I Can't Cajole My Crying Heart.
Crying has become a routine for me.
I cry all the time.
I cry when somebody cares for me.
I cry when somebody ignores me.
I again cry if something is wrong.
I even cry if something is right.
Tears are just immense:
They live in the pupils of my eyes.
I don't provoke them.
They, just like an uninvited guest,
Demand my attention.
Then, I give in.
I loosen myself up.
It is the only sign to sense that I live.
It is the only relief to know that I exist.
Whenever I cry, I do it alone.
All alone!
I don’t want to hurt anybody.
I have done that many times.
While I cry for you,
The one who doesn`t care.
I hurt others, those who care.
When tears flow unwarranted,
I rush to my room and lock the door.
It's such a great relief to cry alone.
But sometimes, I yearn for you.
I wish you were there for me,
To hold me, to support me.
If only I could cry on your shoulders,
Then, perhaps it would be my last cry.
But this is not in my fate.
Here, I again use this word, "Fate."
"Fate", the word I used to hate,
Before I used to cry.
Fate for me was fraught with futility.
A loser's logo!
Instead,
I used to believe in love,
I used to believe in faith.
But the belief is dead now.
It has died with that little part of me,
Which used to laugh even at sad things.
It was so optimistic.
And used to believe in dreams.
It used to believe in mystery too.
Above all, it used to believe in possibility.
Now, there is no such pillar,
Which I could lean on.
There is no such base,
Where I could stand on.
All is dismounted with its death.
And hope has left me hapless.
Even desire has deserted me.
Now, dreams too are cruel.
I am awfully afraid to sleep.
As I will see you there too.
I just want to forget that,
Anything is between us.
Anything, could be between us.
No more, "if onlys" and "maybes"
I want to forget every word you said.
I wish to overlook the bonds we shared.
I will ignore the feelings we exchanged.
Yes! I will forget everything.
I will start my life afresh.
I will be brave,
I will be hard as you.
Technical! impersonal! Formal!
Then ,someday, we will meet.
Or someday I will give you a call,
To ask, "how are you?" and all.
I will just show you.
Cruelly!
Forgetting you was rather easy.
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Neeti's comment on thi s poem
ReplyDeleteThere comes a point when u r in love, tears become your best friend. You cry at everything, because your heart is so soft that anything can make you cry. Perhaps I was in this stage when I wrote it. When we cry we express our bottled up emotions. In our culture, men are not allowed to cry. Crying is considered to be feminine job, but if we look at the statistics of insane people in the world, we find that men top the list. So, I am happy that I cried, that I cried a lot…………..and later come to conclusion that now, there was no need to cry. This understanding would not have come if I had not cried. So, I request you my friends, cry………….cry whenever you are hurt. Then, you will find that the heart becomes clear…………..but looking at this poem after some years, I am not satisfied with the ending, as I sound skeptic and revengeful………..and bitter towards my so called love at that time………… I no longer feel so.