due to my life choices is belief in 'intensive motherhood'. Intensive motherhood ideology preaches that only mothers are the best persons to look after their children. It believes that mothers should be available to children all the time especially in their early years. The lack of that will consequently lead to serious psychological effects on child. This is a sensitive topic for me to dwell on. My decision to come to Melbourne for further studies led me to leave my 18 months old son in my parent's care. Several times, I have been branded as 'over ambitious' and 'career oriented' and sometimes even cruel. I was caught in between my ambition and motherhood. I knew that opportunity does not knock the door twice. I was in crossroads of my career which was again mediated by my motherhood. After I became mother, I chose to work only when I could. Thus, I saw myself being stagnant in my career for couple of years. Thus, I either had to choose this or be prepared to be stagnant for some other years to come.

Another big factor in motherhood of Nepali women is son vs daughter debate. Recently I had got hold of Chinese calendar which gives a list of best year and month to conceive daughter or son. Some of my friends had used it and become successful to bear son, they never tried it for a daughter. I sometimes hear that ' It is women themselves who want to bear son'. I say, they do because we have to look at how women with daughters only are treated. I remember one of my friend whose first born was daughter. Her husband was only son in the family. She was afraid that her husband will be marrying another woman if she does not bear him son. That is why, Nepali women, even so called educated career oriented women sometimes opt to have a son rather than daughter. However, there is some other debate going on which argues that ' daughter are much better than son, as son leave their home anyway these days' . One of the main reason for son preference in Nepal is our tendency to see them as our insurance for old days. The present trend shows that this belief is gradually crumbling down. I wish that Nepal abolishes its heir system in which only sons can inherit parental property. It is an irony that parents work hard to earn property which ultimately passes over to their sons. It will take a long time when ultimately Nepal could have a will system of inheritance.

Thus, there is a long way to go for Nepali women in having agency in their motherhood. It is still debated whether one needs to become mother at all to be fulfilled. There are women like Mother Teresa who choose to remain barren but became mother of millions of improvised children. It is

Maoist women's future

Everybody has a opinion about what is happening in Nepal and why. It is such a complex issue to argue and talk about. Thus, I do not have any distinct opinion or argument in it. At this time, I am thinking about my participants and their future. I interviewed 10 Maoist women about their motherhood experiences. Most of them were in cantonment. They were engaged in 'people's war' in several ways ranging from issues of domestic violence to ideological commitments towards class less society. I see Maoist women's integration in Nepali society most problematic of all. They have defied the social norms and codes of Nepali society by being engaged in armed struggle. Contrary to men, who have always been seen as warriors and dissents in Nepali political history. What will happen to these women? Would they go back to carrying arms again? What about their children, will they turn into another generation of rebels? Will these women women be ever accepted as wives, dauthers and dauthers-in-law in our society?

Poem is just about anything. I saw one lady crying in WIRE office, I don't know the reason. I could not find out. But still, I find the idea fascinating that she after all came to the right place, where she will be listened to. Sometimes, women need a space to cry, just to cry and cry.

Life is a pain

at times

things go wrong

Problems pile up

one after another

One disaster complements another

I cannot bear it anymore

I cannot hide it anymore

I cannot ignore it anymore

I need someone to talk to

But I was alone

No one to ask

No one to talk to

I wish I had

just someone to hold on

Someone just to listen to me

While I cry

Someone to hand over the

tissue

and say' I know'

'I understand'

'I know what you feel'

But where is this person

Who would listen to me

even without knowing me

Without judging

Without prejudice

Then walking over

to get coffee

in lonsdale street

Busy street of melbourne

I just entered into WIRE

Someone asked me there

'How are you'

That caring voice

opened the flood within me

I cried

I cried

and I cried even more

I had reached the right place

to be listened

not to be helped

to enable me to 'help myself'

Suddenly, this came over me, while writing my data when my participants discuss about their labour pain. I was astounded by the fact that how reluctant Nepali women are to admit how hard it is to give birth and face labour pain. It is because I argue that we are always taught to embrace pain. As one of my participant says, ' you have to accept pain, you are a woman'. Hence here is a poem, or rather a ranting about pain!!

It is a pain

to be a womanand

yet to pretend that

there is no pain

Every month

for four days

Pain comes in different forms

impurity

untouchability

It seems

women are saddled by whole world of pain

Women, are said

to be lucky to be able to give birth

Some women, on pretentious voice

say, 'it is wonderful'

to be pregnant

to have labour pain

to give birth

But we never admit

It is pain,

To carry a bulk within you

being responsible for it always

because 'child always comes first'

Hundreds of 'ante natal' classes

yoga

breathing exercises

would never prepare you to face

pain during labour

However it is lessened

when you join the chorus

of other women who are crying with pain

In hospital room

Where it is ignored

Shouted at

Suppressed

Bullied

But we cry from pain nonetheless

We form sudden empathy and support

Us, who chose to

And who did not chose to

somehow are united

with this pain

that we carry with us.

