Experience of Nepali women in Academia

Note: This article was published in Kathmandu post available in following link http://www.ekantipur.com/2012/02/10/oped/a-day-in-the-life/348694.html

Nepali Women in Academia: Negotiating in between their private and personal lives

-Neeti Aryal Khanal

(mail2neeti@gmail.com)

Women in academia in Nepal are almost as rare as red pandas of our Himalayas. The participation of women in education sector in Nepal, particularly in school education is promising. But there are limited numbers of women academics, particularly in postgraduate level in Nepal.

Taking a feminist perspective, it can be argued that the very nature of academia itself is masculine. Feminist epistemology, a theory of knowledge argues that men have always been knower and knowledge generators. Women were not regarded as knower as in early years, knowledge of women were based on their embodied experience of being a woman (wife, mother). It is only since recently that the number of women students in higher education is increasing. In universities in developing countries, it is no more surprising to find number of women academic exceeding that of male academic. However, in Nepal that scenario is changing but in very slow pace. Still in some of the department in our universities, one may not be surprised to find very few numbers of women academics.

In higher education system in Nepal, a complex ideology of gender and knowledge come into play due to which an experience of women academic is very different from that of male academics. Let me start with first impressions. As it is said, first impression is often the last. Impressions are created by how we dress and interact. The issue of impression is what plagues most of the new women lecturers who are in initial stages of their career. Here, I would like to share my own personal experience which I have found common among many Nepali women academics.

It was somewhere in 2004 that I had recently finished Masters in sociology and was offered to teach in one of the newly opened private programme in Masters in Sociology. At that time, I was thin and lean (minus the experience and fat I gained post marriage and motherhood). When I attended my very first faculty member meeting, prior to start of course, I was advised by my seniors (not with any ill intention though) to wear a sari while teaching. I perhaps had bought this situation upon myself. I had gone to the meeting wearing pants (not jeans, god forbid!) and perhaps looked more like a student than a lecturer. Wearing sari is in fact much more than draping a 5 meter colorful piece of cloth around your body. Apart from women ascetics who wear orange and white robes, for us materialistic women, wearing sari brings in whole new set of demands on our wardrobe and toilette. I can almost feel women readers nodding their head in empathy. For sari, you need to know how to shop well for all sorts of materials ranging from bindi, bangles, necklace, and above all shoes (heels preferred, a torture to someone who needs to stand for more than an hour to deliver the lecture). Then comes make up. The idea is to make up in such a way that is not noticeable but still traceable. The right way to make up for women academic is just to give a hint of femininity, but at the same time an academic seriousness, a contradiction in itself. In this way, I argue that women academic experience challenge to negotiate between their femininity and masculine nature of the academia. While, I am writing along these lines, I can almost hear you lamenting on this lengthy monologue of mine. That is exactly the point. For an academic in any subject what matters is locating the materials, reading them, analyzing them and plan how you will present and involve class in the discussion. But for women academic, it is not that simple and straightforward. For women academics, deciding what to wear and how to wear takes up as much time as what and how to teach during initial classes until we prove our worth. It is in those times, I envy male academics, for whom decision is only about choosing between jeans or cotton pant.

Another common experience of Nepali women academic is that students do not take them seriously in the beginning (please note the emphasis). The common scenario of their very first class is a buzzing murmur at the back of the class, a stifling giggle on the front row, dragging sounds of benches and desks for several minutes. Imagine trying to teach in this situation. The very first class of women academic starts with an unspoken but obvious doubt among students in her ability to teach, and to teach well. I distinguish between the two terms (teach and teach well) because in Nepali context they have two different meanings. Well, there are many people, who can just teach but they rarely involve students in the learning process. Besides the unidirectional teaching method of our university systems rarely gives us opportunity to involve students in learning process. But a good teacher who is sincere towards his/her profession finds ways to make learning more interesting and engaging students in the learning process. Thus, I argue that for male academic, it is already given that they can teach, they need to work hard further to prove that they can teach well. But women academic need to start from square one: to prove that we can teach. After establishing this, then only we can move towards the acceptance that we can indeed teach well. While writing these lines, I convey my respects to few pioneer women academics in Nepal who have proved through their hard work that indeed women academic can teach well and have made emerging women academic like us to make the path easier than before.

