Is motherhood a choice for Nepali women?

For Nepali women, motherhood is both a source of agency and subjugation. It is a source of agency because as it is only through status of a mother, specially that of son, a Nepali women can enjoy a higher status in her family and society. I am speaking from vantage point of middle class upper caste women like myself, based on my personal experience and observations. This may not be true for every other Nepali women.

How far Nepali women have a choice when to become mothers or be mothers at all? There is very little choice. It is because motherhood is so much seen as an ultimate fulfillment of femininity. Every women is somehow considered a natural mother. It is regarded as an ultimate goal for every woman. Looking at motherhood as an individual like myself, it is full of contradictions. The first contradiction on general belief of motherhood is that it is natural. It is regarded that every woman when given birth to child, acquires the art and craft of motherhood. However, motherhood is learnt by social behavior, norms, values and also the generational knowledge handed over by previous generation. Reflecting on my own journey towards motherhood I see that it is a life long course which I have partly learnt through my mother's lessons, friends counsel, neighbour's heresay, mass-media, literature and to some extent my own lived and embodied experience. Thus, I claim that I am not a natural mother, I have learnt to become a mother.

Another contradictions which I have faced constantly due to my life choices is belief in 'intensive motherhood'. Intensive motherhood ideology preaches that only mothers are the best persons to look after their children. It believes that mothers should be available to children all the time especially in their early years. The lack of that will consequently lead to serious psychological effects on child. This is a sensitive topic for me to dwell on. My decision to come to Melbourne for further studies led me to leave my 18 months old son in my parent's care. Several times, I have been branded as 'over ambitious' and 'career oriented' and sometimes even cruel. I was caught in between my ambition and motherhood. I knew that opportunity does not knock the door twice. I was in crossroads of my career which was again mediated by my motherhood. After I became mother, I chose to work only when I could. Thus, I saw myself being stagnant in my career for couple of years. Thus, I either had to choose this or be prepared to be stagnant for some other years to come.

Another big factor in motherhood of Nepali women is son vs daughter debate. Recently I had got hold of Chinese calendar which gives a list of best year and month to conceive daughter or son. Some of my friends had used it and become successful to bear son, they never tried it for a daughter. I sometimes hear that ' It is women themselves who want to bear son'. I say, they do because we have to look at how women with daughters only are treated. I remember one of my friend whose first born was daughter. Her husband was only son in the family. She was afraid that her husband will be marrying another woman if she does not bear him son. That is why, Nepali women, even so called educated career oriented women sometimes opt to have a son rather than daughter. However, there is some other debate going on which argues that ' daughter are much better than son, as son leave their home anyway these days' . One of the main reason for son preference in Nepal is our tendency to see them as our insurance for old days. The present trend shows that this belief is gradually crumbling down. I wish that Nepal abolishes its heir system in which only sons can inherit parental property. It is an irony that parents work hard to earn property which ultimately passes over to their sons. It will take a long time when ultimately Nepal could have a will system of inheritance.

Thus, there is a long way to go for Nepali women in having agency in their motherhood. It is still debated whether one needs to become mother at all to be fulfilled. There are women like Mother Teresa who choose to remain barren but became mother of millions of improvised children. It is

Maoist women's future

Everybody has a opinion about what is happening in Nepal and why. It is such a complex issue to argue and talk about. Thus, I do not have any distinct opinion or argument in it. At this time, I am thinking about my participants and their future. I interviewed 10 Maoist women about their motherhood experiences. Most of them were in cantonment. They were engaged in 'people's war' in several ways ranging from issues of domestic violence to ideological commitments towards class less society. I see Maoist women's integration in Nepali society most problematic of all. They have defied the social norms and codes of Nepali society by being engaged in armed struggle. Contrary to men, who have always been seen as warriors and dissents in Nepali political history. What will happen to these women? Would they go back to carrying arms again? What about their children, will they turn into another generation of rebels? Will these women women be ever accepted as wives, dauthers and dauthers-in-law in our society?

The most patient supervisor in the world

I am lucky. I am writing a thesis, which is as complicated as I am, which is as unpredictable as I am. but I have a very patient supervisor, who undertands 'high' and 'low' of research cycle. She encourages me everytime and reassures me that I am doing a great job. It is her sole faith in me that keeps me going and writing. AS the submission date is looming near, I find myself cringing with fear. 3 months left whew, three months left to submit, three months left to pack, three months left to be back home, to my kathmandu, to my nepal, to my parents.

Msytery Vs Reality

When one needs something big to do

but with very little to start with

To build a house of ideas

how to gather these small thoughts

together in a coherent way?

in structured arguments

thoughtful paragraphs

well written sentences!

I can't see piece by piece

I see things in whole

A full image

at back of my mind

scares me

what if

what i am writing

doesn't turn true to my

imagined 'image'

But still,

i must move on

tackle one step at a time

a long length of stairs

which are not ascending

but that moves ahead

with lots of bumps and holes

And there are no short cuts

We will arrive best

If we take the longer way

Harder way

They say, 'it pays most'

but How?

Still in this muddle of confusion

Still hanging around

Hovering somewhere in between

Cloud of realities!

I hope I could get back to

Mystery

A stage,

Where I wouldn't know

Where I am going

How

Why

All the suspense

Breaking down

at that final point

That anticipation

That excitement

Its not here at all