On our fourth anniversary

It is for you . I am lucky to have you in my life. I can only explain, what i feel but still I can't pin point, what exactly it is.


With you
there were no promise of stars
It was different from romantic
novels
i read
You were not the dashing hero
that I dreamt of
You were hidden somewhere
yet always visible
but we never noticed each other

Must be destiny
now, that
we are together
We have no poems for each other
Like an ordinary couple
we are not seen putting arms on each other
we do not blush
We do not proclaim love
we are unorthodox couple

People have asked us
whether ours is
arranged or love marriage
Answers are never easy
As it is something in between
Perhaps relationship
brought through divine matchmaker

We did not love instantly
It is something more complicated
than this much hyped
'love' that we feel for each other.
Apart from love
we are more worried about
peace
our country
We have a common mission
and goal
Instead of musing on our
love for each other
We rather discuss
What to write next
We inspire each other
to do something positive
To contribute


Thus, we are hopeless
change makers
Constantly striving to learn
To change ourselves
to better ourselves
and thus
aiding each other in this process

Bounded in this difficult
institution called marriage
We often act conventional
husband and wife
and pretend that we conform
But what matters most
is that inner friendship we have
The trust
The sense of responsibility
Understanding
Is that what they call 'love'
Perhaps,
I am not sure
But, does it matter
whatever it is called?

Is motherhood a choice for Nepali women?

For Nepali women, motherhood is both a source of agency and subjugation. It is a source of agency because as it is only through status of a mother, specially that of son, a Nepali women can enjoy a higher status in her family and society. I am speaking from vantage point of middle class upper caste women like myself, based on my personal experience and observations. This may not be true for every other Nepali women.

How far Nepali women have a choice when to become mothers or be mothers at all? There is very little choice. It is because motherhood is so much seen as an ultimate fulfillment of femininity. Every women is somehow considered a natural mother. It is regarded as an ultimate goal for every woman. Looking at motherhood as an individual like myself, it is full of contradictions. The first contradiction on general belief of motherhood is that it is natural. It is regarded that every woman when given birth to child, acquires the art and craft of motherhood. However, motherhood is learnt by social behavior, norms, values and also the generational knowledge handed over by previous generation. Reflecting on my own journey towards motherhood I see that it is a life long course which I have partly learnt through my mother's lessons, friends counsel, neighbour's heresay, mass-media, literature and to some extent my own lived and embodied experience. Thus, I claim that I am not a natural mother, I have learnt to become a mother.

Another contradictions which I have faced constantly due to my life choices is belief in 'intensive motherhood'. Intensive motherhood ideology preaches that only mothers are the best persons to look after their children. It believes that mothers should be available to children all the time especially in their early years. The lack of that will consequently lead to serious psychological effects on child. This is a sensitive topic for me to dwell on. My decision to come to Melbourne for further studies led me to leave my 18 months old son in my parent's care. Several times, I have been branded as 'over ambitious' and 'career oriented' and sometimes even cruel. I was caught in between my ambition and motherhood. I knew that opportunity does not knock the door twice. I was in crossroads of my career which was again mediated by my motherhood. After I became mother, I chose to work only when I could. Thus, I saw myself being stagnant in my career for couple of years. Thus, I either had to choose this or be prepared to be stagnant for some other years to come.

Another big factor in motherhood of Nepali women is son vs daughter debate. Recently I had got hold of Chinese calendar which gives a list of best year and month to conceive daughter or son. Some of my friends had used it and become successful to bear son, they never tried it for a daughter. I sometimes hear that ' It is women themselves who want to bear son'. I say, they do because we have to look at how women with daughters only are treated. I remember one of my friend whose first born was daughter. Her husband was only son in the family. She was afraid that her husband will be marrying another woman if she does not bear him son. That is why, Nepali women, even so called educated career oriented women sometimes opt to have a son rather than daughter. However, there is some other debate going on which argues that ' daughter are much better than son, as son leave their home anyway these days' . One of the main reason for son preference in Nepal is our tendency to see them as our insurance for old days. The present trend shows that this belief is gradually crumbling down. I wish that Nepal abolishes its heir system in which only sons can inherit parental property. It is an irony that parents work hard to earn property which ultimately passes over to their sons. It will take a long time when ultimately Nepal could have a will system of inheritance.

Thus, there is a long way to go for Nepali women in having agency in their motherhood. It is still debated whether one needs to become mother at all to be fulfilled. There are women like Mother Teresa who choose to remain barren but became mother of millions of improvised children. It is

Maoist women's future

Everybody has a opinion about what is happening in Nepal and why. It is such a complex issue to argue and talk about. Thus, I do not have any distinct opinion or argument in it. At this time, I am thinking about my participants and their future. I interviewed 10 Maoist women about their motherhood experiences. Most of them were in cantonment. They were engaged in 'people's war' in several ways ranging from issues of domestic violence to ideological commitments towards class less society. I see Maoist women's integration in Nepali society most problematic of all. They have defied the social norms and codes of Nepali society by being engaged in armed struggle. Contrary to men, who have always been seen as warriors and dissents in Nepali political history. What will happen to these women? Would they go back to carrying arms again? What about their children, will they turn into another generation of rebels? Will these women women be ever accepted as wives, dauthers and dauthers-in-law in our society?