Another area I wish to bring into discussion is lack of working space in universities in Nepal. Universities in Nepal are not designed to enable professors/lecturers to pursue their academic work in their own departments. Physical infrastructures of many of our departments comprise of classrooms, an office for the department head, and a common meeting room with a small lounge. If only our departments had a staff room in which each of us faculty member have a small cubicle comprising of computer with high speed internet ( minus the facebook) and a shelf for our books. It may take a while to realize this dream but till then whatever works that requires us Nepali academics to prepare for the class and other academic activities such as research and writing has to be done from home. So, when women academic need to work from home, a complex ideology of gender division of labor comes into play. Reading at home, amidst the cries of a toddler and whistles of your pressure cooker with dalbhaat ( blame that to load shedding, for women can no longer cook in rice cooker) is not just done. On top of that, guests and neighbor come in and when they see you at home, they say" oh, you are free today, not going to university?" It takes a while for us to explain that we are at home: to read, to locate the material for that lecture, to make slides for the lecture, to make a memo of important points for discussion. I am not generalizing here but I believe that for male academic in Nepal, often there will be a wife behind who will hush her children to go play in another room as "papa" is studying. For an academic mom, perhaps things are not that simple. Somehow, academic mother manages to read for her lecture in between heating the oil in the pan and dropping vegetable with whoosh, cooking meal for kids to send them to school, and feeding milk to the toddler in her lap. And at the end of the day, after feeding the family, washing the dishes, settling her kids into sleep, with a big sigh of relief she opens her book late into the night to prepare for the next day's early class in the morning.

Writer is lecturer at Central Department of Sociology/Anthropology, Tribhuvan University.

Experience of Nepali women in Academia

Note: This article was published in Kathmandu post available in following link http://www.ekantipur.com/2012/02/10/oped/a-day-in-the-life/348694.html

Nepali Women in Academia: Negotiating in between their private and personal lives

-Neeti Aryal Khanal

(mail2neeti@gmail.com)

Women in academia in Nepal are almost as rare as red pandas of our Himalayas. The participation of women in education sector in Nepal, particularly in school education is promising. But there are limited numbers of women academics, particularly in postgraduate level in Nepal.

Taking a feminist perspective, it can be argued that the very nature of academia itself is masculine. Feminist epistemology, a theory of knowledge argues that men have always been knower and knowledge generators. Women were not regarded as knower as in early years, knowledge of women were based on their embodied experience of being a woman (wife, mother). It is only since recently that the number of women students in higher education is increasing. In universities in developing countries, it is no more surprising to find number of women academic exceeding that of male academic. However, in Nepal that scenario is changing but in very slow pace. Still in some of the department in our universities, one may not be surprised to find very few numbers of women academics.

In higher education system in Nepal, a complex ideology of gender and knowledge come into play due to which an experience of women academic is very different from that of male academics. Let me start with first impressions. As it is said, first impression is often the last. Impressions are created by how we dress and interact. The issue of impression is what plagues most of the new women lecturers who are in initial stages of their career. Here, I would like to share my own personal experience which I have found common among many Nepali women academics.

