To Soham on your Fifth Birthday

Dear Daarling Soham

 

It sounds funny when I write your name. I hardly use your name. It is just used when I need to talk about you with other people. Between you, me, dada, buwa, grandma and grandpa, we have whole sets of names for you. And new terms keeps on adding up. Why do we need to name you in so many different ways. Because, you are like that. It is so hard to label you. You are a whirlwind that came in our life and made everything so exciting and uncertain. With you around, I never know what is coming next. What new thing you are going to say. What knew "trouble" you are going to create. You are one whole package deal. I cannot choose and select. You come with riddle package of cuteness and "trouble". Each time the proportion is different. They come in different combination.

 

And dear, its your birthday. Not today, but day before yesterday. And this birthday somehow turned out to be quiet. I could not make any noise. You were not well. So, we did not celebrate. Because with you around, nothing is ever going to quiet, calm and serene. This year has been difficult for you. So many different transitions in your life. First, mother went off to Australia, which I suspect you did not mind much. As Buwa, Dada, hajurbuwa and hajurama was around. Then, we had Skype. And you were quiet frustrated with it. You were angry with Skype because it did not allow Ama to send you Pasta, Pizza and all those yummy dishes Ama used to cook for you. Then, came the earthquake. Toppled everything down. Ama came home. You told me all your stories and shared in whimpered voices many of the mischiefs that you did while I was away. I am yet to hear some more.

 

Then, you me and dada came to Australia. You joined with your own enthusiasm. The first condition for you to come to Australia was that you will be able to dig here. But cold winter is not allowing you to do much. Since you just became so sick with cold, Ama needs to be careful about your digging. And I know you are not happy with me about that. I can't wait for warm and sunny spring to come soon when you can dig non stop.

 

You are struggling with everything now. You are not so happy that you have to wait another six months to go to Prep class in same school as dada. You get frustrated with Ama when she does not understand your logic that you will be such a good and quiet boy. " You can study with me", you say. Ama is convinced of course. Of course, I can study. It is just that, I want to, I wish to, I have to study you when I am with you. I rather feel like snuggling with you, hugging you non-stop and cuddling you all the time.

 

 

Happy fifth birthday Soham. Lets celebrate it when you are better in our own style. I have an idea how it is going to go like. You will insist on mixing the cake yourself. In the process, it is likely that the whole pot of cake could topple down from the kitchen counter. And knowing that in advance, I may probably have an extra cake mix available in cupboard. While, I just manage to put that cake in Oven and just when the timer is about to go off, you may curiously disappear somewhere quietly for a while. And I will have a minor panic attack. Right there and then, in some part of the house, you will be doing something mischievous and when I catch you, you will have that " Sorry Ama" look with a grin in your face. I just hope that all the while this is happening, the cake will not be burnt in Oven. Because I am pretty sure, I will neither have another packet of cake mix nor the energy to bake a new one.  But, but.................................................life is so full of surprises with you dear, and I like it just the way it is. Just a wish that these surprises come in smaller doses.

For you on your ninth birthday

My Dear Shubham

Today is your ninth birthday. I am writing this blog exactly at 6 am in a small apartment near Monash University, Melbourne. This is a miracle as I never expected this to happen. I thought on this day, you will be in Nepal with your brother, Buwa and Hajurbuwa Hajurama while I will wish from you here in Melbourne just counting my days until I can hug you again. This miracle happened as we all went through the most horrible experience in our lives.

On 25th of April, as you have told me several times, exactly at the time, you and bhai were carefree children who had never experienced such terror. As usual, you were playing on the top floor of our three storey house. Then, the ground began to shake. From your own eyes you saw the big brick wall falling down. In this moment of terror, you held Soham and tried your best to comfort him. You called Buwa, who was trying equally hard to come towards you but could not. The shock of this moment is deep in your heart.

Ama nearly died right on spot when she could not contact you all for more than 5 hours. I You and Bhai can't both stop talking about earthquake. You both have seen and heard thousands of people dying because of this earthquake. Your Ama would have never imagined in her life that she would dare to look after you all by herself ever in her life. But after this worst tragedy, I feel I can face any difficulty in my life just to have you both  beside me.

Buwa is still back home in Nepal with Hajurbuwa and Hajurama. And in his absence, you seem to have grown up even more. When I feel tired, you look at me with comforting eyes and ask me to "take it easy". You try your best to comfort, contain, entertain your Bhai whose other name is "trouble". You love him so much. But sometimes, you crave for a friend and an understanding which he has not yet developed. Just give him a time. He is a kid who is just beginning to understand grown up's world and ways. His world is still jumbled. Besides, he recently had a biggest change in his life. His first flight itself was more than 20 hours long and he had been fearful about too many things. You and I in Australia are the only source of faith and happiness for him. Lets continue to stay strong and together and help him understand why we are here.

On this day today, I do not have much to tell you my dear Chora. You like philosopher sometimes have begun to tell me what this life is all about. And that is my concern. Though, it helps Ama very much that you behave and think like a adult. It definitely helps specially when Ama needs all the understanding and help she can get to look after your "hyperactive" Bhai. But please do not forget that you are just a child after all. You are just 9 years old. You have enough time later to think and behave like adult. And let me tell you, even a adult like me gets tired of being adult. I myself wish I was a child again. Being a child is about forgiving and forgetting. It is about asking lots of questions. It is about always being curious. It is about always wondering. It is about being happy without reason. On your ninth birthday, which came at very difficult time in our country, I just wish that may you be healed of your pain and trauma. This pain and Trauma made both you and Bhai so severely ill that Ama left everything and came back from Australia just to be with you. Ama wishes to make you trust the nature again and to understand how it works. I also hope dear Chora that you start thinking about other less fortunate people who have been not so lucky on this earthquake. They have lost their near and dear ones, they have lost their home, they have lost everything that they have. Dear Chora, can we do something about this, even though something small. Something little what we can. You were so inspired when I showed you the picture of little boy named Sam who sold Origami for 1 $ to raise funds for earthquake victims. And you thought may be you could do same. On this birthday let me tell you a secret. Dear Shubham, you are different, you are unique like every child born in this world. No child is same, they all are special. You are special one too. So, can you think what different think you can do? Let me know when you decide and I will help you to make it possible. And yes, lets not forget Soham on this team work. Though he punches you and scratches you "out of the blue", he loves you too much. And I hope you know that.

Sydney Extravaganza : tales of friendship, food, memories, relationships and non stop GUFF

Most of my facebook friends already know of course that I was in Sydney during my Easter Break.  During  Sydney visit, I apparently turned into narcisistic woman who is too keen to plaster photoes of people and places she visted. People have their own reasons for posting photo. I have my own. I am basically a visual person. I take photoes not necessarily to show off but to create momentoes of the experiences I had. I take odd pictures of people and places rather than standard postcard and studio ones of boring formal postures. I like to see things on move. Through my photoes, I want to show what really was going on rather than present some edited version of emotions and the feel of the places. I like messy, out of focus, out of scope, entangled and not so nice photoes. Because that's what real life is like. It is always not neat and fine

 

My major reason for visit to Sydney was undisputably to visit my dear old friend Radhika, who recently become mother of twins ( a boy and a girl). Isn't that a blessing? First few words about my dearest Radhika. I met her in PK campus where we both pursued our Bachelor Degree. I was a in awkward identity of born in village, grown up in Kathmandu. I used to see lot of seperation in terms of friendships between girl based on their origin. Girls grown up in kathmandu naturally were drawn to girls with similar background. While girls from village had their own sense of value and tended to bond with each other. I do not mean to belittle my bunch of friends from Kathmandu but I saw a lot of fighting spirit, sense of struggle from girls coming from village. They were ambitious, driven and were not put off by struggles of life. Whereas, there are some exceptions, many girls of kathmandu I found with little ambition, dreams and visions about future. These are crude generalizations, there are exceptions but I must be honest here. Me and Radhika were part of larger group who were keen to be writers and pursue Journalism. I was drawn by her outspokenness, bold behaviour and very friendly attitude. Over the years, among the very few friends from college, we both remained in touch with each other. Often in friendships, people get caught up in life and forget their friends. Radhika has stood behind me in one of my strongest trials of life. She was my counsellor. She was my confidant and she knows "who I really am" but she did not judge me because of that. Sometimes, my friends complain that I have not been in touch with them, I feel like asking " how about you being in touch with me". Friendship is two way lane. It is mutual. If I care about you and you also care about me, that's how our friendship revives, lives and enters into new phase in our life. Radhika is one of those rarest friends who never let me feel that changes in our lives need to change our friendship. With so much achievements and skills in her sleeve, I never felt she has changed. She has evolved though with her life lessons, with the phases of her life, but that is different. We both haven't changed in terms of being friends with each other.

