In defense of Teej

NOTE: The article appeared on the TEEJ ( 2013) in Kathmandu Post

In Defense of Teej

Sparkling bangles and bindis, women singing and dancing in odd places and times of the day in neighborhood, images of women in red sari taking over facebook timeline: festive season of Teej is here once more. Ask anyone about Teej, they are sure to have very passionate opinions about it: men or women, follower or non follower. Some are vehemently against it, some are ardently supporting it.  And in between that, some women like me do not know anymore whether to love or hate Teej. Coming into age in mid 1990s at the height of feminist movement, I still remember the passionate arguments of feminists against Teej.  Celebrating Teej was hailed as a symbol of patriarchy and conformation of the male domination by women. Indeed many of modern Nepali women do not agree with many of the ideologies and rituals of Teej. Over the time, one can see that Nepali women have embraced Teej with new meanings.  Thus, I find it necessary to examine some of the concerns and accusations directed towards women celebrating Teej. While I go on writing, I am aware that I will sound like a fanatic narcissist middle class women bent on defending her own brood.

Some sections of Nepali society are increasingly voicing their concerns about growing "bikriti" on the ways in which Teej is being celebrated these days.  The most frequent accusations hurled at women is about having Durr one month prior Teej. It is interesting to observe that it is mostly men who express these concerns.  Indeed every year, weeks before Teej, housewives do gather  to dance and eat in booming neighborhood party palaces.  Even offices with women staffs outnumbered by men organize Teej party over the lunch hours in office. High profile Teej parties are organized in five star hotels by upper class women. However, this year celebrations of Teej seems to have slowed down. Could it be effect of notice issued by Commission for the Abuse of Authority (CIAA)  warning women not to have parties, exceeding 50 people? It seems as if CIAA has nothing better to do than keep a watch on group of women dancing and singing to their heart's content. If they were really that serious about controlling the expenses in social events, they can start with their own staff's wedding, Brataman and Pasni parties.

I argue that current "durr" khane practice in urban areas like Kathmandu needs to be seen in the light of change in women's statuses and identities. Previously, women were limited in their home with identities of daughter, wife and daughter in-law. These days, women inhabit different public spaces with diverse identities. Their circle of people has gone beyond the boundaries of "maiti" and "ghar". They have school friends, college friends, work friends, activist friends.  And Teej parties, sometimes at home, sometimes at office, sometimes at party places, sometimes at restaurant becomes a place to meet, talk, eat, dance and get reconnected. Tell me, is there anything wrong with that? Aren't men always meeting with their friends to dance and eat in dohori restaurants, disco bars and resorts floundering their money?  Have we heard any organized criticism ever about this?

I wish to draw attention on the ways in which these durr parties have become platform for philanthropy.  Is it wrong for women with higher income to spend large amount of money for Durr parties in five star hotel not just to have fun by themselves but also to collect funds to support their less fortunate sisters? Since last couple of years, few groups of women have been organizing durr parties to collect fund to support women suffering from breast cancern and uterine prolapsed and so on. Similarly, many women organizations organize durr programmes in old age homes, orphanages and women's cells in prison. We should laud these efforts instead of criticism of same old lamentations " look at women singing and dancing one month before Teej".

There is yet another important but less discussed aspect of Teej. With growing international migration of Nepali people all over the world, Teej has surpassed national boundary. Disregarding ethnic and caste differences, every year NRN women organize different events weeks prior to Teej. For them, Teej does not simply mean feasting, fasting and dancing. Teej becomes a medium for them to remember home, to conform that they have not forgotten Nepal but rather it is very closer to their hearts. With Teej, they teach Nepali culture to their children. This form of Transnational Teej also becomes the medium for Nepali community to establish their identities amongst different cultural groups in their host countries. 