It was somewhere in 2004 that I had recently finished Masters in sociology and was offered to teach in one of the newly opened private programme in Masters in Sociology. At that time, I was thin and lean (minus the experience and fat I gained post marriage and motherhood). When I attended my very first faculty member meeting, prior to start of course, I was advised by my seniors (not with any ill intention though) to wear a sari while teaching. I perhaps had bought this situation upon myself. I had gone to the meeting wearing pants (not jeans, god forbid!) and perhaps looked more like a student than a lecturer. Wearing sari is in fact much more than draping a 5 meter colorful piece of cloth around your body. Apart from women ascetics who wear orange and white robes, for us materialistic women, wearing sari brings in whole new set of demands on our wardrobe and toilette. I can almost feel women readers nodding their head in empathy. For sari, you need to know how to shop well for all sorts of materials ranging from bindi, bangles, necklace, and above all shoes (heels preferred, a torture to someone who needs to stand for more than an hour to deliver the lecture). Then comes make up. The idea is to make up in such a way that is not noticeable but still traceable. The right way to make up for women academic is just to give a hint of femininity, but at the same time an academic seriousness, a contradiction in itself. In this way, I argue that women academic experience challenge to negotiate between their femininity and masculine nature of the academia. While, I am writing along these lines, I can almost hear you lamenting on this lengthy monologue of mine. That is exactly the point. For an academic in any subject what matters is locating the materials, reading them, analyzing them and plan how you will present and involve class in the discussion. But for women academic, it is not that simple and straightforward. For women academics, deciding what to wear and how to wear takes up as much time as what and how to teach during initial classes until we prove our worth. It is in those times, I envy male academics, for whom decision is only about choosing between jeans or cotton pant.

Another common experience of Nepali women academic is that students do not take them seriously in the beginning (please note the emphasis). The common scenario of their very first class is a buzzing murmur at the back of the class, a stifling giggle on the front row, dragging sounds of benches and desks for several minutes. Imagine trying to teach in this situation. The very first class of women academic starts with an unspoken but obvious doubt among students in her ability to teach, and to teach well. I distinguish between the two terms (teach and teach well) because in Nepali context they have two different meanings. Well, there are many people, who can just teach but they rarely involve students in the learning process. Besides the unidirectional teaching method of our university systems rarely gives us opportunity to involve students in learning process. But a good teacher who is sincere towards his/her profession finds ways to make learning more interesting and engaging students in the learning process. Thus, I argue that for male academic, it is already given that they can teach, they need to work hard further to prove that they can teach well. But women academic need to start from square one: to prove that we can teach. After establishing this, then only we can move towards the acceptance that we can indeed teach well. While writing these lines, I convey my respects to few pioneer women academics in Nepal who have proved through their hard work that indeed women academic can teach well and have made emerging women academic like us to make the path easier than before.

Another area I wish to bring into discussion is lack of working space in universities in Nepal. Universities in Nepal are not designed to enable professors/lecturers to pursue their academic work in their own departments. Physical infrastructures of many of our departments comprise of classrooms, an office for the department head, and a common meeting room with a small lounge. If only our departments had a staff room in which each of us faculty member have a small cubicle comprising of computer with high speed internet ( minus the facebook) and a shelf for our books. It may take a while to realize this dream but till then whatever works that requires us Nepali academics to prepare for the class and other academic activities such as research and writing has to be done from home. So, when women academic need to work from home, a complex ideology of gender division of labor comes into play. Reading at home, amidst the cries of a toddler and whistles of your pressure cooker with dalbhaat ( blame that to load shedding, for women can no longer cook in rice cooker) is not just done. On top of that, guests and neighbor come in and when they see you at home, they say" oh, you are free today, not going to university?" It takes a while for us to explain that we are at home: to read, to locate the material for that lecture, to make slides for the lecture, to make a memo of important points for discussion. I am not generalizing here but I believe that for male academic in Nepal, often there will be a wife behind who will hush her children to go play in another room as "papa" is studying. For an academic mom, perhaps things are not that simple. Somehow, academic mother manages to read for her lecture in between heating the oil in the pan and dropping vegetable with whoosh, cooking meal for kids to send them to school, and feeding milk to the toddler in her lap. And at the end of the day, after feeding the family, washing the dishes, settling her kids into sleep, with a big sigh of relief she opens her book late into the night to prepare for the next day's early class in the morning.

Writer is lecturer at Central Department of Sociology/Anthropology, Tribhuvan University.

