Valentine day as freedom to love

This article appeared in Kathmandu post on 14th February 2013, and available in this link

http://www.ekantipur.com/the-kathmandu-post/2013/02/13/related_articles/freedom-to-love/245280.html

Past couple of days, I have been wandering around proliferating gift and flower shops in outskirts of Kathmandu. Sometimes, shopkeepers throw a questionable glance towards me. They are perhaps surprised to see me around, a bespectacled woman in her early thirties being interested in valentine gifts. But my interest lied not on the gifts but rather on the people who bought them. Few days back, I asked dai of my regular shopping spot, a simple question. "Who buys these valentine chocolates more, boys or girls"? "Both", he said and I was bit shocked. Other owner of gift shop claimed that more girls are buying his little cute red teddy bears, heart shaped pillows and greeting cards these last couple of days. Does it mean, urban girls of Kathmandu are being more "empowered" through expression of their love?

While exploring these questions, we need to situate valentine day in certain kind of love popularly known as "romantic love". Though the ideological sources of romantic love vary, I am interested on a particular brand of "romantic love" brewed by Bollywood movies that we Nepalese are so fond of. First of all "love" is believed to be something that is beyond our control. As this song sums it perfectly "pyar kiya nahi jata, ho jata hai", meaning "one does not love, but it happens". Second, it is boys/men who express love, and girls/women have power to say either yes or no.

Few days ago, I was talking with a group of college girls. I asked them the same question, "Who buys the gifts?"  They laughed at my obvious foolishness of not being up to date with current trends. "Both", they said. Apparently these days both boys and girls who are already a couple exchange gifts with each other. But when asked, who buys the gift to propose for the first time, they answered differently. "Of course, the boys", they said. "It is Nepali society, it is not considered good for girls to be "forward" in expressing love" was their opinion. The reason behind this hesitance and reluctance of women to express their love to man for the first time may be because their "expression of love" is associated with their character. An image of good girl in love is someone who passively waits while dropping indirect hints to the boy she likes so that he has enough courage to express his feelings for her. Thus, one can question whether valentine day can be easily regarded as a sign of modernization, as it is often claimed. Probing deeper in its intricacies and processes, I argue that valentine day is simply reinforcing preexisting gender inequality but in new ways.

As Kathmandu is getting warmer with fever of valentine day, I remember Shiva Hasmi and Bindu Thakur. Though the reasons of their deaths are disputable, they both are dead because of so called "love". Earlier, it was speculated that Shiva Hasmi was burned to death by her alleged boyfriend when she refused to elope with him. Now, it is proven that her family members are guilty.  Bindu Thakur became victim of similar form of honor killing. She is said to be killed by her father while she was going to get her tuition to help her studies. Her father is said to be against of her alleged love affair with a boy her family did not accept.  The case depicts an irony of Nepali society where parents are increasingly making sure that their daughters are educated and independent in other words, empowered. But when daughters choose their own life partner, it is taken as a question to family's honor. These two incidences question the rhetoric that we have been led to believe in. We unconsciously teach, write and speak saying that increasing education and "awareness" will increase women's empowerment. But till today, many Nepali women do not have power to decide one of the most important aspects of their life: choosing their life partners.

It is impossible to reject valentine day all together in current era of globalization. But the least we can do is to be conscious about the way we adopt it. We should not limit Valentine day simply as a festival of red roses and chocolates. Why don't we redefine it as a celebration of "freedom to love" and "freedom to express love"? Particularly, expression of love has been more or less been seen as a responsibility or an entitlement of men. In many of the real life and reel life love stories that we see, the same steps continue over and over again. Boy meets the girl, girl may also like the boy, girl drops hints here or there through indirect messages and gestures, and then she just waits, until the boy expresses the love. And the girl says either yes or no. Can we change this sequence of love stories of our society?

Though one may argue what difference does it make who proposes? I think it is important. The outcome itself (whether we are accepted or not) is not that significant later on. By "expressing love" we are taking charge of one's life, doing things rather than just waiting for them to happen. In many love stories that I have heard in context of my research, women had misgivings that they did not express what they feel, conforming to the ideal image of women in love. Many women live with phrases constantly humming on their hearts, "what if", "if only". It is perhaps time to change that and rewrite our future love stories differently than it has been written for ages.

Coinciding with Valentine day today, a movement Occupy Baluwatar is commemorating its 50^th day in solidarity with One Billion Rising. On this day, one billion women and men living in different parts of the world are coming together to rise against violence against women. So, all of us believers of love, let's come out and advocate for "freedom to love" and "freedom to express love".