It is equally interesting to see that despite the patriarchal connotations , Teej has increasingly become the platform for activism to raise awareness on women's rights. Since last couple of years, I have been attending Teej programme organized by disabled women in Nepal. Women with disabilities wear beautiful saris, kurtas and dance incredibly in music. I see this programme as a challenge to stereotypical beliefs of "beauty", "perfect body" and "femininity". Every year, deaf women also organize Teej programme of their own. They usually start with the quiz competition followed by apple eating competition. I was fortunate to witness the party last year. One could see deaf women chatting away merrily in sign language looking beautiful and radiant in their bright red saris and Kurta Tops. Then, in the end they started dancing. Though their world was of silence, they kept on dancing to their inner sense of music. In a society, where women's body is scrutinized, controlled, violated and stigmatized, dancing in Teej allows us to be free: releasing our body from all its inhibitions and control. Dancing in Teej is about reclaiming our bodies from the tight scrutiny of the society.

So, on behalf of all women celebrating Teej, here is a request to all those self appointed gatekeepers of Nepali society. Stop butting in with your narcistic comments and advises about right way to celebrate Teej.  Women deserve to enjoy the Teej the way want because there is no single way to celebrate Teej. For each individual woman, Teej comes with different meanings and symbol every year.

Khanal is lecturer of Sociology, Tribhuvan University

Australia Award Queries

Australia award queries

Neeti Aryal Khanal

Mail2neeti@gmail.com

Being an alumni of Australia Awards, every year at the time of application, I receive many queries regarding the application process. I am more than happy to share my own experience and help in any way I can. But sometimes, it becomes very tedious to answer all the questions individually. Thus, I thought, it would be good idea to put all I know together for the purpose of information. The earlier version of the document was based on my earlier experience of being Masters by Research and Coursework student at Monash University. After being successful applicant of Australia Awards 2015 to pursue my PhD at Monash University again, I have decided to write an updated version of it. At the end of the document . I request all individuals reading this document to see this creation as my personal opinion and experience. This is not the sole source of information about scholarship. Please refer to concerned websites and guidelines to understand more about application process and requirements.

1.      Becoming sure about what you want to study

 First of all be sure yourself what kind of courses you want to take. The decision can be made by several factors. One important way is always to proceed ahead with the same discipline that you had taken in your bachelors or in masters. Australia offers different kinds of master's degree: 1) coursework 2) coursework and research 3) research. Do check eligibility criteria of these courses which will be clearly stated in university website. You can always drop in an email to the school or department you were applying. Locate the email that deals with admission related queries and ask them in time. But sometimes, people want to pursue different field of study than what they have originally pursued before. In this case, it may be good idea to link your interest and work experience with the studies with your experience. But do be sure to check eligibility criteria of the course you are applying for. Also consider the development priorities as stated in scholarship website to ensure that the course/research area you are pursuing is in line with the development priorities.

2.      Which University is good?”

The most frequent question I am asked is "which university is good". It is hard question to answer. But in Australia, 8 universities, often known as (group of eight) are considered the best. Google it to know more. However, applying to new universities has its own perks as well. But more than the university itself, it depends on the area of studies you want to pursue. Certain universities are considered of highest standard for certain discipline. A thorough internet search on this matter will answer your queries. While choosing the university, make sure that university is listed on the scholarship website as an approved university for receiving Australia Awards scholarship.

3.      How much experience is needed

Another question is about the experience. The level of experienced required by the scholarship applicant is clearly stated in the website of Australia Awards. 

4. Preparing ahead of time

 Book test for IELTS/TOEFL in time, it may be hard to get a date that is suitable for you if you do not book it in advance. We Nepalese have a way of doing everything at the last minute. Make a calendar of the activities you need to do. Contact the right people for your references. Often they have their own commitments and they may not always be able to provide you the reference letter within 1 or 2 days. Planning in advance into smallest details of all the activities you need to carry out will save you from trouble and tension of applying in the rush of deadline.

5. Focus on your essay

 Many people think that their job experience, their highest level of academic achievement may be more than enough for receiving scholarship. Sometimes, the way you answer the questions for scholarship essay may carry more significance. Start working on the essays early. Don't brag too much. Understand your limitations. Do not exaggerate at the same time, do not be too humble. I know it is a difficult balance to achieve but it works best in the long run. Be sure to state your achievements clearly and at the same time, do be clear about your future goals and plans. There is usually a question about what you will do after coming back to your country. Sometimes, we think that by saying "big" things we will impress the reviewer of scholarship. That is not always so. Think about what actually you can do? How you can make a difference? Break down your goals into series of achievable/doable activities and actions and then later transform it into a broader goal. That way, you will be clearly saying what exactly you can do, without bragging too much and at the same time not being too humble.