Motherhood: guilt and dreams

From morning To night

I rush through life

That is a chaos

Created on my own choice

I know my precious one

You want me

Just to be with you

Hold your hand

Cradle you into sleep

Just to be with you

And marvel at your

Gestures that you learn everyday

The first instance you smiled

The first words you uttered

The first step you took

You want me

To play with you

And be like you

Innocent, full of marvel

And wonder at the world

But somehow I am caught up

In this web of responsibilities and obligations

Everything has become a “task”

To get over with

To complete

To finish

Sometimes even caring for you

Becomes a mere activity

But today my dear

I leave everything

I close my computer

Turn off my phone

And just take that walk

I have wanted to take since long

I will walk with you outside the door

Holding your little hands

I will let you take me

where you want

I will be beside you

To see things that you discover

and point out in the way

I might forget camera

But I will remember

Your pure, selfless smile

In my heart

And keep it there

To keep me sane enough

To rejoin the crazy hectic world again

Seminars in Nepal: Mr. Know Alls, Ramblers and Super Experts

This article was published on Republica daily, available at following link

http://archives.myrepublica.com/portal/index.php?action=news_details&news_id=30808

Seminars in Nepal: Mr. Know Alls, Ramblers and Super Experts

For an ‘academic’ or rather someone who pretends to be one, participation in seminars and conferences is a regular occurrence in my life. A successful conference is one that contributes to knowledge and initiates constructive debate on a subject area. And of course, quality of the lunch counts too, after all who would have patience to listen and talk in an empty stomach. In this article, I wish to discuss some regular scenes and characters we regularly see in seminars in Nepal.

In Nepal, we do not have frequent number of academic seminars as we would like. Most of them are usually organized by NGO wallas, this invites a mixture of people from all different sorts of backgrounds and involvement. I would like to focus more on presenter and audience interaction that happens during the seminars and conferences.

One of the important factors for presenter to attend academic conference is to get an opportunity to present one’s work among a larger group of audience with diverse academic experience and interest. One expects to get some form of feedback, suggestions and ideas and possibly get to know people who are doing something similar.

The most distressing thing for presenter is to be asked question by an audience who hardly paid attention during presentation. These audience often ask repetitive question which have already been spoken by the presenter. I have often witnessed presenters being drilled with harsh criticisms and comments, which are often personal. Audience should be able to comment in an objective way focusing on the content of presentation. Due to these problems, presenters are often forced to present in defensive note. Based on observation of some of conferences I attended, I identify three different groups of audience based on the nature of interaction with the presenter.

Almost all of us have encountered Mr. Know all (in Nepal it is hard to find Mrs. Know all as very few women audiences speak during interaction session) whose main aim is to show just how smart they are. They have opinion on everything, which is not bad thing actually as long as it is based on some form of research and life experiences. Sometimes Mr. Know Alls are bent to embarrass the presenters by making remarks about the inadequacy of presenter’s work. They often comment that the presenter has not covered certain aspect which they think is important. Mr. Know Alls, fail to see that each research has its own limitations and has a certain way of inquiring into subject matter. Often these people comment that presenter’s data is too small and again fail to recall that the presenter said it was qualitative research. These Mr. Know Alls also fail to see that however broader the presenter’s research may be, due to time limitation of the presentation, presenters can hardly cover everything that they are investigating. Thus, it would be more effective if Mr. Know Alls contemplate on what they know first based on their research and life experience, then only venture to ask questions.

Another regular characters of Nepali seminars are Babblers. They stand up, give their introduction and begin to babble for next 5-10 minutes. The presenter and other people the moderator on the panel make a futile attempt to redirect this Babbler but without success. A lengthy monologue ends and presenter is forced to ask the Babbler again ‘what is it that you asked?’ Which of course is about to prompt the Babbler to speak for next few minutes with an intellectual smirk in his face. Fortunately, one of the panelists come to rescue and asks one ready made question on behalf of our Babbler. So, these Babblers are keen for limelight, they want to show they can speak but hardly they make a plan about what and why they are speaking for. Babblers sometimes bring interesting twist to conference but often they embarrass other people and themselves by such behavior. It would be great if Babblers formulate a clear question they wish to ask and re-check if it is anywhere relevant to presenter’s work.