Me and my mother

Sometimes, I just wonder how I have let life slip through my fingers. Am I indulging myself too much. Should I be more duty conscious? Should I be more responsible. But again, these are such ambiguous terms. Especially these all lamentations come, when I see my role as a mother. I am a mother, who is so different from my own mother. My mother, whose sole purpose in life was to look after her husband and children. sometimes she tells me, ' oh, life is so easy for you girls today. You no longer have to do chores like we used to. You don't have strict mother-in-law like me'.

When I compare my life with my mother, I see times have indeed changed. She is one driving force behind this change. Everytime when I wanted to enter the kitchen to cook something or just fool around, she would say' I could not study, I have nothing else to do apart from this. You have to study, so that you will not end up like me'. She always encouraged me to be something. Apart from other mothers of my friends, she never was interested for finding good husband for me. but rather she beleived that I should be financially independent. My father was a patriarch in true sense. He controlled me, but in such a way that I reach my goals. I make the best of what I could do. I still remember, almost a decade ago, he called me for a serious meeting. I was about to graduate then. He asked ' what do you want in you life. If you want to marry and have kids and be housewife, now is the time for that. But, if you want to study more and make a career, you could do that. But you have to be ready to accept that you may not find a good husband. As you know that in Nepal, men don't want to get married with women who are more educated or career oriented than them'. I said, what my father wanted me to say and knew that I would say:' I choose career'.

Thus, now, I am in this lop sided balance of motherhood and career, which is not vs but somehow complements each other. It is a difficult balance that many women choose or forced to choose. Just few weeks ago, I read buchi emecheta's ' Joys of motherhood'. The first book I ever read that discussed about the daily lives of black women. The central character in the book had to become mother to be accepted as a woman. But again, sometimes her motherhood became a chain that she could not break free from. At the end, struggling through out her life for her children, she dies. But none of her children are able to look after her in her most difficult old age. She dies, alone. But then, her sons perform the most expensive funeral ever. What is the point?

The blog post, does not make sense even to me. It is a series of uncordinated ideas, which has been happening a lot while I write thesis. I come to blog, when I just want to write and not being cared about providing a good argument. It is my friend, who would listen, even if i have the most silliest thing to say. I am happy for discovering this outlet

Melbourne river cruise and street performer in southgate

This weekend was rollicking. On saturday, we had dinner with A and C with their sweet baby girl of six months. She was hugging and kissing shubham all the time. May be she was missing her brother, who is of same age as shubham. On sunday morning, we went to city for cruise. It was not a cruise as such. We had promised shubham to take him in ship, but we later discovered that it was not a ship but just a ferry. But shubham was so excited to see ferry riding over the water. Now, he has experienced yet another dimension of his passion. He is passionate about anything that moves, especially vehicles. Planes, helicopters, car, buses are his favourate word. When, we lack of ideas and time for planning any weekend trips, we would just take him for a ride in any bus or train, he would be happy just because of that. Till date, his knowledge of vehicle was of anything that moves on the road and sky. Now, he knows its possible to have ship, boat and ferry in water. Ship is now the keyword for him this week. He wants to get in the ship, a bigger ship next time, he says. Well, may be, lets see

Then after our trip back from yarra river cruise by ferry, which we considered ship, we got some free street entertainment. At the side of southgate precinct in city, a street performer was performing tricks. He swallowed 1 meter long balloon. He asked people to tie his hands, legs, and he was put on a sack and again bounded by a nylon rope and iron chain. After the pressure and excited got mounting with every bondage that increased on him, he got excited much more but Shubham started getting frightened. So this man will be the next thing for shubham. I guess, every parent sometimes use some 'fear factor' on their children when no coaxing, persuading works. So, probably, this 'chained man' will be his next 'hau guji'. I am not so much in favour of using fear to persuade children. But despite reading all parenting books and despite all the knowledge in book, there comes a time in a parents life when they begin to search for 'last resort' and usually it is the use of this 'fear factor'. It has been happening with us lately. Despite our very sweet, cute gentle and best mannered boy, as described by everyone who has seen him, only we know how difficult and how exhausting he can be at times. But , of course, shubham is shubham and we don't want him to be any different.

Coffe club with Shubham

Shubham today joined the rank of monash postgraduates. I took him to MPA coffee club that my buddy organizes. He has always been passionate about 'monash' at his tender age of 3. Everyday, when he sees his stroller leaving the way to go to monash, he laments ' i want to go to monash, take me to monash'. He will be happy just to go visit library, pick movies and sometimes to play with library computers.

Earlier days in January, when semester did not start, we used to put him over in one of those high chairs of Multimedia library and he would watch cartoon. He would put headphone in his head bigger than his head and watch like a very good boy. But later, he started to shout and cry and started treating monash like home. Then, it started become risky and we no longer do that.

Anyway, these experiences shows me that children learn so much more from exposure. I made a wise decision to bring him over to Melbourne. Now, he knows the distinction between Nepal and Australia. He misses his grandparents. Sometimes, when he is angry with us, ( he does that a lot, he twitches his eyes, flexes his cheeks and declares ' I am angry' ) . Then, he declares" I will catch a train to southern cross, then take a sky bus and then go to airport and take a plane to Nepal'. What a big threat!!!

The most patient supervisor in the world

I am lucky. I am writing a thesis, which is as complicated as I am, which is as unpredictable as I am. but I have a very patient supervisor, who undertands 'high' and 'low' of research cycle. She encourages me everytime and reassures me that I am doing a great job. It is her sole faith in me that keeps me going and writing. AS the submission date is looming near, I find myself cringing with fear. 3 months left whew, three months left to submit, three months left to pack, three months left to be back home, to my kathmandu, to my nepal, to my parents.