6. Be optimistic, be positive

 Try your best to do all that you can to develop a good application. But do not be disappointed if you are not successful this time. Applying for scholarship requires a great level of skill, and this skill is often gained by practice. By practice, I mean failing to receive few scholarships you applied for. Same was with me. Before I received Australian Leadership Awards, I had applied numerous scholarships but did not become successful. Then, for a while, I stopped applying and focused more on my work. I became engaged in research and activism. I took initiatives to start something in which there was almost no money. But these activities helped me to learn better and become a better person and to put in a nutshell perhaps a suitable candidate for scholarship. Thus, often application for scholarship and being successful in it may require certain level of skill and credibility.

7. Skills Required

Here I wish to list out some skills you can develop which will give you a better advantage than other applicants. But please do be aware that I am writing by my own experience and I may be wrong about some things and may have left about few more things.

A.      Leadership skills

 People, who are leaders, people who believe in change and those who always have new ideas and are concerned with the solutions rather than problems. The question remains how you demonstrate it. You may have initiated some activity, some project or idea that may have made a difference in your college, university and workplace. That is one of the reason, I always encourage my students to think beyond studies and think about what they can contribute to any kind of social cause. Over the years, I have seen many of these students who were engaged in these kinds of activities becoming far more successful than those students who cared only about studies.

B.      Research experience

Since scholarship is for academic degree, prior research experience, though even a very small one will always be a plus point for you.

C.      Publications

Publication in academic journals are preferred but for master's level, if you write in daily newspapers or even a blog which have a greater following will give you an edge, because with this you will be able to show that you have an ability of expressing your ideas clearly.

D.     Hard work: if you are a hard worker, if you are dedicated in what you do, ranging from your studies to your job and philanthropic activities, gives you a certain air of sincerity and confidence that is so genuine that you don't have to practice it to impress people in scholarship forms and interviews. It will come naturally to you.

E.      Vision for the development of the nation

You may have your personal reasons for pursuing further studies with scholarship such as getting good job, being settled abroad. But these personal reasons will not carry you that far. Government scholarships like Australia Awards are designed in such a way that there is a careful consideration of candidate's potentiality to contribute to the development of the country after being back home. So, last but not the least is to have a vision for what you can do in future to contribute to development of our country is most crucial.

8. Added information for PhD students ( Note: Australia Awards does not offer PhD anymore, this may be useful to apply other scholarships provided by Universities)

I became successful in Australia Awards 2015 to pursue my PhD at school of social science in Monash University. Though, I had in mind about other scholarships in other countries, I found Australia Awards best suited to my personal and professional needs. Here are some of the reflection on my journey towards PhD. All required information regarding PhD application is found on relevant university website and Australia Awards website. I refrain to make comments about the formal process as it can be different according to the university and the faculty you are applying for. I will just reflect on my own journey.

1. Proposal comes first

Sound, clear and well written proposal is one of the strongest consideration of your acceptance for supervision by potential supervisor. I refrain from commenting on how to write a proposal, but I can share how I did it myself. Being a Sociologist with strong interest on issues of women’s rights I have always been engaged in various research projects and have regularly but not so frequently written about issues that I think are important. Beyond that, I am keen to participate in various forms of discussion whether that on online forums or face to face coffee meetings that can go on for hours. All these have helped me to become sure about what I wanted to explore for my PhD topic. Two things are extremely crucial about choosing your topic, based on my personal experience. First thing is to choose something that you are really interested in. Four years is a long time to work on an issue that you are not passionate about. Second is to make sure that it aligns with the development priority. As you are applying for a scholarship that is a part of development funding.

2. On choosing supervisor

As a PhD student, choosing supervisor is the most important decision you will make. But how do you choose? By now, you will know that all universities in their webpage clearly state the research expertise and past publication of their faculty members. Besides that normal google scholar search query by the name of your intended supervisor will help you to be sure about the academic expertise of the supervisor. It is very important to be clear on your communication with your intended supervisor. It helps to mention that you intend to apply for Australia Awards Scholarship provided by Australian Government. It does not happen always and everywhere but chances are that if you mention this fact, there is probability of quick response from supervisors. Communicate early and well in advance with them as sometimes events such as mid semester break, Easter break will affect the early communication from your supervisors

All the best !!!