Another brand of audience we can see is Super Expert. Normally, expert means having expertise in particular area and subject. However, this Super Expert we often encounter in conferences professes and pretends to be expert in almost everything that is even slightly related to their area. They have exclude image of authority and diffuse a certain air of intellectuality. They regards it their duty to inform, dissect and suggest anyone who happens to be presenting. Their targeted victims are usually fresh graduates and wannabes researcher. Super expert’s major objective of participating in seminar and conference is to assert their importance and contribution in their field. It would be great if Super Expert reflect on their own past when they presented in a seminar with their trembling heart and fluttering hands.

There may be more than these three groups of audiences that I have encountered till date. I am not saying that these kinds of audience are altogether wrong in their approach. What I am intending to show is that the audience should give a minimum level of credibility to presenter for his/her efforts. The inquiry should be directed in such a way that would help both audience and presenter to broaden their knowledge in particular area they are interested in. The discussion session will be more fruitful if an audience asks in such a way that enables presenters to clarify his subject area more broadly, which might have been left out in presentation. With this discussion, I am bracing myself up for my next presentation and curious about what other kinds of audience I would encounter in future.

Parenting experience in Nepal

Note: this article was published on Kathmandu post dated 13th November 2011, available in following link http://epaper.ekantipur.com/ktpost/showtext.aspx?boxid=1324484&parentid=14462&issuedate=13112011

When kids become sick: Dhup batti, Abipattikar churna and Azithromycin

-Dadhiram Khanal and Neeti Aryal Khanal

Ask any parent about their worst experience. Child’s sickness: that will be their definite answer. Didn’t we believe during those early happy days of a new parent, that dealing with dirty nappies/diapers and wailing at midnight is only for couple of years? After that, we were supposed to be as carefree as before. But soon enough we know that children, sick at any age are handful. So, extend your deadlines, postpone your weekend plans and forget your favorite TV shows. Your mobile is suddenly in control of little hands, and you are in no position to protest or negotiate. Don’t be surprised if your colleague calls you in not so pleasant voice and ask about numerous missed calls and blank messages. Don’t let weird ringtones and peculiar profile settings deter you either.

The issues that we are discussing in this article may not be representative for all Nepali parents. But chance meeting and sharing with parents in waiting rooms in hospital confirms that many middle class working parents undergo similar dilemmas and experiences.

First of all, when a child becomes sick, the first thing we usually do is search for reasons. Ask any doctor, one of the definite answers will be germs or virus. Many of previous generation of our parents strongly believe on influence of food habits and perhaps some of them even believe in concept of “evil eye”, ankha lagne. Thus, modern ajabholika Nepali parents like us have a unique way of looking at and dealing with children’s sickness. Here, we share the whole emotional drama of parent’s lives surrounding children’s sickness.

Investigation for reasons starts every time our five year old son starts coughing or sneezing. Was that the fistful of chocolate he ate coaxing his hajurama? Or was it the whole bottle of cold water he insisted in drinking claiming that he was too thirsty for warm water? Or was it because he was playing outside in cold evening without his cap? So it goes on. After the end of this mini-research, we start rehearsing an agreed version of “what went wrong” to retell it to the inquiring neighbors, relatives and pediatrician we may soon visit. But often, we are too troubled by the little one’s misery and discomfort that we do not know what to say.

The most recurring debate surrounding children’s treatment is over the merit of Ayurvedic vs Allopathic medicine. In our home, it occurs in divergent intensity depending on the level of the sickness. Our son’s hajurbuwa strongly believes in the power of the herbs and he himself is somewhat a self taught kabiraj. Often, visiting relatives swear by his self prepared concoction, Pachak to cure any tummy problem of kids and adults. Even our mother says that “kabiraj” medicine though working slowly always goes to the root of the problem whereas doctor’s medicine does not. So, mild sicknesses are often convincingly cured by some churna, bati and ras.