 

The twins were born soon after I arrived in Australia and I was caught up on my own study commitments before I could make a visit. Finally, Easter break was a perfect time. I researched possible options to visit sydney. Air travel was obviously cheaper but needed to be booked ahead of time. I could have spent great deal of time and found out cheap ticket. But being a person, who is after a different "experience", I decided a crazier option: 10 hours journey on the train. I packed my bags ahead of time and went to Monash early morning at 9 dragging my suitcase, where I was a first presenter presenting my research proposal. After a quick dashing visit to Monash souveneir shop for last minute gifts and much needed Sleeping Pillow for the journey, I was ready to head off to Southern Cross.

 

I got on the train, right time after hefty dinner of vegetarian noodle, which was way too yummy. I was seated next to chinese origin lady who was travelling to Sydney to see her sister. We talked about weather of melbourne and sydney and that was it. I remember telling Ifti and Monimalika , as a justification for choosing 10 hour ride on train " I will just talk to person next to me". I remember their funny faces.  But really, I was too tired to talk, all I wanted was to make best use of newly bought pillow. Journey was preety normal with interruptions of people coming and going, children crying and settling down. I had taken train on 7.50 in melbourne on evening. I reached Sydney next morning at 6.52. Not bad. Not bad at all.

 

After I reached, I called Radhika with my near dead mobile phone to conform which train I should be taking. She came to receive me along with Era on Penhurst Stration, nice Sydney suburb the family was living on. As I was about to enter the door, Era showed me the welcome sign she had made specially for me. Era is my friend's elder daughter who is just nine but I was so impressed by her creativity. On Friday that I arrived, Era also showed me a beautiful powerpoint that she had made about me, putting my usual facebook profile picture of "Modern Mom". I was lulled by the feel of home by Nepali daal bhat tarkari, Nepali soap operas running on television. That reminds me to tell you a bit about some of the parenting values I learnt from my friend Radhika.

 

Radhika has strong awareness about making her children independent at the same time making them feel that they can come to her if they cannot do things on her own. It is due to her and Bhinaju's parenting skills that elder daughter Era can do so many things to help her parents around. Her skills have become so important at this current time when twins are just 3 months and her other sister Erica is just 28 months or so. Era can cook breakfast, knows how to clean up, she can take care of twins very well under supervision of her parents of course. But of course, she is just a kid herself and there are times when she wishes to be one rather than the regular " Thulodidi". Radhika is patient with her when she does that. I have met many Nepali families living abroad. Often I have seen children forgetting their language, which is natural but I think there are few things that one can do to address it.

 

Radhika confidently says that, children will learn English outside in schools, television anyway. So, her primary form of communication to her children is by Nepali. Bhinaju and Radhika and other family members also talk in Nepali most of the time. That is why, Era speaks perfect Nepali and understands it very well. She is very popular in Nepali community by regularly performing Nepali dances in different events organized by Nepali community. She also carries out several carricatures. Of them, her immitation of Sushil Koirala is hilarious.

 

On second day of my visit to Sydney, I visited the most amazing couple. Both of these young love birds who met over facebook are in Sydney now. I too knew them via facebook during online discussion. There are some people I feel close to based on our mutual interest in books and writing, even though we have never met each other in life. Ushma and Kumar are amazing couple and their love story have always fascinated me. Radhika dropped me off to their place in Rockdale and Kumar came to receive me downstairs. Ushma and Kumar had prepared Sumptous feast of momo and there was glass of wine beside. A perfect lunch. Then, came the awkward part, "what momo is it", I asked. Ushma and Kumar. They replied in unison "chicken" with jest. I wondered, what should I do. Here are two amazing people who have worked so hard in preparing the meal, that I do not eat. Then, I said sheepishly. " I am sorry, perhaps , I should write in my bio in facebook that I am vegetarian". Then, in a matter of 20 minutes, I saw this warmhearted couple creating a vegetarian meal with so much ease. Ushma discreetly boiled potatoes on microwave, while Kumar was chopping off onions and tomotoes all the while I was doing yak yak. Curry of Masyoura was boiling hot on hot plate and lo! a sumptous vegetarian feast was ready. Ushma and Kumar may tell their own love story someday on their own words, they deserve to. I do not want to spoil the fun here by writing about it.  But one thing I would say about their love story is love happens through most unlikely medium. Love chooses path of its own. One just should be ready for it to happen, whenever it wants to happen.

 

Next day, Kangaroo valley trip with Radhika and family, Rishi dai and family and friends was most memorable. The drive to valley was most amazing. It was great sight to watch men at barbeque rigorously working while women served other delicacies and chatted non stop. It was amazing day.

 

Next day, Monday, what did I do? I met with my student Bisha. I taught her since grade 1 to 5. I remember her and her sister  Bibisha both were quiet children and never gave me trouble. For me, I entered with teaching profession, though barely a teenger myself with one basic understanding about children. Children's natural impulse is to make noise, create trouble, do mischief. Thus, my classrooms were never quiet and I seldom tried to quiet them down. Sometimes I had to. But I remember we had so much fun together. My idea of teaching was mainly through motivation, creative writing and verbal expression. I shared coffee with Bisha and we had amazing time catching up with memories of HVP. She told me something that every teacher wants to hear " you are a wonderful teacher". And it takes a wonderful student to say that to teacher. Only a student who recognizes the value of knowledge and hard work will say that to teacher. Many students may walk past you in street, without even bothering to say hello. Some tend to avoid. Some carry their own life baggages and do not wish to be reminded how they were like in children. Regardless of where and who my students have been, I will always love them. I hope I have never made them feel that I favourated only few and did not like others. I hope I was able to pay equal attention and love towards all of them.

 

Tuesday I had some crazy and whirlwind time with my colleague cum friend Mille and her twin sister Julie. Our crazy pictures will speak volumes than what I can write about our time together. We did some shopping, some eating, some posing and loads of talking in between. I was looking forward to see her since long and I was happy that I was able to make that.

 

On Wednesday, my lifelong friend ( they do exist you know) Hajuri's brother Raju and his wife Dipika took it upon themselves to make sure that I actually visit sydney and do a real photo session. Before I talk about that, few words about my notion of best friends. I do have best friends, but I do believe on having more best friends. Each of these friends, some male and female have come at point in my life and played an important role in my life. I see my friends not as who they are but what we mean to each other. My friends Laxmi and Hajuri are such life forces that are close to my heart. So, Raju and Dipika took me to Taronga Zoo and did my photo session with really fancy camera sent by Sajan whom we missed so much. In evening, they cooked amazing Newari Bhoj with Alu tama, bara and kankro ko achar, that Maja Agaya. Next morning, Raju cooked Gwalamari and Chiya, our favourate childhood snack. Raju is just amazing human being and god belss Raju and Dipika's married life.

 

Now, thursday. Thursday was a day for whirlwind visit. First I went to visit Jayanti with whom I studied together in school in Pendal Hill. We quickly caught up some memories, shared our mothering dillemas before I head off to Wyndall Station to meet Deewa with whom I had come to Australia Leadership Awards Scholarship. With chocolatey coffee and piece of chocolate in front of us, we evaluated our life goals and plans and shared news of how our other friends are doing. After bidding goodbye to her, I did some jewellery shopping and dashed off to meet sister Sujata Tamang who recently started her PhD just like me. We had some crazy photoshoot in front of china town and non stop guff along with amazing chinese noodle soup.

 

I came back  home and announced to Era, Erica and Radhika that I have something for them. I excitedly opened my bag, while they waited in anticipation. MY GOODNESS ME!, I had done it again. I have a history of leaving souveneirs ( my personal belonging in every place I visit), it happens most of the time. Raja often jokes me about it. And that has made me over cautious not to leave things so that he do not get luxury of joking about me. Now, what to do. It was couple of bucks worth but what I bought was more valuable than money itself. But what was I supposed to do except forget about it. "May someone who took it, rot in hell", I thought.

 

Last day to leave Radhika's house, friday. In morning Binayak and Manju came for a visit. I realized that it was first time that I had someone that I was related in Australia.It was amazing feeling of power and connectedness. Though, I strongly beleive that family is not enough just to belong by blood unless one really builds intimacy, but some relationship of blood are stronger. Binayak's family means much to all of us and we have remained strong despite all trials.

 

In afternoon, it was time to leave Radhika's home and then I realized I did not want to go. It is selfish but I knew I will miss twins terribly and children first and then my friend Radhika. But the reason I love children is because they are HER children. Specially for a woman who does not have a daughter, being with Era, Erica and Kristy was most amazing time of my life. I even joked whether Radhika will give me one of her daughters. She joked. " yes, take them, take them, return them when they grow up". I knew this was just a joke. Radhika and Era said goodbye in proper Nepali way: with light, flowers and red tika. Radhika dropped me off to Hurstville, from where I took train to Sydney Central.