Open letter to Hurt "Ego"

Dear Hurt Ego

Move on, will you?

Proving your superiority of knowledge

Over somebody else's pain

And labelling that as a "thought" is not a problem

As, throughout the history of knowledge

Women's experience has been belittled

Invalid, unrealistic and little

So, we are kind of used to it.

Looks like the history has turned over

That you need to cry out loud

And even write a blog to prove your point

I guess, in the age of social media

When the voiceless have a new medium of a voice

And they cannot be easily silenced by people like you

Who work as a gatekeepers of knowledge

Who due to some weird reason have seen themselves

In the role of sanctioning, rationing and weighing the Truth

Its positive that there has come a point where people like you

Have to defend yourself from a so called tribe of people

Who are not uncomfortable to talk about the gross inequalities

That exist in our society

People, who acknowledge their privilege and double check it

Before they “shut up” the marginalized voice down

Sorry to hear that, but seems like the history has turned over

What was earlier a voice of authority, has merely found itself in a space of “sanctioned knowledge”

Live there for a while and realize

How it feels not being able to question

Not being able to argue

Not being able to discuss

And being told “shut up” all the time

Relish and live in these moments

Which are nothing compared to centuries of silence that we have endured

Finallly Sel Roti by Self

I am a daughter of mother, who always felt incompetent about her sel roti skills. She tried her best, year after year, with different recipes, different combination of flour, sugar and Ghee. But I liked it just the way she cooked it. It was hard to understand what the fuss was about. She lamented: it was not round enough. Sometimes, it was not soft enough. Sometimes it was not brown enough. Sometimes it was not joined properly. 

There came a point, she gave up. She started finding skilled sel roti makers on neighbourhood. Befriending them ahead of season, kajoling them with the gifts ( without exposing the hidden motive of course) of fresh vegetables from our garden, which is rarity in Kathmandu. Months before, she will prep up the mood, perhaps to discuss the time to cook Sel roti. For you see, This woman has a family of her own and has her own sel roti to cook for Laxmi Puja. I remember since early on, the mixture came in our family, I was the one asked to grind the flour. So, I gained some skills about the texture of the flour. I knew a bit about the combination of sugar and flour. But the actual act of making roti, with the bare hand, which could be scalded any minute: always defied me. It seemed to me everyone thought it was the ultimate epitome of the feminine skill that women in Nepal could possess: ability to make perfectly rounded, perfectly sized, perfectly soft, perfectly sweet Sel Roti.       

Since moving Abroad last two years, it was still a least of my worry. With one of the Nepali didi embodying these skills around, we could still taste roti and remember home and celebrate tihar. Specially when you are abroad, Sel roti becomes one of the chief medium that you experience Tihar with your taste and sense. Otherwise, Tihar seems non existent. None are the flowing marigold and supari fool in the market. You do not see glowing lights everywhere in the neighbourhood. You do not see Tihar ko Masala being sold in the market with special package you too. With all these sensory delights missing, Sel roti seems to be the ultimate experience. 

                                                                                         So, this year, I decided to take chance. Actually, having a husband who on and off has boasted his Sel roti skills, I had a back up sel roti maker. So, the day before laxmi puja, I prepared the batter. Shubham was away in Camp, that meant Soham turning all sweet and nice with me, helping me out and none of the crazy logics which he pulls through while Shubham is around, exerting their sibling power over me. So, we were one to one. I could work in peace preparing the batter, which I put away in fridge to be cooked on Friday evening. 