It is pain all over

that happens in our body

That happens within us

and around us

It is pain in raw level

And yet, we need to embrace this pain

Understand it

Accept it

That way, it becomes

Part of us

Then, it is no more alien

No more different

Difficult but yet acceptable

Motherhood: Academic and Personal

I have always believed 'personal is political', being a feminist. But taking that to next level, I am now experiencing 'personal is academic'. While mulling over research topic for my master's theses, the topic of motherhood appealed so much to me because I was a mother and I was facing difficulty in coming terms with it, because in a way when I decided to go ahead with further studies, I left my son. I was 'imperfect mother', 'selfish', 'career oriented'. But still, I craved for my son, I wanted to be with him but yet I knew within that i need to pursue my dreams.

That is why, I was searching for topic relating to 'difficult motherhood' like myself. Then, I came across some articles relating to Maoist women being mothers. I was immensely interested how these women experienced motherhood. They were not conventional mothers, the epitome of love and care. These women, who were combatants often went to the battlefield carrying their babies. How did they do it, how did they feel about it. I wanted to explore. It was one important way for me to make sense of my own feelings towards motherhood.

I did 10 in-depth interviews with Maoist mothers and now I am analyzing my data. I feel that I feel so closer to myself when I am working on this topic. I feel comfortable. Something rings true when these women speak to me about their experiences of leaving their children with their relatives, sometimes even strangers to ensure the safety of their child. I am still figuring out, how they see themselves as mothers. Do they face the mental battle of 'am I a good/bad mother' as most women do. How does the social beliefs about Nepali motherhood impact upon their thinking? How does the Maoist party's discourses and propoganda shape their thinking and practices of their motherhood. Well, I am going on, moving on.....................

Women's Room in Monash
It is a space,
created for women
by women!

sometimes sought in solitude
sometimes found in group
sometimes, just when we are doing nothing
sometimes, when we are doing something

sometimes, just to be there, to lie down
to read,
to write,
to paint,
to sing!
or sometimes, just do nothing
but to be there!!

I am regular visitor of women's room in monash campus centre, a space, created by women just women. But everytime I went there, I was there, myself all alone, and I kind of liked that in a way. I would lie down, pick up a feminist book and just read for pleasure to read. Other day, when struck with mensutral cramp or lousy headache, it was the only place in monash i could lie down without being embarrased for being spotted by someone.

Today, Steph had organized the morning tea discussions about violence against women. It was so interesting to talk about issues of violence against women in Nepal. In the beginning, I felt, oh! how am I going to connect with so many different women with so many different views, will I be listened to? Will I listen to them. Then, gradually, we started discussing and the meeting finally escalated to interesting phase with an arrival of a wonderful friend from singapore,who shared her life story, with so much wisdom, wit and humour. We were bonded together. I wish to continue to go there, to this cozy space again!

Need to write everyday hehehe!!!

well, after reading over lots of nepali women's blog. I thought I need to do something, it means reguarly to join the community..........

After all, what else do I do except writing and reading whole whole day, living in a hole called Monash Research Graduate School. Trying to devise theories, trying to find out loopholes to criticized and bending and stretching scholar's writing to fit my research interest.

I could endlessly babble about research culture in western academia...........hahaha

I need to meet my supervisor in twenty minutes, better brase up myself for whatever it comes..........hehehe!

will write again, but wonder if anything interesting or creative comes up!!!

Nepal and its ethnic politics

I am not anyhow a specialist in this issue. I am more aware about this tag of 'specialist' after being exposed to western academic environment. One cannot simply put forward any opinions or arguments, in the area that you are not specialized it. But still, I just want to write what I am feeling about Nepal's gradual turn in ethnic politics.

This issue has fuelled my mind, when suddenly I heard the news of formation of 'Newa Army'.. Indeed, Nepal is now secular country, but contrary to that, government declared that it will not support any religious festival. It fuelled protests and thus, Newars have declared Newa Army. This shows the government's insensitivity towards culture and tradition.

Though I am vegetarian, I despise Nepali governments announcement to ban 'animal sacrifice'. What it should have done was raise awareness about ills of animal sacrifice. Simply putting ban on animal sacrifice will interfere with various cultural group's age long tradition...........

Well, well, in personal front, nothing new is happening these days. Just waiting desperately to my ethics application be approved and hopefully candidature review will not pose any serious problem. which reminds me of course, to GET BACK TO WORK