 

Plan was to meet Amina, who is in her final stage of finishing her dissertation. Though, I wish to call her everyday and talk with her about my whimsical updates and stages, I refrain from doing so as I know she is in toughest time. But the way she is doing is remarkable. She has been through a lot in her life and I respect so much for coming this far and remaining committed on doing what she is doing. She had offered her room and board for one night on my last day on the Sydney. And I was like " Best comes at Last". Amina is a very kind person. She understands the frustations of not knowing and she patiently explains what she thinks "from her experience". She has opinion about everything, literally everything. But these opinions have strong justifications. They come from somewhere, and it is even more interesting to hear about the process of formation of her opinions.

 

But before I met her, something amazing and something shattering happened in a difference of two minutes. I came out of train and was looking here and there to figure out the exit towards UTS, Amina's Alma Mater. Then, a middle aged white man came and said " you look lost". Yes, I said and asked for direction to UTS, which he gave in a very easy manner. This was a unique experience in itself as I find it rare in metropolitan city like Sydney for people making initiation to offer help. Right then, I talked with Amina and she gave me further clear directions. I was on my way. Right then, my brand new bright blue beautiful scarf ( gifted by Radhika and Era ( her choice, I am sure) got stuck on my suitcase. Then, a midle aged bearded man came towards me and said " you seem to be doing too many things". Obviously, I was. I was talking on my phone. My scarf was stuck in suitcase and I was carrying three bags, could it get any worse?. I just said "yes", taking it lightly. Perhaps, he took me as a single woman who had just landed to Australia, who do not know anything about it. Then, he started to go on pointing red Tika on my forehead " you know what, you are not supposed to wear these kinds of thngs in Australia, when you come here, you really should follow tradition of Australia". I found his words very offensive. I have done nothing to provoke him. Then, I took matters to my hand, turned in his directions facing his eye and said that " I am minding my own business, you have no right to say these things to me". Then , he started yelling little bit louder but I told him " stop it, you are discriminating me". I walked ahead of me and I saw railway officers in uniform. With my body language ( by looking ahead at officers and again looking back at him couple of times gave a message that if he turns nasy, I will report him. Then, I could see him walking in real slow pace and in few seconds I could not see him anymore.

 

I went out and met Amina who had come almost near the station exist to get me. Told her all this in one breath and it was releif to share with her and Radhika afterwards. Amina these days has to attend too many submission parties. There was one at the pub of UTS university. We congratulated the happy man and started chatting with each other. There, I met amazing interesting friend Catherine we were talking non stop about motherhood, choices and relationships. I am glad that I shared with her about my left bag in china town. She told me, " you should actually go, chances are that they might have kept the bag for you". Coming from chinese heritage herself, she had strong conviction on honesty of chinese people. So, Amina and I ran around like a Sherlock homes and Dr. Watson ( Amina is Sherlock by the way) and finally discovered the bag. And I was like, wait till I call Raja home bragging that " This time in Sydney, I had left nothing anywhere, everything is with me". Euphoria lasted probably for an hour when Radhika called me with news " you have left your newly bought sleeping pillow with us". HAHAHAHAA, can life be this tedious? However, its good to know that I am visiting Sydney anyway, not soon may be but in between these 4 years of PhD, to collect that Sleeping pillow just to leave something else again. 

 

In the beginning, Amina was like "where can I take you, do you want to visit this and that". And I said, lets not do touristy things. Lets just take a long walk, share a nice meal and just chat non stop. I warned her that she may not get to sleep that night. She rather looked cute her on her black jacket and long black umbrella. We walked nearly for an hour, talking about our kids, sharing our professional and academic expeirences. We ate and drank in between. Then, we came to our room just for another long long chat. Though, I wanted to go on, but both of us were tired and we dozed off to wake up in no time to catch my early morning train. She came all the way to my train seat and said goodbye. Where I bumped into Anupji and his family who were also returning from their Sydney trip.

 

Folks, another long post could come just to talk about my 10 hour long journey, but that would be too much for today. I should just say goodbye and start reading and writing and I realize I am too exhausted by now. Your lovely feedback and comments will be highly appreciated.

First day of Soham's One month holiday. Excited and anxious about how my life will be in by the time he rejoins his school.
1. He woke up at 7 and slammed his door. Had to coax and plead him to come out.
2. His majesty came out and then while drinking water, i had to think quickly what i should do to make him drink water. shall I dance, sing or tell a joke. Then, his grandma and Ma closed their eyes while he showed his empty glass
3. Then, break fast time. A glass of milk and chocos. The idea was to coax him to build up superman/salman khan muscle. Than god, i did not have to sing or dance. beside, I had less time to prepare Shubham's tiffin
4. While Shubham dressed up for school, Soham took out his clothes too and started dressing himself up. ' I want to go to Dada's school", he said. 5 minutes of logical and emotional reasoning to make him understand that he can't go to school with his Dada.
5. Shubham goes to school and Soham is back to his " sweet voice, coaxing ama mood", came to whisper me in my ears several times asking for chocolate.
6. Had a poo in between watching TV and singing himself. But does not want to clean up. Clean up done finally but is angry at TV for moving cartoon ahead.
7. Tiny row between Mother Son. I take " bold mother" approach and remain unmoved by tantrum.
8. In few minutes while i was reading paper, soham has miraculously dissapeared. Had to run outside and call him.............A big sigh that he has gone out with Hajurama.
9. he comes back and shows me his breath, that smells chocolate.
10. Sits beside me for 10 minutes and draws ambulance.
11. lunch time: I dance while he eats. Coax him how big his tummy is becoming, how big his muscles are growing.
12. After lunch, whirlwind playing.
13.ooops just found out while i was writing that he has finished one whole box of facial cream smearing on the floor.
14. Can see him washing his hand..................with a proud smile on his face.

What matters in the end

 

 

It does not matter how handsome he is

It does not matter how intelligent he is

It does not matter how rich he is

It does not matter how cute he is

It does not matter how sweet he is

It does not matter how many times he says "i love you" in a day

At the end of the day,

What matters is

Is he prepared to go a long way with you

Will he be with you when your skin loses its glow

Will he be with you when everybody is against you

Will he be with you when you do not know yourself

Will he be with you when you are nobody

Will he still be with you when you become somebody?

That's all that matters in the end

 

P.S. In case of heterosexual men, just replace he with she.

First lecture of the semester

As soon as posted on facebook " excited about the first class of semester: sexuality and society", my friend Pranika commented " blog about it". So, I am writing this when, my academic writing is bit slagging and my reading is getting sluggish. So, here it is.

First let me tell you how I landed up in this class. As a PhD student, I do not need to attend lectures actually. Since I am just beginning, I realized that attending regular lecture on topics relevant to my research interest will be good start for my academic year. I approached my supervisor to grant me permission to attend this class titled "sexuality and society". The course basically attempts to overview some important theoretical perspective surrounding sexuality. The major aim of the unit I think is to help us understand the linkages and interactions between individual and society that shapes the ways in which we think about and experience sexuality.

Even before, I started taking this lecture, I had met couple of cool young women around in Monash Women's Room. Let me tell you a few words about Monash Women's room. Monash Student Society has a room just for women students. Oh, yes, amazing isn't it. The room consists of a big lounge where you can sit around, read and eat. With offers of free tea, coffee and fridge and microwave to heat your lunch, this is the most happening place around in campus. Besides that, there is also a set of bunk bed. Bed, hell yes. Imagine a day when you are in university, you feel a sudden cramp. It could be due to your period or you are just feeling tired due to all hormonal somersaults in your body, women's room is just the place to be. Just feel comfortable to have a power nap for an hour or so, even the crappiest of the cramp will begin to feel better.

So, there I go. So, meeting these cool two young ladies had already had already piqued my interest. I had a hunch that this class is definitely preferred by cool young people who want to know more about issues concerning sexuality. One can dare to make an assumption as well to say that this course is much preferred by lesbian/gay and transgender students. As the class will move ahead, I look forward to have interactions with them and learn more about it.

Today's class was basically introductory. The class started with Lecturer Kirsten introducing about Monash Ally Network, please see the link http://monash.edu/social-justice/ally/. It is something that we can initiate in Nepal too. As you know many of us who may not be lesbian or Gay ourselves are more empathetic to challenges and problems faced by homosexuals. We wish we could do something about it. Monash has maintained Ally network ( they could be members of teaching faculty or staffs or students) who are supportive of homosexuals. It was an amazing way to start the class.