                                                                                After feeding Soham dinner ( which requires a lot of patience as he has developed a masterchef style food critique habits, who dissects my cooking into finest piece of commentary). Even the best food I cook meets with feedback like " It tastes great but................................" there it comes. So, after finishing that ordeal, a sudden inspiration hit me. I was armed with tips and suggestions from one of the top Op-Ed columnist in Nepal ( I will name her, with her permission later), I said, lets give it a try. So, I prepared mixture of batter in a very small bowl. I had a chop stick somewhere to be used as "Jhir" to take the roti out. The batter looked perfect, tasted perfect, what could possibly get wrong. So, with a soft take away bowl, I mustered the courage to pour very first roti. I needed someone there, beside me. I missed my mother. She would have guided me with her sympathetic voice. I missed my husband, who would have stood by me on this very testing feat. I missed Shubham, who would have said, " Relax, you can do this". But I had Soham. Then, I called him over. I said, "Soham, I need you beside me. Can you please pray". Then, interestingly he read a mantra " Bakratunda Mahakaya, Surya koti Samaprabha ". Interestingly, Mantra's meaning was so similar to what we were doing. The mantra called Lord Ganesha to  remove all obstacles on the way. I wonder, how Soham figured that out. Then, by miracle the roti was round and it cooked. It looked bit too flat, a little bit white. But it was a big feat for me. So, I made some more, and after making around 10 of them, I called a Nepali family to come home and taste. What is Sel roti, if not shared with other fellow Nepali.                                                                                              

I am not a highly religious person, often some of the religious rituals , I find tiring and taking too much effort. Now, gradually, I am learning it is a way we pass on our legacy to our children. It brings the family together. It adds to our experience and memories that we have of ourselves. So, perhaps now, I can join the gang of sel roti makers. It will take a while for me to be expert, may be years. But gone are the days , Sel Roti was Achilles hill. Yes, I can cook it, entirely on my own, of course with my loved ones by my side. And yes, life goal, is to teach my sons as well, who knows they may get married with a women who may not know how to cook sel roti: I will do this with all selfish desire for future my daughter-in-laws to thank me

        

A Happy Teacher's Day

I first thought I will write a simple "happy teachers day" status in facebook. As I started writing, I realized that I wanted to write more. So, here is the blog.

I just finished reading Dipesk Ghimire's article on "Guru Purnima" . Found in this link http://setopati.com/blog/31574/. He talks about the memories of his teachers and they are not happy memories. And each of us who are an adult at this age do not have happy memories of their teachers. I barely remember few teachers with fondness. We are the generation of violated children who took beatings, name callings and high level of psychological abuse in the name of "teaching" from our teachers. And sad thing to say, it continues to this day in many schools in Nepal. When are we going to change this? How can a child celebrate " Guru Purnima" with a memory of the beatings of cane in her hand. How can a child bow down to teachers in the day of Guru Purnima with memories of insult and disgrace he faced from that teacher. There is equally high level of sexual abuse experienced by particularly girl students from male teachers in Nepali schools.

I feel like I am living in the world of two contrasts. My childhood is so different to the childhood my two sons are experiencing currently. They are studying in Clayton North Primary School in Australia. My younger son Soham started his Foundation level from beginning of this year. He hardly knows how to write proper sentences. He does not know a lot of words that regular 6 year old currently studying in some of the schools in Kathmandu. Had Soham been in grade 1 studying in school in Kathmandu, I can say with certainty that reading and writing skills may have been better. I struggled a while to take stock of this fact. I was frustrated in the beginning. But the most interesting development I have seen in Soham is his deep love of learning. He is in charge of own learning. A child of that age has a "learning goal". He tries to reflect himself how much he knows and what he needs to learn next. The  emphasis on academic skills ( reading and writing) is there. But they are not considered the whole tenets of learning.

Just a week before, Soham received his first report card. The teacher carefully describes his personality. She writes about the development he has made in social skills. Soham has been encouraged to speak in front of his class many times speaking about his own project. Sometimes, he builds a musical instrument. He loves to read books and he reads at least 4 new books everyday at home. And he does not want to stop. And there in lies the secret of Australian Educational system. children are encouraged to develop their own interest. Each child is seen as an unique individual with different level of learning. And they are encouraged and nurtured to learn more.

 

Happy 6th Birthday Soham

Dear Soham

It's your sixth birthday. This time, you can read some of the words that I will be writing. 

I do not know how to start this blog. I remember you have changed so much, grown so much from last year to this year. Last year around this time, I was so worried about you. When we first came to Australia last year, you joined family day care everyday for 5 days. You were not every happy then. You wished to go to school with Dada. 

