It is exactly 7.26 pm. I am all by myself in one of these common rooms. I decided to write this blog, when I am feeling really "blocked" in my thoughts and I lack inspiration to read and write more. This is exactly when I feel like letting my creative side take reign over me.
So, today in one of these boring evenings, when I have nothing much to do except go home, eat something and go to bed straight away; I am pondering why I am here at all. The initial euphoria of getting scholarship and being a PhD student is still there, somewhat. But there must have been other important things in life for me to do rather than get a PhD. For instance, I could have had another baby, preferably daughter of course, at least this time. I could have crusaded for more mighty causes of women's right violations and become a full fledged activist. I could have perhaps always wrote that "dream book" or a novel I always thought I should and could write. I could have focused more on my career and achieved some more milestones. But here I am, back to school, being a student again. And tell you what, it feels strangely wonderful and alarming at the same time. Wonderful because after a long time, I can be totally self centered. All I get to think about and care about is : me and myself. Living alone as a student has its perks too. One has amazing flexibility of studying whenever you can and whenever you want, you are answerable to no one. It feels strange because you are in a new place, where you know less people and no body actually knows you. As a University lecturer, it was amazing to be greeted by and greeting so many people you knew while you were walking around. Here, you are just NOBODY. Again, being no body has its perks. After a long time, I do not need to worry much about how I am looking. Besides, in university here people have weird choice of clothes anyway. You never know whether its summer or winter. Some people are dressed in boots and shorts. Some are dressed full from head to toe.
There are always pros and cons. But I love being student again. Its a luxury I feel lucky to have. But this did not come easily of course. Now, the major challenge is of course how to go ahead from here............I hope I would not take too long to figure out my way. But sometimes, figuring out is a journey in itself. But I am little bit impatient with this phase. I want to be sure. I want to be certain. This doubt, this uncertainty, this pendulum like state is hard to deal with.
So, today in one of these boring evenings, when I have nothing much to do except go home, eat something and go to bed straight away; I am pondering why I am here at all. The initial euphoria of getting scholarship and being a PhD student is still there, somewhat. But there must have been other important things in life for me to do rather than get a PhD. For instance, I could have had another baby, preferably daughter of course, at least this time. I could have crusaded for more mighty causes of women's right violations and become a full fledged activist. I could have perhaps always wrote that "dream book" or a novel I always thought I should and could write. I could have focused more on my career and achieved some more milestones. But here I am, back to school, being a student again. And tell you what, it feels strangely wonderful and alarming at the same time. Wonderful because after a long time, I can be totally self centered. All I get to think about and care about is : me and myself. Living alone as a student has its perks too. One has amazing flexibility of studying whenever you can and whenever you want, you are answerable to no one. It feels strange because you are in a new place, where you know less people and no body actually knows you. As a University lecturer, it was amazing to be greeted by and greeting so many people you knew while you were walking around. Here, you are just NOBODY. Again, being no body has its perks. After a long time, I do not need to worry much about how I am looking. Besides, in university here people have weird choice of clothes anyway. You never know whether its summer or winter. Some people are dressed in boots and shorts. Some are dressed full from head to toe.
There are always pros and cons. But I love being student again. Its a luxury I feel lucky to have. But this did not come easily of course. Now, the major challenge is of course how to go ahead from here............I hope I would not take too long to figure out my way. But sometimes, figuring out is a journey in itself. But I am little bit impatient with this phase. I want to be sure. I want to be certain. This doubt, this uncertainty, this pendulum like state is hard to deal with.
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