Sometimes, you are caught unaware when kids fall seriously ill often at the most hectic week at your work, as it happens with us now and then. We visit our trusted Pediatrician, who really listens. He seldom snatches his pad for hasty prescription of antibiotics within two minutes of consultation. But in serious illness, one has to give in to antibiotics despite all that apprehensive feeling of a parent on its supposedly negative effects. We have often heard few parents’ emotional turmoil over wrong diagnosis, sometimes at cost of child’s health. Often, parents consult multiple doctors all in good faith but are terribly confused with divergent diagnosis.

So, going back to our household drama, hajurama just doesn’t trust on power of kabiraj and doctor saab alone. For her dear naati, she is willing to go an extra mile and hail over all gods and goddesses she knows. Thus, usually the treatment starts with chants of mantra along with lighting Nepali paper incense, Bateko dhup and moving it over the body of the sick child. Definitely reminds us of some shamanic rituals of yesteryears, isn’t it? Earlier as new parents, we regarded it as useless superstitious gesture. But with time, we have learnt to accept and respect her efforts. Firstly, it makes her feel better that she is doing something worthwhile for recovery of her grandchild. Secondly, even our son is emotionally strengthened by his hajurama’s selfless efforts. Thirdly, may be somewhere out there god is really listening to us. Then grandpa joins in with his recommendation of some churna, bati and ras. But in times of prolonging sickness, hajurbuwa gives in to doctor sab’s Azithromycin. But definitely, he would soon start his ayurvedic practice after this bout of illness is over. His concern is on building immunity power of his nati. Soon the daily dosage of lip smacking Chyawanparash and not so yummy Abipattikar churna will start under hajurbuwa’s careful supervision.

And then, after about a week of sleepless nights and mobileless days, we go back to our normal selves. Of course, there will be chocolates, cold water and lot of playing without the cap on, all behind our back. After few months, there will be a cough here and a sneeze there. Then we know it would be time to roll up our sleeves, give up our mobiles and get ready for another roller coaster ride that parenting entails.

Disclaimer: The medicines discussed in the article are used as example only and in no way should be understood as prescribed medicines.

As parents of two children, the writers love to discuss different issues relating to parenting in Nepal. They can be reached at apednepal@gmail.com.

Love in fiction and reality

Wrong were those romantic

Films and stories

Where love is all about

Flowers, chocolates and stars

In real life,

“love “ is rarely the same

It changes its definition everyday

With you my dear

Love is all about

How we look at each other

In silence and understand

Exactly how the other is feeling

With you my dear

Love is all about

The way sometimes

We don’t walk together

Yet we know that we are

Moving towards same destination

With you my dear

Love is all about

Forgetting to give me

Flowers in my birthday

But standing beside me

Always in my trials and success

With you my dear

Love is all about

Nourishing our feelings

Through our children

Teaching them values of

Loyalty, trust and faith

With you my dear

Love is all about

Writing this poem

While cooking curry

And burning it

And you eating it

With a wicked smile.

Motherhood vs. Career

Note: this article was published on kathmandu post available on following link http://epaper.ekantipur.com/ktpost/showtext.aspx?boxid=13136921&parentid=12342&issuedate=2962011

Eons ago, my father asked me a very interesting but a contradictory question. He asked whether I wanted to get married or have a successful career. Like a typical Nepali father, he was concerned that should I be career oriented, I may pass a certain age and thus will not be so ‘saleable’ for ‘good’ marriage. And should I get married early, I may not be able to develop career. So, this long discussion turned into a page of a diary and later into an article. I wrote about marriage vs. career dilemma, truly reflecting my own particular situation at that time. I had talked about how getting married before building a career was disastrous for women like us who wanted to ‘be something’ and to create a different story than our mothers ‘housewife’ history. My remedy for the situation was simple enough reflecting my naivety and inexperience of unmarried state. I thought “putting a first step in career and getting married to man who encourages pursuing our career” was the perfect solution. And I was lucky for actually doing that. Now after six years of marriage and five years of motherhood, I feel the need to shift the debate of ‘marriage vs. career’ to that of ‘motherhood vs. career’.