She started with introduction of sex and gender. And I liked her introduction of concept of Gender as (hetero alignment). Using the concept of Liam Leonard ( 2003) she argued that one ways of viewing Gender could also be as a principle of hetero alignment of bodies in three different and connected areas : in public/private spheres, social space, sexuality.

Most interesting part of the class was of course, a quiz session. Based on Australian Study of Health and Relationship 2014 ( http://www.ashr.edu.au/) we were asked to guess the answers to some interesting questions like these
1. Median age of first "vaginal sexual intercourse" of men and women
2. % of homosexual, bisexual, heterosexual men and women
3. % of men and women who use paid sex ever in their life
4. % of men and women who had causal sex beyond their regular sexual partner

There were other questions regarding viewing of pornography, use of condom and so on.

When she discussed research results one could clearly see that the ideology and practices surrounding gender definitely influences the ways in which we experience sexuality. For instance, women tended to have their first intercourse a year later than men ( men: 17, women:18). Similarly, men were more likely to use paid sex ( 16.7%) in comparison to women ( 0.3%) due to the fact that there exists higher number of female sex workers and they are way cheaper than less available number of male sex workers. Similarly, men were more likely to have causal sex with other than regular partners ( 4.6%) than women ( 0.3%).

After introduction of these concepts, she discussed some of the major milestones/key moments of history of study in sexuality. Look, I cannot write everything. I will try ask permission if I can upload the powerpoint in my blog :D. This is all for today friends. Will write more later.

Dissertation Musings II ( all about datelines and deadlines :D)

Deadlines and me
Me and deadlines
We are a curious combination...
It is a weird relationship that we share
Over the cups of coffee and long lunch
Muffled voices and shared secrets
That are revealed over late starts
and strenuous journey to completion.
Will we ever understand?
that we need a different name, timings and workings
to our complex relationship
we realize it every time in wake of exhaustion
and we blissfully forget when we just start off another journey

Back to School

It is exactly 7.26 pm. I am all by myself in one of these common rooms. I decided to write this blog, when I am feeling really "blocked" in my thoughts and I lack inspiration to read and write more. This is exactly when I feel like letting my creative side take reign over me.

So, today in one of these boring evenings, when I have nothing much to do except go home, eat something and go to bed straight away; I am pondering why I am here at all. The initial euphoria of getting scholarship and being a PhD student is still there, somewhat. But there must have been other important things in life for me to do rather than get a PhD. For instance, I could have had another baby, preferably daughter of course, at least this time. I could have crusaded for more mighty causes of women's right violations and become a full fledged activist. I could have perhaps always wrote that "dream book" or a novel I always thought I should and could write. I could have focused more on my career and achieved some more milestones. But here I am, back to school, being a student again. And tell you what, it feels strangely wonderful and alarming at the same time. Wonderful because after a long time, I can be totally self centered. All I get to think about and care about is : me and myself. Living alone as a student has its perks too. One has amazing flexibility of studying whenever you can and whenever you want, you are answerable to no one. It feels strange because you are in a new place, where you know less people and no body actually knows you. As a University lecturer, it was amazing to be greeted by and greeting so many people you knew while you were walking around. Here, you are just NOBODY. Again, being no body has its perks. After a long time, I do not need to worry much about how I am looking. Besides, in university here people have weird choice of clothes anyway. You never know whether its summer or winter. Some people are dressed in boots and shorts. Some are dressed full from head to toe.

There are always pros and cons. But I love being student again. Its a luxury I feel lucky to have. But this did not come easily of course. Now, the major challenge is of course how to go ahead from here............I hope I would not take too long to figure out my way. But sometimes, figuring out is a journey in itself. But I am little bit impatient with this phase. I want to be sure. I want to be certain. This doubt, this uncertainty, this pendulum like state is hard to deal with.

Dissertation Musings

The beginning

 

There are too many ways to start it seems
Too many directions to choose
The roads are wide enough
But you need to narrow them down
But you cannot narrow them down
Unless you travel the wide roads first
Sometimes you need to make new roads
That is less travelled
Less explored
But in order to know
which road you are going to make
You need to first travel by the road that others have already travelled

एउटा विद्यार्थीकाे गन्थन

एक्लै सुनसान घरमा हर्बल टि पिउँदै ल्यापटप अगाडी बसेकाे छु । ५ वर्षकाे अन्तरालमा फेरि विद्यार्थी जीवन सुरू गर्दा डर र उत्साह दुवै छ । डर यसकारण कि म अाफैंलाइ धेरै विश्वास नगर्ने मान्छे हाे । म असाध्यै मुडी छु , साथीहरू भन्ने गर्थे कुनै बेला "नीति र मेलबाेर्नकाे माैसम उस्तै हाे, छिनछिनमा बदलिरहने " । उत्साह यसकारण कि म करिब चार वर्ष एउटै विषयमा तल्लीन भएर अनुसन्धान गर्दैछु । याे अाफैमा एउटा ठुलाे माैका हाे मेराे लागि । अष्ट्रेलियन सरकारबाट प्राप्त छात्रवृत्री पाएकाे छु । विद्यार्थी जीवनशैली अपनाए राेजीराेटीकाे दुःख छैन । तर विद्रयार्थी भएर बाँच्ने कला सिक्नु पर्दाे रहेछ । यसकाे मतलब रमाइलाे नगर्ने हाेइन रहेछ, तर रमाइलाे गर्ने तरिका फरक हुँदाे रहेछ । अष्ट्रेलिया जस्ताे विकसित मुलुककाे सकारात्मक पक्ष के भने यहाँ धनी धनी भएर बाँच्न सक्छ, फेरि गरिब पनि अाफ्नै तरिकाले बाँच्न सक्छ ।

हरेक सप्ताहान्त, म किनमेलकाे लागि गुडाउने ट्रली लिएर खानेकुरा किन्न निस्किन्छु बसमा । बस सँधै समयमा अाइपुग्छ । नयाँ अाइफाेन लिएकाे छु, घरबाट निस्किनु अघि नै पिटिभी नामकाे एपमा बसकाे समयतालिका हेर्छु । दुइ चार पसल चहारेपछि कहाँ कुन सामान सस्ताेमा छ, अफरमा छ, थाहा भइहाल्छ । एउटा सामानमा १० सेन्ट बचाउन सके " वाह नीति" भनेर अाफैंलाइ फु्र्क्याउँछु । अाखिर त्यहि पाँच दस सेन्टकाे बचतले १ डलर हुने त हाे नि । अनि एक डलर भनेकाे त बाबै कम हाे र,  पुरै ९० रूपैयाँ पाे त । युनिभर्सिटीमा जहिले अाफैले घरमा पकाएकाे खाजा लान्छु । १० डलर दिनकाे पर्ने खाजा अाफैले बनाउने हाे भने एक डलर पनि नपर्ला । तर सँधै कति खानु हाे अाफैले पकाएकाे मात्र । अनि त के र हप्ताकाे एकदिन या दुइदिन यसाे किनेर पनि खाइहालिन्छ । तर भेजिटेरियन भएर बाहिर खानुकाे दुख अर्कै छ । न्युराेडकाे अाँगन र जमलकाे दुधसागर सम्झेर के गर्नु र बाबै । अस्ति क्याम्सकाे रेस्टुरेन्टमा भात र तरकारी किनेकाे , भेजिटेरियन, भेजिटेरियन भन्दैछु, मासुकाे डल्ला हाल्देछ । त्यसपछि त के र कति समयसम्म भात खान पनि मन लागेन । फेरी अर्काे दिक्क लाग्ने कुराे के भने , यहाँ भेज हुनु भन्दा ननभेज हुनु पाे सस्ताे त । एक मुठा साग र तीन छाक खान पुग्ने मासुकाे मुल्य उहि । अनि त मासु खानेलाइ के छ र, बिहानै, दिउँसै, बेलुकै मासु । याे त भयाे भर्खर भर्खर यता अाएका ननभेजका कुरा । जब महिनादिनमा भुँडी उप्सेर ठुलाे हुन्छ, त्यसपछि त चेतबाबा काशी, उनीहरू पनि किन्न थालिहाल्छन् नि त्यहि महँगाे सागकाे मुठा ।

लाै कुराे कता पुगेछ है फेरि । अँ त म लेख्दै थिएँ  शाकाहारीकाे चुनाैतीहरू । तर अब मेराे दुःखका दिन धेरै छैन नि । अबकाे केहि हप्तामा नयाँ समेष्टर सुरू भएपछि म पढ्ने युनिभर्सिटी माेनासका विद्याथीहरूले चलाउने गरेकाे हाेलफुड भन्ने साकाहारी रेष्टुरेन्ट खुलिहाल्छ नि । त्यहाँकाे कफि पनि सारै मिठाे छ । माेनासकाे विद्यार्थी युनियनकाे भर्खरै सदस्य बनेकाे छु ।  हरेक कप कफी डिस्काउन्टमा पिइन्छ अब, क्या मजा ।