This year, finally you are doing it. Isn't it great. Also it has been a lot of relief to Ama and Buwa that you and Dada go to same school. You have same timings and you have same holiday. That is simply wonderful. 

Last year, you were struggling with limited English you had. Now, this year I have to be fearful of you forgetting Nepali. I like the way you say "So?" to some of my questions. It is funny and cute at the same time. There was a time when you were calling me "Man............", I told you I was "Woman", then you asked me whether it is okay to call me "dude". I said, I am happy being just "Ama". 

You are learning so many different words everyday. Your teacher says, you are learning very well. You by now know all your rocket words, alien words and star words, isn't that simply great. 

In music, it has been revolution of sorts. You went through all phases of music. Last year, you were  hooked to "Dhoom Machale" song by Hritik Roshan. And you were dancing non stop to same song more than 50 times a day. I had by then regarded Hritik as baby sitter, oh, how well he took care of you in those times, keeping you out of trouble and mischief, making you dance non-stop. Then, suddenly, this dhoom phase was over. Then, you turned into Namah Sivaya song. This one and half hour of chanting of Om Namah Sivay was welcome change in the beginning. But I came to a point when I was questioning whether I will remain atheist for too long if you continue like that. 

Then, without warning, once Dada introduced you to this song called " So stressed out" and then...............started the whole phase of you and Dada humming Stressed out non stop. The way I remember these days you are buffering between some weird Michael Jackson and Bon Jovi Songs, thank god for youtube and that little tab in youtube that allows you to do voice search. And doesn't that voice search sometimes act crazy giving you some totally weird funny results. 

Let me remember the highlights of this year with you. There was this phase of Nagging. Me and Shubham called it "Nyang Nyang", looks like it is gone for a while. 

Why I am writing all these stuffs for you is because I want to remember the way you were. And I also hope that you can see yourself the way you were. Because my son, time seems to be going so quickly these days. There was a time when I hoped you would grow up too soon. Now when I watch you being six year old in a blink of an eye, I wished time went bit slowly for me to enjoy your cuteness and funny questions. And you love me so much and you express so much of your love to me. You repeatedly tell me " I love you so much". Hug and kiss me so many times a day. And occasionally you tell me when I take you for a treat in Macdonald" you are such a good mom". 

What more can a mom ask for. Nothing more. You and Dada are the whole world to me and Buwa. Ouch, I am sorry, I feel like I left Buwa out of this. But you and Buwa share a special bond with each other. When you were little, Buwa was more of a mother to you than I was. He did everything that mother does to take care of a baby. And perhaps that is why, you have a soft and kind nature. But sometimes, I have to find them out. What I mean about it, you know right. 

Happy 10th Birthday Shubham

Dear Shubham
Happy 10th Birthday

Since last few years, I have started to write blog on your and Bhai's birthday. I am writing this today while you are in my office space 8th Floor in Menzies building, Monash University. You and Bhai are making some paper craft looking at youtube, while I am crazily writing for my next big deadline. 

Its not exactly an ideal birthday celebration, may be. But, we are celebrating this evening. Four of us sitting together, celebrating your presence in our lives. We will also call grandma and grandpa in Nepal and get their blessings. We will celebrate this with quietly, as we did last year. Hopefully, we can celebrate with big bang next year. 

From today, your age has become two numbers from one. This means you are growing up. Last year has been a roller coaster ride for us. Your birthday in Australia last year happened soon after we came back from Earthquake in Nepal. Handun Aunty had baked you a nice cake and we had a great time. Buwa was not with us. This year, Buwa is with us and we all can celebrate this together as a family. 

The reason I am writing this blog every year is because I want to document about your life. Your ninth year was eventful. Do you remember the "my choice" phase in your life last year? That was amazing time. Your favourate response to everything used to be " its my choice". I like that you know you have a "choice", but I also hope that you understand now that we also have a responsibility. Specially when we are in family, we all cannot do whatever we want in the time we want. But if we talk openly about what we are feeling, then we can always find the way to do things that we want. So, I just want to tell you that always always tell me what you are thinking, what you are feeling. And also share with  me about the problems you have. I may not be able to make them go away at once but I can always listen and perhaps we can find a way to solve them. 