By career, I am of course not talking about any regular job. Career is something that we love to do, even for free. It is something that truly reflects our interest and skills. Speaking truly, from vantage point of this supposedly privileged Bahun woman with higher education, I dare say unlike my male counterparts working is regarded as option for women. That is another reason; I prefer the word career rather than the job. So, this article is based on my own experience and also other several friends and colleagues of mine whom I admire for being able to perform this tightrope act of juggling in between motherhood and career in challenging situations.

Still in Nepal, marriage and motherhood is considered a natural life course for women. So, called ‘modern Nepali woman’ has to juggle in between her public and private lives like a pro. Women are expected to get married, have children and perfectly manage all that with their even more demanding career. If we be too career oriented and put off motherhood, there is constant bickering and whispers behind our back speculating our reproductive ability. And again, there is this whole business of ‘biological clock’ that is constantly ticking on the back of our mind warning date expiry of our ‘eggs’. Taking all these things in consideration, many women become mothers just when they are about to ‘be somewhere’ in the long ladder of career. Then, starts this challenge: maintaining very difficult balance between our motherhood and career.

First thing first, the most important factor for a woman to continue her career is maternity leave.
Unfortunately, only government offices and few private job providers have facility of maternity leave in Nepal. If our office have this facility, great. If it does not, then it is simply ‘ stay back home’ for couple of months or even years battling this constant anxiety of ‘being back’ into the public world. It takes a long time for a new mother to find another job and it is most likely that she will have to make lot of compromises. There is also a prevalent social ideal which puts us in doubt about our decision of ‘being back’. Women who decide to be back in job market before their children reach the first year are usually taunted with being too selfish and career oriented to leave tiny dudhe baccha behind . Obviously we do not need people telling us how difficult it is for new mothers to leave their infants to join work. Every time one’s breast becomes heavy with milk, you feel guilty all over again for being ‘selfish’. But there is little choice. It is either have courage to manage career with motherhood, or just be left behind.

This issue is also a major problem for new mothers; especially those who are breastfeeding and wish to continue to do so even when they are working. Breastmilk is undoubtedly the most important food for infants below six months. When I had my first baby five years ago, I did not know I could continue to breastfeed my child even I was away for work. It was only last year after I had my second child that I came to know about express breastfeeding. When I resumed my work after two months, I practiced express breastfeeding till six months. Though, it was obviously challenging and difficult. However, it helped me battle my ‘guilt’ over leaving my child so early for work.

The second challenge is finding the right caretaker for the infants. Most of the so called ‘child care centers’ only take children below eighteen months. Even if few do, their credibility and quality is doubtable. Many new mothers I know hire a live in household worker, which has its own challenges and complications. Many of us truly take advantage of our mothers and mothers in law’s ‘housewife status’ which brings range of different conflicting demands and situations. One of my friend use to commute every day to and fro Kirtipur to Baneshwor to leave her infant daughter to her mother and then commute back to her office in New road. I have often heard my friends concerns over the differences they have had with their mothers and mothers in law on methods and practices of caring infants. One of my friends always worried about her mother-in-law’s inability to feed her infant daughter properly.

The third challenge for working mother is inhospitable working environment which fails to understand the fact that women, especially new mothers have duty and responsibility beyond office hours. Many of my friends who work in banking sectors face greater challenges to manage their motherhood due to long working hours, often more than 11 hours a day. It is perhaps due to this culture that new mothers feel so guilty every time they pick up a phone to ring for absence due to sudden illness of an infant who needs immediate medical attention. Women often have doubts over their mothering skills when infants fall sick, which may happen often enough. So frequent absences also poses a danger of being tagged as incompetent and unprofessional.