अब गराैं कुरा घरभित्रकाे सामानकाे । बस्नलाइ यहाँ धेरै कुरा विचार गर्नुपर्ने हुन्छ । पहिलाे कुरा क्याम्पसकै हाेस्टेलमा बस्ने कि बाहिर डेरा लिएर बस्ने । क्याम्पसका हाेस्टेल सुविधासम्पन्न हुन्छन्, सरक्षित हुन्छन् तर त्यतिकै महँगाे पनि । क्याम्पस बाहिर बस्ने पनि थुपै विकल्पहरू छन् । म जस्ताे परिवारवाला हाे भने सानाे एउटा युनिट या अपार्टमेन्ट भाडामा लिएर बस्न पर्याे । सिंगलहरूकै छ मस्ती । एउटा काेठाकाे कुरा न हाे , स्टुडियाे एपार्टमेन्टदेखि लिएर स्येर हाउस सम्मका विकल्पहरू छन् । यस्ताे ठाउँमा बस्दा घरभित्रका सामान केहि किन्नुपर्दैन् । हाेटलमा गएजस्ताे सिधै अाफ्ना झिटीगुम्टा बाेकेर जाने त हाे । अब अलि अलि भाँडा कुँडाकाे जाेरजाम भने गर्नु पर्ने हुन्छ । अब हामीजस्ताे परिवारवालाकाे सास्तीकाे बयान गरि साध्य छैन । पहिलाे कुराे, घर भेट्न गाराे । भेटिहाले अाफुले खाेजेजस्नाे राेजेजस्ताे नपाइने । त्यस्ताे पाइहाले नि के गर्नु र अाफ्नाे गाेजी अर्थात डेबीड कार्डकाे ब्यालेन्सले भ्याउनु पनि पर्याे । घर पाइयाे भनेर दँग परेर छिर्याे , घर हुन्छ पुरै खाली । अनि अब सुरू भएन त टेन्सन । खाट कता किन्ने, अाेढ्ने के हाे, अाेछ्याउने के हाे , सबै जुटाउन समय लाग्छ । अनि त्यसपछि थाहा पाइन्छ, विकसित देशमा न्युनतम अावश्यकताका परिभाषाहरू फरक हुँदाे रहेछ । विदयार्थी भएपनि, पैसा थाेरै भएपनि यहाँ सबैकाे घरमा फ्रिज, माइक्राे वेभ, वासिंगमेसिन, टिभि, भ्याकुम क्लिनर हुन्छ । याे सबै विद्यार्थी अर्थतन्त्र र अष्ट्रेलियन सँस्कितीकाे कमाल हाे । हरेक वर्ष धेरैकाे सँख्यामा नयाँ विद्यार्थी अाउँछन् , पुरानाहरू या त घर फर्किन्छन् या  कामकाे खाेजीमा अन्तै लाग्छन् । पुरानाले अाफुले प्रयाेग गरेका सामानहरू सस्ताेमा बेचेर अाफ्नाे बाटाे लाग्छन् । यसपालि म कति भाग्यमानी परेछु भने , फ्रिज लगायत केहि फर्नीचरहरू किन्नै परेन । भएछ के भने, अार्थिक रूपले समुन्नत हुँदै गरेका मेरा एक दुइ साथीहरूले नयाँ सामानहरू किनेछन् । पुराना सामान पनि त नयाँ नै थिए तर अब ती घरमा अटाएनन् । उनीहरूले चाहेका भए सजिलै कसैलाइ सेकेन्ड ह्यान्ड बेच्न सक्थे , मलाइ माया गरे, अनि मेराे घर सजाउन मद्दत गरे । वास्तवमा घरमा नचाहिएका सामानहरू यहाँ तह लगाउने केहि तरिकाहरू रहेछ । पहिलाे तरिका हाे कसैलाइ बेच्ने । दाेस्राे तरिका हाे मलाइ जस्तै उपहार दिने, तर मान्छेलाइ चाहिएकाे हुनु पर्याे फेरि । तेस्राे तरिका हाे सेकेन्ड ह्यान्ड पसल जसलाइ यहाँ op shop अर्थात oppurtunity shop भनिन्छ, त्यहाँ लगेर दान दिने । चाैथाे तरिका हाे रिसाइकल डे कुरेर बस्ने, जुन वर्षकाे एकपटक या दुइपटक हुन्छ । अाफुले प्रयाेग नगर्ने ठुला ठुला सामानहरू, ग्याजेटहरू अाफ्नाे घर अगाडी राख्न सकिन्छ, जुन नगरपालिकाले उठाएर लाने व्यवस्था मिलाएकाे हुन्छ ।

लाै खै याे पाेष्ट कस्ताे भाे कुन्नी अलि अलि अात्मपरक, अलि अलि सुचनात्मक भएछ । लेख्न मनलागेका कुरा थुपै छन् । बाँकी अर्काे पाेष्टमा ल..................................शुभरात्री । 

Back to school after 5 years

I am back in Melbourne, back in Monash after more than five years. After more than two weeks of being back here, I am pondering, "why did I come back?". What makes people return? what is it? Is it the place or the people?

I think its both. People come first of course. Its the attachment and bonds you share previously and continue to share makes you come back. It is the place too, the feel of it, its textures, its locations and its familiarity makes you return. 

In my case, I was in Monash in between 2008 and 2009 struggling to learn the craft of academic writing, getting a higher education, learning new research methods. All the while I did this, I made couple of friends whom I could talk to, whom I could relate to. Monash itself is amazing University to be back to. It has a vibrant community of International students and amazing staff who are there to support if you are troubled about anything. More than that, its the feel of being a part of big international/multicultural family. 

This is just my first post. While I will be scratching my head to do academic writing, I need a place to come to and burst out my feelings and experience. And I believe, this blog will be the place to come to: to share, to read and write. 

More later in other blogs to come.............

Neeti

A week without TV

It has been about a week or so since we have closed down our TV completely. It was one crazy night when Shubham ( otherwise a very calm and collected guy) had such a big tantrum. The TV was on and it was dinner time. All his attention was in watching TV, while dinner cooled down by the side. When we requested him to eat, he answered back in a very nasty way that made us think " how old is he, is he 19 already?". Well, well. 

Weeks and weeks of our frustration regarding boy's TV addiction came out. Dadhiram cut off the line and declared " This is the end of the TV in the house". Now, after a week without boys watching TV, I wonder how did it come to this? How had we allowed TV to rule us, to rule our children, to dominate our life. 

I know is the age of technology and TV has more or less become a part of childhood memories. But, TV is addictive. And the addiction is hard to control. The reason our children are addicted is because we are addicted to TV ourselves as parent. We love to sit back and watch and forget all our worries and relax for a while. Slowly, we start eating family dinners watching TV. Gradually, children start watching never ending cartoons. The otherwise loud and naughty children suddenly become quiet. They are entranced with what is going on in a screen. The world around us is forgotten. Of course, all is well while the TV is on. But a minute after is a disaster. Based on our experience, I found Shubham and Soham growing more violent as their TV addiction grew. Their appetite suffered. They faught more than ever. They threw things even chairs at times. Home was a horrible place to be. 

Now, after a week without TV, home is quieter. In a week's time, Shubham and Soham play together more. Soham has even started eating daal bhat by himself. Dinner time is more fun full of conversation and jokes passing around. They have invented couple of imaginary games themselves that we parents have not been able to understand. Past few day, both boys have devoted their time and energy drawing and coloring. Soham is finishing 1 sketchpad in 3 days time. But it has been totally worth it. 

I wonder, how long this will go on. But I hope this is the way, it will be for a while, at least. 

Glimpses of Bardia: random thoughts and experiences

As I am typing away on my laptop in this dingy hotel in Bardia, I am reflecting on the past couple of days that I spent here. While typing, I am thinking, why I could not write this earlier. The aim was to write everyday, little bit of my experiences, impressions. But here I am, trying to cram up 6 incredible days into one post. Let's see how it turns out to be. 

Travelling is about adventure, being flexible and creative to adapt according to situation. But within that sense of adventure and creativity, one needs a sense of "comfort" too. We have our own queer habits, tastes and ways of doing things. During travelling I feel that challenge is all about how we haven an adventure, along with having some sort of "comfort' with continuity of our habits and tastes. 