The phase of "my choice" has somehow passed. You have been most amazing brother one could ever have. I still remember what Sheryn said when I went to pick you up from after school care. She said " I have never seen big brother like Shubham". She is absolutely right. The way you take care of Soham, the way you explain things to him, the way you remember him is so wonderful. You are helping him to read his book everyday. And he loves you million times over. He cares about you so much. And while I am writing this, he is actually making a card for you on his own. Isn't that so beautiful. 

With Buwa this year, you did so many different things together. First thing, you were his driving companion. Remember all those early mornings and late evenings you went with Buwa in Monash to help him practice. Buwa says and we all know, one of the reasons why Buwa drives so well now is because of your support. You know so much about the car, that is simply adorable. You are the engineer of our family. When we need to fix anything, you are our guy. Remember how you took leadership to fix the bunk bed. That was so admirable. Remember you fixed our new TV and DVD set looking at the figure drawn by our neighbours. We hope you will learn new things and keep on your passion on these things. 

You are amazing Son any parent could be proud of. You are very kind to everyone. You are patient. You  listen to people. You love your family. We pray that you continue to be the kind of person you are. We love you a lot dearest Shubham. Happy 10th Birthday

International Women's Day 2016

On the Eve before International Women's Day, I reflect on my own identity of being a woman. I salute to all mothers, grandmothers and great great grandmothers who planted tiny seeds of rebellions that culminated into a movement that is still ongoing. My respects to them that I could live in the time when educating daughters was no more unusual. I came of age in time when working outside home was more "normal" than staying back home. Not to forget though the double burden of juggling home and professional world. Women of my generation's biggest challenge has been to balance two contrasting roles with little structural change and shift in gender ideology. I hope that things will improve for better as men of new generation will adjust to these new changes in marriage, family and childcare patterns.

Reflecting on my own personal journey, I cannot help but feel proud of the journey I made. But this was not accidental. My parents were major influence. They knew the importance of good education in today's world. My father injected a strong sense of "ambition" and importance of financial independence. He also emphasized on doing more and importance of hard work and of course self discipline. He would tell me, "life is not going to be easy, it will get more complex", I understood it early somehow that the domesticity was not for me. Even my mother who was uneducated herself despite being born as daughter of respected Sanskrit Scholar and priest of his time. She feared, I would end up like her. She would furiously urge me to study, do better, be best even. After several decades, writing this note, in the computer of Australia's one of the best Universities, I cannot help but pay homage to their love and persistence which I often found irritating and problematic in my younger days. I pay respects to my teachers, good ones and bad ones. They all had a role to play. I am thankful to my two friends specially Laxmi and Hajuri who somehow felt "I will go a long way". And part of me that continues to keep going is also because I wish to be worthy of the dreams that they saw for me. And not to forget my beautiful family of my husband and two sons. Somehow they have been keeping up with these roller coaster rides that I have gotten myself into. Hopefully, in few years or so, our family lives will be less unsettling and more normal. That's a hope. In between these hopes is a tiny dream also to raise my son as feminists. Through small self experiments and coaching of other fellow mothers, I am trying gradually to make my sons understand the challenges of this world. I hope they will grow up to be feminist men who would lead by setting themselves as an example.

However World is still far from equal, as recently released World Economic Forum Report, it will take another 118 years before women could be treated equally at the rate of progress. Does this mean that only our great granddaughters will be able to live in the just and equal world. Do we just wait for this to happen or we try our best to make it happen. This necessitates that we work harder. I want to see the world as a equal place to live in, in my own life time.

Confession of an Ambitious Mom and the new parenting experiment

I am mother of two wonderful boys Shubham and Soham. They are the light of my life. Me and Dadhi are not perfect parents. We neither pose to be one. We have our own flaws. Sometimes, we cannot always keep promises to our children. But we try to do what is good for them, their present and future. 

This morning, while waiting for the meeting that was running too late, I  posted couple of videos of my children performing in Public. First video was the spiritual mantra chanting in Birthday of my dearest friend Radhika's Twins Kris and Kristy. Another was a singing bowl performance by my younger son Soham. Next was the performance by Shubham in Tabla. With each like after like that is flooding in my facebook, I reflect on our parenting journey and wish to share you something. 

