on your 8th birthday

Dear Shubham

On your birthday today, you asked me, what I am getting you for a "gift". It could be many things, and things get broken, they get lost. But words, remain always. So, from this year onwards, I hope to write to you few words every year to express how much you mean to me. Now, that you can read it yourself, I hope you understand many of the things I have written about you.

Exactly 8 years ago, on this very same day you came to this world. You were so little, you fit into my arm just right. All through my life, I loved children. I longed to hold them, love them. I got married with your father. And you came into our life bringing us even more closer. But having my own little bundle of joy made me little afraid also. I was afraid for myself and you too. Will I be a good mother? Will I be able to take care of you like the way you deserved? But you taught me along the way. You were so content, so patient with everything that came your way. You were the most understanding child. Even when you were little, you amazed me with your wisdom and strong sense of self. I had to understand quiet early that "you are you", and my role in your life will just be to support you to become yourself, not anybody else.

 

I cherish your first smile, your first walk and your first words. But being a working mother, I was not always around to witness all that. Your grandmother took me on her wing and at times, she felt I was not competent enough to take care of you. Which was probably true to some extent. Because as soon as you came into the world, after a brief period of contentedness came a restlessness in me. I was afraid of being stagnant, I wanted to be someone, I wanted to be myself. Perhaps I was a little bit selfish to think of "me" when you came to my life. I went away leaving you in arms of your father and grandparents in quest of my "dream". Now, at this point of my life, I realize it was the best decision I took in my life. Pursuing my "dream" made me a "better" mother, If I had not done so, I would perhaps have been a "bitter" mother blaming you forever for not being able to be someone.

After nearly 9 months of separation, I met you again in Nepal and together with your father and you we went back to Australia in another journey. I still remember that you never spoke a single word to your teacher in child care center in Australia but still you participated actively in all activities. A part of me blamed myself for this. I thought perhaps it was because I left you so young.  But we had so much fun there, didn't we? Going to Melbourne zoo, Aquarium and Puffing billy train are still one of your fondest memory. 

 

After being back to Nepal, your brother Soham came into the world soon after. You were the happiest big brother in the world. You wanted to be with him all the time, talk to him, sing to him, swing his cradle.  You gradually broke your silence with outer world with his arrival.

Do you remember once when you, bhai, buwa and me had gone to Ashram in Matatirtha? We had to wait for a bus a very long time. Bhai was probably a year old or so. It was getting cold and chilly. We saw a little house in front of the bus stop. There, a woman was sitting in front of burning firewood with little baby in her lap. Suddenly, your father had an idea, perhaps Ama and Bhai should be nearby the fire while Buwa wait for the bus. But we had to ask their permission, what to do? All of a sudden, you said, " I will talk to them". You went there all by yourself and explained the situation and came back to us with a proud smile on your face. It was probably the first time, you had talked with strangers out of your own initiation. I had tears in my eyes. I understood the meaning of your silence and the value of your words. It was one of the happiest days of Buwa and Ama's lives.

There was also a time when you felt perhaps your Buwa and Ama love bhai/brother more than yourself. But I hope by now you understand that we both love you equally, only at times it seems as if bhai is loved more. But of course, you understand that it seems like this just because he is little.

Now, you and bhai are best of the brothers, but of course, sometimes Ama has to act like a refree while you two wrestle with each other.

                                                                    

Happy birthday dear chora, I love you