In my case, I have a "hot water" saga every time I travel. Over the years, I have maintained habit to drink couple of glasses of warm water every morning soon after I wake up. So, far Bardia has allowed me that comfort. Along with that, a very strong black tea with a slice of lemon every morning. I thought, the tea was complimentary to its guest. But to my surprise, I found out when I cleared my bill this evening that it costs 10 Rs. 10 Rs, seriously? 

And let me tell you a little bit about our owner of guest house. He speaks as if his words are too expensive. You know the way some people carry out their importance in their "shoulders" all the time. I know I am being bitchy over here. But our research team wondered how he manages the hotel without smile and without a bit of courtesy that is needed to deal with the guest. His attitude is always like " who cares". Well, well..............

Every day, we have been visiting schools and trying to understand about issues surrounding Girl's Education. Interesting perspectives are emerging about issues relating to practices or early marriages and increasing trend of elopement. 

Our day started around 9 every morning, with a sumptuous daal bhat in hotel Arghakhanchi, near by the guest house we were living. One lunch was enough for us to decide " we won't be eating here". While travelling, there is a curious desire in me that seeks to experience the place through the tongue. I have a feeling, each place has its own distinct tastes. Even the same दाल भात tastes different in different places. In hotel Arghakhanchi, we were also more drawn to साहुनी's smile and her way of asking after us. The meal was simple, without much ado, you know घरकाे जस्तै । That's why, we were drawn towards it. A young handsome boy of around 15 , originally from Dolpa would serve us meal with smile on his face. I felt food was too salty. But it had been a while I had taken second helping of लाैकाकाे तरकारी, फर्सीकाे तरकारी and also knew that even मुलाकाे साग can be served in hotel. In evening after dinner, our research team had reflection about the whole day on emerging patterns and trends. I felt the power of team work and combination of different perspectives. Today, on the last day, I felt all of us were loosened up a lot. We could be ourselves around each other. Tell each other a joke and are able to detect a "punch line". Joke is much an act of intimacy. I have never been able to laugh at a joke told by stranger. Neither do one stranger tell jokes to others. You tell a joke to somebody, when you feel that the other will listen, understand and will be able to laugh just when one feels the timing and the beat of the laughter. And this laughter when it comes together in unison, together in different tempos and volumes and style makes people into "one". This moment is the one when you feel the growth of friendship and intimacy that you will feel is worth taking further. And researcher's jokes are funnier than ever. Their jokes are not scripted and customized हम जाएगा Jokes. Researchers create jokes on their everyday observations, conversations that they had in the field. These jokes are filled with insights and understanding that helps us further to hone our analysis. 

Our each morning, started with a journey with Akbar Dai. He drove us around Bardia. Each time we get into the zeep, melodious hindi classic songs greets us. It was in this zeep, I remembered many romantic songs that I craved for in my lovelorn days ए मेरा प्रेमपत्र पढकर, मुझे नींद नअाए , काेयल बाेली दुनिया डाेली । I feel songs are markers of our emotional state and it also carries deep emotions and flashes of remembrance. I have always wondered, why people enjoy listening to old songs more than the new ones. It is probably because the old songs carry our memories within them. With songs, I often get visions and memories of the last time that I was listening to this songs and certain feelings that awoke within me. It was these songs that helped us to pass the bumpy roads around Bardia. Along with that, we had fascinating conversations among ourselves of course. 

On the second last day of our visit, we set off to Rupaidiya Bazar from Bhaisahi, Bardia. Both of my co-researchers had already visited Bazar before. But they decided to go there again and I am thankful to them for sensing my need for "experiencing the place through shopping". Indeed, you never know the place and its people until you shop. Shopping opens up new vistas of human communication. It is not just a transaction of cash and goods. It is barter of words in between which you get a better glimpse of human culture and emotions. 

Rupaidia Bazar is such a place where first you may enter saying " I won't buy anything". By the time you return, you have emptied your pockets. Women will understand it better of course. Shopping is like a treasure hunt for women. We are in search for something unique and pecualiar. We wish to get something that reminds of this place. We are in search of that "special deal", a "a great sale" a "bargain". We are equally in search of "elusive", "authenticity" "unique" and "ethnic" .

Nepali people like us who are in search of "cross border" shopping experience are main customers of Rupaidiha market. Once you enter the place, you will see Indians waving the Indian Rupees and asking whether you need the change. But the security checking by female Indian Personnel was humiliating. It is one thing to do security checking, we understand it of course that it is their job. But to interrogate in a most humiliating way was disturbing. I hate this whole concept of "borders", the dividing line, the concept of nation and state. It was the same air on the both side, but once we entered the gate, we felt different. What is it that makes us different, an outsider. How is this feeling of being an "outsider" is constructed, I wonder often. 

Indian shopkeeper can easily tell customers from Nepali to Indian. Our way of speaking offhanded Hindi ( learnt from countless doses of bollywood romantic movies) does not give us the native accent. They smirk, they smile at our feeble attempt to show off our attempt to pass off as native.  Shopkeepers are well practiced. In front of us लाल becomes राताे, अच्छा becomes राम्राे, महंगा becomes महंगाे.  They give us two prices ( in IC and NC) as soon as we ask इसका कितना हे? I ended up buying two saree, a blouse piece in one cloth shop, in which we entered just to wander around. I founded to hoodie jackets for Shubham Soham. I bought it in a whim, in desperation of a mother who is anxious to find anything to take back home for her kids. I wonder whether these two hoodies ( in tacky colors and curious prints) will show their true colors in one wash.  हे भगवान् I hope I will have some dignity that they will last well until the end of this season. I hope they do not turn out into one of my "shopping spreee" nightmares. I have oodles of stories of shopping gone wrong specially in things I buy when I see the big sign of " SALE", yes in capital letters. The sign is enough for me to go in and start buying things I do not even need. 

Fortunately, Rupaidiya allowed me to buy small treasures for my nears and dears. I have a gift for everyone in my family and my two best friends. Thanks to Rupaidiya Experience my research Team. 

Oh, its nearly 11.30 at night. Need to catch up some sleep. We have a early flight from Nepalgunj to Kathmandu. I guess, I should end this blog here now. I did not start this post with a plan. So my experience is not uniformed and organized. And I like it that way. Let the people who read this make sense of it. 

Random Notes of Bardia

This morning, I made myself a promise. I will write, yes, write everyday. In midst of all kinds of writing that I have to do, I will write for myself. I will write for pleasure. 

The thought came to my mind, when I hurriedly walked from my home, bidding goodbye to my children. It was merely 6.15 am. They would not wake this hour normally. But, they knew Ama was going away. So, they woke up, with a rush. And said goodbye. And Soham came over and said we wanted car when I was back. Shubham came over near me and said, " Buwa has promised us a gift, if we will be good boys for this whole year". Perhaps, a whole year is too much. Perhaps, what actually their father meant was whole week. No, no, actually, it will be blessing if we could pass a whole day without any tantrums and fights between them. But, that is impossible of course. They are just children, they don't really care about these promises. What they know, however is that they will get gifts anyway. 

So, here I come again back to writing. Yes, with a backback on my back and a big bag dangling in my arms, I thought while walking, " I will write everyday". So, this is kind of experiment that I am doing with myself to see how much I can write and how long. 

So, here I am sitting on this dodgy, cheap hotel in Bardia ( I need to save some bucks, of course) and writing away like crazy.  And I feel, may be I should stop right here, for today. 

यसकारण म दुवै थर लेख्छु

नीति अर्याल खनाल

धेरैलाइ याे नाम लामाे लाग्छ, कहिलेकाहिं म अाफैलाइ पनि ।


अझै पनि विभागकाे मिटिंगहरूमा माइनुट लेख्ने सरहरूले "नीति अर्याल" मात्र लेख्नुहुन्छ, म हस्ताक्षर गर्ने बेला खनाल थप्छु ।

कहिलेकाहिं मेराे श्रीमानकाे चिनारूहरूबीचकाे बसाइमा मेराे नाम  "नीति खनाल " मात्र हुनपुग्छ, म फेरि बीचमा अर्याल थप्छु ।

याे क्रम चलिरहेछ लगभग एक दशक देखि ।  धेरैपछि अाज एउटा घटनाले मलाइ मेराे नामकाे बारेमा साेच्न र विमर्श गर्ने माैका दिएकाे छ । त्यसकाे लागि एक बेनाम व्यक्तिलाइ धन्यवाद दिन चाहन्छु जसले मलाइ प्रश्न गरे । प्रश्नलाइ स्वीकारेर  जवाफ लेखें । जब प्रश्नसँगै केहि अाराेप थपिए, याे धेरै समयदेखि नचलेकाे मेराे ब्लग चलायमान भयाे । धन्यवाद है तपाइलाइ