Mothers who are especially working in areas which demand lot of extra office hours constantly battle their feeling of ‘not being good mother’. In our society, the ideology of intensive motherhood is very much strong. Most of us believe that mothers are the best caretaker of her children, which is undoubtedly true in most situations. So, in times of pressing deadlines, mandatory meetings and extra office hours, we tend to feel guilty when we are not there when our children need us most. The feeling hits hard especially when your kids are not feeling well. Sometimes we are not able to attend functions and celebrations at school and among relatives. And when our kids ask ‘why you were not there mama, so and so’s mothers were there’. Then at that time, we just wish that we were not so career oriented.

So, managing motherhood and career is challenging yet very rewarding too. After all, our present determines our children’s future. So, we need to battle off our guilt by understanding that the ‘quality time’ we spend with our children is far more important than the quantity of the time. We need to seek support from our husband, relatives and neighbors. We should always be aware about our limitations so that we do not take career decisions that are impossible for us to manage along with our motherhood.

Most important of all, we need to increase our skill in multitasking. I am writing all this while my little one (11months) is attempting to slam his fist over the laptop and lo! Just now a peculiar yet very familiar smell hit my nostrils. So, I better end this article here. Hope you understand!

Unmasking the sexual offenders hiding behind the cloak of social work

I have been pregnant with ideas, but unable to give birth. It feels so amazing that I haven't been able to write up anything. Thoughts have come and gone. Ideas, brilliant at first, exciting and exhilarating have gone unrecorded. That is why perhaps, I feel my heart so heavy with burden. I have begun to snap and shout with slightest provocation. Now that I realize, what an important therapy writing is for me. Thus, here I go, start again..............just following the strands of my thoughts.

I want to talk about hypocrisy, specially that of sexual offenders wearing a cloak of 'respectability'. I also want to explore reasons why girls/women who experience it feel compelled to be silent. I also want to know about people who are witnesses, who have observed such tendencies but still say nothing.

I want to talk about a certain class of sexual offenders, who are self-proclaimed and publicly recognized social workers, political leaders and other so called 'respectable people' of society. These people take undue advantage of the trust that people put under them. It enrages my heart to see these people being awarded, being applauded, being hailed as a leader while these people are always under the cloak of 'respectability' carrying their sins underneath.

Why can't we speak? Why don't we break silence? It is because most of the time, society blames the victim. People say, ' how can girl be abused without provocation?", ' she must have done something', ' it must have been her fault'.

How can we change this attitude? How can we unmask these hidden crimes? I want to call over all the people who read this blog to share about the incident that they have themselves experienced or have heard someone experiencing. I wish we could start the campaign of unmasking these so called social leader's guilts so that in future, they would be more aware before they think about taking advantage people who trust them.

I applaud specially one blind girl I know who openly spoke about the sexual abuse she faced from the so called renowned social worker. He had established an integrated school in Baglung and was commended for his service. He had been sexaully abusing the blind girl students under his care. Later, with the activism of Women's Committe of Nepal asssociation of the Blind, of which I was a volunteer was able to file a case against him. Neera Adhikari, my dear friend played a great role in motivating me to be involved. Later this involvement led me to write my Master's thesis on Sexual violence against disabled women, which gradually kindled my interest to be actively involved in issues relating to disabled women.

I have seen and heard series of instances of sexual harrassment occuring within the walls of a certain institution that I knew. One of these incidents provoked one youth and he nearly took offender's life. But the offender being self proclaimed social leader and social worker, dubbed himself as 'Mahatma Gandhi' ( remember that Mahatma Gandhi was killed by his own follower). This analogy worked great with him. I do not applaud the youth's action on physically hurting the offender. What we should have done collectively was to seek legal means. But Nepal being Nepal, we all know how justice is in hands of the rich and respected. Soon after that, there was a lot of buzz and rumours about the cause of incident, but nothing happened. The people affected, the peope who witnessed, the people who knew just remained silent. I know this silence may go on forever. It distresses me everytime I have to say 'namaste' to him for the sake of social etiquette. The only thing I have been able to do about this incident is write a poem about it: I present it here, all over again..........

http://poemsofneeti.blogspot.com/2008/03/actor-and-director-no-need-to-put-on.html