We are not writing this from a perspective of liberated parents who have achieved the height of success in parenting. We do not suffer from such delusions. Me and Dadhi talk into late nights about the issues and challenges of raising two sturdy not so patient and obedient boys who want to have fun. And there is where Me and Dadhi want to achieve something impossible but doable: create the balance between the fun and learning. Or may be redefining the whole idea about "fun" itself. 

I shudder if my children understand the idea of fun as watching non stop youtube videos or playing non stop games unsupervised in Ipad. That is why, we try our best to make time for them to explore the places around them. If we cannot go anywhere, we visit the library and they play with water foundation non stop. And sometimes we curl together in Sofa to enjoy the cartoon together. I usually watch most of the DVDs together so that we can talk and reflect about it later. 

I received lot of comments about our children's Talent. In our society, we have indoctrinated beliefs about natural talent. Yes, the source of talent could be natural. For instance someone is born with a very beautiful voice. But the natural talent itself does not take you anywhere. Good artists are born out of continued practice and persistence. Shubham Soham's performances ( they are still learning, and I hope they understand that they will learn forever) are result of regular practice. We hope that Shubham Soham learn value of hard work. 

We try to use MOTIVATION to make them practice. It would be inconceivable that children would practice on their own. They will not. We have to create a situation and context for them to practice. I have often heard parents lament at their children "gardai gardaina". Shubham Soham's motivation  to practice was a reward that we will promise ( simple not so big things like buying a toy, taking out for Pizza, not so frequent visit to simple things like going to Macdonald) . I know in the outset, it feels like we are pushing our kids too hard. But within that comes a valuable lesson for the lifetime. Nothing comes easy. They will learn to value to hard work. And also they will have sense of achievement : they were rewarded because of their hard work. 

The reason we are encouraging Shubham Soham to learn music is because it is a universal language. They may not pursue their career in music later on, or they could. I suspect Soham will be a movie actor with so much drama he creates everyday. I hope with Music Shubham Soham will learn about inner peace that comes with music. I myself grew up in that environment. I learned to play harmonium since age of 4. I also learned singing classical Indian Raga. There was a time my friends were bewildered when I had music classes every morning ( about 45 minutes walk from home) before school. I somehow used to manage to reach school in time ( which was 30 minutes walk from home).  That was my learning on time management, which is still one of my challenges. 

Lately, Shubham and Soham have been saving their money for buying Ipad. Though, I could very well buy them one right away. But, We have developed a plan for it. Now, Shubham Soham's biggest goal at the moment is to have their own Ipad. And for that, they know they have to work hard. They are collecting their own money for this purpose. They have accumulated some AUD $ from gift money in festivals, from kind uncles who rewarded them for performance and very kind Aunty Radhika who specially increased their fund asking me to open an account for them. Now, Dadhi and I have started a rewarding system for their problematic behaviours like constant fighting with each other, Soham's constant sulking and fussing. They earn their rewards in ($) every week for their good conduct which will help them to increase their Ipad fund. Reviewing the progress, I will definitely add the remaining amount if their progress is very satisfying. 

With this new reward system, I feel now I have to speak less. I do not have to ask them to do things repeatedly. It was frustrating situation both for me and them. Now, the behaviour chart motivates them to behave well. They know it will be for their own good, if they behave well. They understand that if they have good behaviour they will be rewarded. I know it seems as if we are teaching them obvious. Does it mean that they will stop behaving good when there is no reward. As Bimal Dai  ( who introduced the system to me  explained to me patiently: These good behaviour that was rewarded in the long run, becomes their habit, which I realize is true. 

However, one word of caution about this system is that you have to be the role model. Parents are too critical about their own children, constantly criticizing their bad behaviour. But they do not check their behaviour themselves.  If we want that our children have certain characteristics , first we have to cultivate in ourselves. Children will simply copy. I am in more trouble now, keeping in check my anger, my frustrations, my sloppiness, lack of tidiness, my mobile behaviour, my homework, my reading that I realize that this behaviour chart is more for me than Shubham Soham. Let it be so.