अचानक टि्वटरमा कसैले मलाइ प्रश्न गर्नुभयाे ः किन तपाइ दुइटा थर लेख्नु हुन्छ?
मैले जवाफ फर्काएँ ः अर्याल बुवाअामाबाट प्राप्त थर हाे अनि खनाल विवाहपछि अपनाइएकाे । मैले भनें याे मेराे व्यक्तिगत निर्णय हाे । करिब एक दशकअघि जब धेरै मेरा साथीहरू थर परिवर्तन गर्दै थिए, मैले मेराे पुरानाे थर हटाइन, त्यसैमा अर्काे नयाँ थपे । अहिले साेच्छु,  यदि विवाहपछि पनि अाफ्नाे नाम कायम गरिराख्ने महिलाहरूसंग मेराे संगत भएकाे भए , म शायद त्यसै गर्न सक्थे या नगर्न पनि सक्थें, म यसै भन्न सक्दिन । तर त्यतिखेर नारीवादी परिचय बनाएका केहि महिलाहरूले दुइटै थर लेखिरहेकाे थिए । मैले पनि त्यसै गरें ।

जब मान्छेकाे नाम बन्छ, परिवर्तन गर्न गाराे हुन्छ । नीति अर्याल बाट नीति अर्याल खनाल हुन सजिलाे थिएन । तर जब त्याे नाम लेखिंदै गयाे, तब त्याे नामप्रति मेराे अपनत्व बढ्दै गयाे । जब काेहि मेराे नामप्रति प्रश्न उठाउँछ, ममाथि प्रश्न उठाएकाे जस्ताे लाग्छ । अब म अर्याल खनाल नै भएर चिनिन चाहन्छु र मलाइ त्यसमा न कुनै हिनताबाेध छ, न गर्व नै ।

याे हिनता र गर्वकाे कुरा किन जाेडिएकाे भने, मेराे नामसँग मेराे नारीवादी छवि जाेडियाे, मेराे पेशा जाेडियाे । यहि विषयमा कुराकानी गर्ने क्रममा ट्वीटरमा यस्ताे टिप्पणी अायाे

Personal choice? I am just shocked to know a university lecturer/professor has such personal choice.
व्यक्तिगत राेजाइ? म त अचम्ममा परेँ कि विश्वविद्यालयमा पढाउने लेक्चर/प्राध्यापकले यस्ताे व्यक्तिगत राेजाइ राख्छन् ।

फेरि बीच बीचमा नारीवादी भएकाे, नारीवादी गफ दिएर मान्छे उचाल्ने र जीन्दगीमा नउतार्ने व्यक्ति भनेर अाराेप पनि लगाइयाे ।

नारीवाद जति मेराे पढाउने विषय हाे, त्यति मैले बाँच्ने सिद्दान्त पनि हाे । तर कति बाँचे र कसरी बाँचे भन्ने कुरामा मेराे स्वमुल्यांकन हाेला । मेरा निकटका व्यक्तिहरूकाे मुल्यांकन हाेला । सार्वजनिक वृत्तमा लेखेकाे र बाेलेकाे अाधारमा पनि केहि मुल्यांकन हाेला  । र यी हरेक मुल्यांकन सापेक्षित कुरा हुन्, व्यक्ति विशेष फरक, भाेगाइ विशेष फरक ।

लैंगीक समानताकाे कुरा गर्ने तर " म  नारीवादी हाेइन है" भनेर स्पष्टीकरण दिनेहरूलाइ साेध्न मनलाग्छ मलाइ "तपाइले बुझेकाे नारीवाद के हाे?"  मेराे नारीवादी परिचय पनि त्यहि असन्तुिष्टीबाट जन्मेकाे हाे । र म धक फुकाएर भन्छु म नारीवादी हाे ।  मैले अाफुलाइ अहिलेसम्म नारीवादीकाे रूपमा सफल भएकाे, भयंकर ठुलाे काम गरेकाे जस्ताे लाग्दैन । शायद कहिल्यै लाग्ने छैन पनि । र म जुन पेशामा छु, त्याे सहजै देखिने क्षेत्र हैन पनि । फेरि म  सँधै धेरै केहि गर्न सकिन भनेर पछुताइरहने मान्छे हाे । र त्यहि पछुताउने बानीले अलि अलि सकेकाे गर्ने, नसके लेख्ने, लेख्न नसके बाेल्ने, त्याे पनि नसके, "हेर मैले सकिन, तिमी गरन" भनेर कसैलाइ अनुराेध गर्ने मान्छे हाे ।

म पढाउने मान्छे । नेपालमा पढाउने बाेलिले हाे । म सकेसम्म अाफ्नाे बाेलीमा निर्धारित पाठ्क्रम, समाजकाे बुझाइ, विद्यार्थीकाे अनुभव र अाफ्नाे अनुभव मिसाएर पढाउँछु । सबैकाे प्रिय लेक्चरर हाेइन, तर म झुर पनि छैन । जुन दिन झुर पढाउन थाल्नेछु, त्याे दिनदेखि अरू केहि काम गर्नेछु । अध्ययन अनुसन्धान वृत्ति पाएकाे बेला अनुसन्धान गरेकाे छु, साना तिना । पत्र पत्रिकामा समय मिलेसम्म लेख्छु ।

जहाँसम्म नारीवादी गफ र मान्छे उचाल्ने कुरा छ, शायद याे कुरा मेराे सामाजिक संजालमा सक्रियतासँग जाेडिएकाे हाेला । हाे म फेसबुकमा नारीवादी लेख श्येर गर्छु, कुनै विषयमा बहस गर्छु, ट्वीटरमा अाक्कल झुक्कल लेख्छु फुर्सतमा । सामाजिक संजालमा अरूकाे चियाेचर्चाे गर्नभन्दा विचार विमर्श गर्न मन पराउँछु । हाे याे गफ नै हाे । तर याे गफकाे शक्तीलाइ कम अाँक्न मिल्दैन । विश्वमा अहिले सामाजिक अान्दाेलन सामाजिक संजालकाे माध्यमबाट चलिरहेका छन् । नेपालमा नारीवादीहरूले सामाजिक संजालकै माध्यमबाट  पनि अान्दाेलन गर्न जरूरी देख्छु म । किनभने अहिले महिलाहरूकाे याैनिकताकाे साँघुराे अनि पुर्वाग्रहि विचारहरू  अनलाइन मिडिया र सामाजिक संजालबाट फैलिरहेकाे छ । अबकाे पछिल्ला पुस्ताका नारीवादीहरूले सामाजिक संजालमा सक्रियता नबढाइ सुख्खै छैन । कसैले त्यसलाइ गफ भन्लान् , म अान्दाेलनकाे पाटाे मान्छु । केहि समयअघि चाैकठ नामकाे नारीवादी समुहले सामाजिक संजालकै माध्यमबाट  नेपाली महिलाकाे नागरिकताकाे मुद्दालाइ  अान्दाेलनकाे रूप दिएकाे छ ।

तर एक टिप्पणीकर्ताकाे विचारमा मैले नारीवादी गफ धेरै दिएँ, तर जीवनमा उतारिन । हुन सक्छ । पढाएका सिदान्त सबै उतारिन हाेला । म Radical/ अामुल नारीवाद पढाउँछु तर म विवाहित छु ।  पढाएकाे सबै कुरा कहाँ हुन सकिन्छ र ।

जाे महिललाले विवाहपछि अाफ्नाे थर परिवर्तन गरेनन, अाफ्नाे स्वअस्तित्व कायम राखे,  उहाँहरूप्रति मेराे सम्मान छ। जसले पुर्ण रूपमा अाफ्नाे थर परिवर्तन गरे र पनि नारीवादी संघर्षमा हाेमिए, के उनीहरूलाइ नारीवादी नमान्ने त ? के नेपालकाे महिला शिक्षामा अतुलनीय याेगदान दिने अंगुरबाबा जाेशीकाे (जाेशी उहाँकाे श्रीमानकाे थर हाे ) कार्यलाइ कम अांकलन गर्ने त । नेपालमा महिला अान्दाेलनमा लागेका थुप्रै महिलाहरूले दुवै थर लेख्छन् (लिष्ट लामै छ, लेख्न थाल्याे भने)  , के उनीहरू याेगदानलाइ कम मान्ने त?

नारीवादका विभिन्न वाद छन् , नारीवादीका भिन्न भिन्न रूप अनि जीवन जिउने तरिका । एउटा नारीवादीले अर्काे नारीवादीलाइ "मेराे वाद ठीक, तिम्राे बेठिक" भन्ने स्थिती हुन्छ भने त्यसले अान्दाेलनलाइ कमजाेर तुल्याउँछ । हाे बहस जरूरी छ, स्व अस्तित्वकाे,  तर त्यत्तिकै खाँचाे छ सह अस्तित्वकाे पनि । तर मेराे मतलब सह अस्तित्व केवल दुइटा थर लेखेर हुन्छ भन्ने बिल्कुल हाेइन । मेराे सवालमा चाहिं अचम्मसँग त्याे मिल्न पुगेकाे छ । म विवाहपछि बाँधिएकाे भन्दा धेरै हदसम्म स्वतन्त्र भएकाे छु । यसमा मेराे जीवनसाथीकाे माया र साथकाे ठुलाे भुमिका छ । तर  याे ब्लग पढ्ने भावी पुस्ताका महिलालाइ म के भन्न चाहन्छु भने, विवाह भएपछि थर परिवर्तन गरिरहनु अावश्यक छैन । तर यदि थप्न चाहनुहुन्छ भने तपाइकाे इच्छाकाे कुरा हाे ।

अन्तमा, जाँदा जाँदै

मैले नारीवादीकाे रूपमा ठाेस काम गर्न बाँकी नै छ। तर मलाइ पुरा विश्वास छ म नीति अर्याल खनाल भएरै याे काम गर्ने सक्छु । 

Small pleasures

Don't make me feel guiltyfor the small pleasuresI seek in my lifeA small bite of a cheesecakeA cup of strong coffeeReading a great bookWatching a romantic flick

I do not mind missing few stations in this train of life. How far can one do? How far one can achieve? How far one needs to run, run and run and yet be on the same place. Let me be, the way I am, where I am. I have worked hard enough to be wherever it is. And I do not mind, If I am stuck here for a while

Am I a superwoman?

" you are supermom"

"you are super woman"

" you balance everything perfectly"

"how do you manage to find time to do everything"

Its been a while that I have been asked these questions. And I truly thank all those who have complemented me on my supposed ability to "balance everything". Today, I wish to share with you what I think about all these questions and the reality that I am living with. 

I am married. I have two sons. I work in University. I love reading, beyond text books and academic article that I teach. I love writing. I love being in social media, expressing my opinions and views. I love cooking. I love travelling. I love meeting and having coffee with interesting people. 

First things first, I do not believe in notion of anything "super". So, I am not 'supermom" and "superwoman" period. I am actually not even a "good mother" according to social standards of Nepali motherhood. There has been times, when I do not always cook healthy meals for my children, though I try. There has been time, when I have been absent from important event of my children's lives: their birthdays, their parent's day, results day. I always do not tell them stories before they go to bed. I sometimes even forget to kiss them goodnight. There has been times when I drag my kids along ( particularly Shubham, older one) to social functions and official meetings because there was no other option. He would sit whole day, scribbling in his notebook. He was happy at times, but he wanted meeting to end too quickly. I would glance towards him few feet away, anxious how he is feeling. And at the same time, feeling deep sense of guilt for not being able to concentrate fully in the meeting. 

Yes, Guilt is the most frequent emotion I experience these days. Guilt for not being a good mother. Guilt for not being a professional. So, many of you who have said I have balance in my life, is terribly wrong. My life is terribly lop sided. And I am okay with it. I see myself as a clown with a ball game. You know the one who throws many balls in the air and catches them one by one. In my case, I throw many balls in the air, but I catch only few at one time, I sometimes deliberately drop few balls, because I understand my limitations. Sometimes, the balls that I so much wanted to catch go missing because I was not fast enough, I was not swift enough because you see I had to catch another more important ball. So, I do not balance everything perfectly. I just do what I can. 

While writing all this, I sound like a martyr, which I am not. While writing these lines, it would be cruel if I do not acknowledge how blessed and lucky I am. First of all, I am highly supported by my parents. They help look after my sons. My mother takes most of the responsibility in kitchen. I have a helper, I need her. Without her, my life will be crazy. My husband is immensely supportive. He is the best father I have ever seen. We share the task. If I cook, he feeds. If he baths children, I give them oil massage. 

Had I been working a "9 to 5" job, which I cannot tolerate, things would  have been easier perhaps. I would go to office, do whatever needs to be done and be back home and do all household tasks.But being in academia has its own perks and downside. Perks is that, working hours are flexible  except the lectures. I can prepare for lectures anywhere I want, even at home. I can do research, I can write. But downside of this is,if you are ambitious in academia, if you are not satisfied just to "teach" but to do more, its a big headache. It means, you apply for fellowships, you do research, you write actively, you appear in media, you maintain networks, you meet people, you have social obligations, social events and lectures to attend. It often means, you do most of your work at home. "Home" no more becomes a place to come and rest: but a place where you work extra hours.

I do this because, I am ambitious. I have always wanted to do more and be more. This very ambition is the reason that I am what today, which is not much. I wish to do more, be more. You see, this very reason spoils the fun out of my life. There has been times, when I cannot enjoy a good book, because I feel I should be reading something serious instead. It has been a while since I went to cinema hall, probably years to watch the latest Bollywood flick. But it does not mean, I do not enjoy these things. I do, a lot actually. 

Sometimes, I watch all latest movies whole night. I somehow read the books I wish to read during I commute in crowded micro buses and tempos. I often read newspaper while I eat, seriously. 

I love to write. But most of the time, I suffer from guilt of not being able to write. I equally suffer from not being able to write well. Words play in my mind and heart in odd hours of day and night, when I do not have luxury to grab pen, paper or laptop. by the time, I do, then the precious thoughts are gone. And when I have time to write, I do not and cannot write either, because when it is too much.I just feel " मरि लानु के छ र " and just forget everything I need to do and just chill out doing nothing, absolutely nothing. And it is one of those times, I feel happiest. 

This hurry, this frenzy of doing everything, managing everything, being "perfect" is the culprit. 

I have immense respect to those who stay at home out of choice or due to circumstances. But I strongly believe that if one wishes to do something, one can do it: not exactly on the same way, not exactly on the timeframe we wanted it. But one can do it, things you wish to do can happen. 

Like other day, one of my friend commented that she has not read a book in a while. I can understand it can be hard if you are a mother of little children. But I see reading more as a choice rather than matter of time. I have not slept many nights in order to finish the book. But I do not feel that much drowsy next day because I loved it. Book lovers sleep a little but find time to read. Book lovers watch less TV but find time to read. Book lovers go out less often but find time to read. Its all about a choice. Same is with writing. Writing is an affliction, its an addiction. If one loves writing, one writes anyway. One cannot live without expressing what you see, think and feel: because that's the way to be. 

Thank you all those who think that I balance everything. I hope you understand now, that I am not perfect in everything. I am hardly a perfect mother, I am hardly a perfect professional, I hardly write that regularly, I am not that much into facebook but once I am on it: I write instead of gawking and drooling at someone else pictures. So, you see I am just good at making choices: what I wish to do and what I do not wish to do. 

Like for instance, all the while writing this post ( after feeding two kids and sending them swiftly to bed): I had a choice to do couple of things. I could have watched TV, watched heart wrenching romantic flick that I have saved it in my computer, I could have read dozens of unread books in my shelves, I could talk with my husband ( who happens to be equally busy in his assignment) or I could just sleep. 

Thank you for reading :) 

Sunday morning with Soham

My Sunday Morning with Soham is going on like this 

Shubham left for school, Soham watches TV until then
Once his "dada" is off, he comes to my room with armful of crayons, colors and several sketch books and coloring books where I am supposedly "working".
He spreads them on the bed and asks me every 2 minutes " What shall I draw now"
I say " computer", " Cup", "Bottle"
His answer is No to all of them
Finally he has an idea, he starts drawing his own hand. 
And I am like , "okay, perfect peace for next 5 minutes"
Oh, what a delusion
Exactly in a minute he wails " rub it off, rub it off"
He has a streak of perfectionism in him and he quiet did not like the way his hand looks in the sketchbook
It looks preety awesome to me. I see several possibilities in it. Him coloring it, cutting it, pasting it: all the while allowing me enough time to complete this email I was writing. 
But No, Then, I give it, I rub it off
But then, he wants me to stay with him and draw his hand. 
I do that and he is satisfied with it. 
Then, he is quiet for a while, enjoying his work. 
After a while he comes to me to show his picture "how is it", he asks
I say, as usual "beautiful" but he wants me to complete it
He has actually drawn a head of a pig, I draw the body. 
Meanwhile, he treats books and copies like blocks and creates a structure out of them. 

Then, he arranges my clothes and scatters them all over. The more I say, "don't", he will do more. So, for the sake of my sanity, I just remain quiet. 

It has been about 2 minutes, there is an eerie silence around the room, that it almost feels unnatural. I look around, and OMG he has his hand all over my bag that I nearly had an heart attack.